I was angry with my friend, I told my wrath, my wrath did end
I was angry with foe, I told it not, my wrath did grow....
Or words to that effect. But nothing from Blake about anger with oneself, I realise more and more how much of my anger is with myself - and I am furious because I didn't say what I meant to say, didn't explain myself clearly, didn't hold back the winged word behind the hurdles of my teeth (to use two Homeric epithets which suddenly come to mind). I am angry about a great many stupid things.
I have rather spoiled the last two weeks feeling angsty about the advertising for Thanet Watch - it's just not the sort of thing I really enjoy doing. I spend a lot of time delaying the evil hour - and find that when I have made the calls everyone is out. No one phones back (not that I expect them to, why would they?) and the whole thing is thoroughly dispiriting. I thought I'd probably make £200 - but it looks more like £50 - if that!. But that's not the problem: the problem is that I knew when I agreed to do it that I wouldn't enjoy it - and that it would do this to me, that I would wake at 4.30 am and worry about it. I should have just said No. Unfortunately, I felt I wasn't in a position where I could say no to money. I don't know what the right thing to do is. It seems arrogant to try and say "I'm only going to do this!" i.e. to carry on with my fairly unsuccessful writing, rather than take every opportunity to earn money. There's amour propre to be considered too. People will talk, they will say I'm useless, that I drop out of things. But does this matter? Should I be using this to teach myself a lesson, to be more organised, committed, to procrastinate less? But in fact I am not such a champion procrastinator - I often do things at once, it is only things I don't want to do or don't like doing that make me proscrastinate. I don't really procrastinate about writing. So, what to do?
But to return to anger with oneself - who can one tell it to? How can one heal it? So much anger at one's own stupidity, indolence, lassitude etc is inevitable. The pop-psychs say "be nice to yourself", the Christians say "forgive yourself" - and yes, I should clearly. But there's always that feeling that one's letting oneself off the hook too easily. I wonder why I've spent my whole life feeling I ought to be nicer and better than I am to be acceptable? I know why, technically, but it goes back to the old problem of therapy, just because you know doesn't mean you can change the feeling very easily. So why can't I say "it's OK, you don't have to do it!" - in the end I usually do, I usually give up, but only after I've struggled and made myself miserable for months/years etc. So is that it I have to make myself miserable and hateful before I stop doing the things that make me so? This is a bit like that strategy where a person ends a relationship by making themselves so hateful to the other person that the partner breaks up the relationship. Am I doing that too?
Going around in circles, I just find it really hard to allow myself to spend the time doing the thing I enjoy doing. When I did write a little today I felt perfectly happy and satisfied. I was thinking about it technically as well as emotionally, expanding the character - and it was working. But I did this for about 30 minutes today - a great deal of time was taken up by worrying, email correspondence, Weightwatchers, shopping, unpacking shopping, washing, playing spider solitaire while listening to R4 and worrying about not doing the advertising work, then unsuccessfully doing the advertising work.
What I love is those days when I wake up with no responsibilities. That sounds really self-indulgent, and in fact, I never actually have days with NO responsibilities - there's always light domestic work and social interaction to be done. But I think I love these days because that is when I am able to be myself. Since I was a small child I have had a sense of responsibility as the oldest child - and as the unsatisfactory child who had to prove herself lovable all the time. So if I don't feel responsible for anything it is almost as if I had returned to a pre-conceptual stage - where it's just my spirit/soul - free of any earthly requirements or demands, undamaged by any parental or other expectations, just my essential self. Not real of course, but I am beginning to have a sense of what I could be - this freer person, whose creativity becomes untramelled by expectations. Is it real? Or just a fantasy?. I think it relates to this idea I've had recently about being somehow able to write more radical, free-form ideas, not fantasy exactly, but to write with more freedom! Somehow writing novels based on the adventures of family members feels like another form of "responsibility", to be their story teller. Nobody asked me to do it though.
So - is getting rid of my responsibilities (i.e. voluntary work, advertising sales) the answer? I remember how pleased I was when I settled down to write in 2012 - knowing that I could earn as much through intermittent hospitality as through struggling to get a business going. I need to think about this a little longer and decide what to do. But it is clearly not having a good effect on my temper - unless that's caused by some other factor!
I was angry with foe, I told it not, my wrath did grow....
Or words to that effect. But nothing from Blake about anger with oneself, I realise more and more how much of my anger is with myself - and I am furious because I didn't say what I meant to say, didn't explain myself clearly, didn't hold back the winged word behind the hurdles of my teeth (to use two Homeric epithets which suddenly come to mind). I am angry about a great many stupid things.
I have rather spoiled the last two weeks feeling angsty about the advertising for Thanet Watch - it's just not the sort of thing I really enjoy doing. I spend a lot of time delaying the evil hour - and find that when I have made the calls everyone is out. No one phones back (not that I expect them to, why would they?) and the whole thing is thoroughly dispiriting. I thought I'd probably make £200 - but it looks more like £50 - if that!. But that's not the problem: the problem is that I knew when I agreed to do it that I wouldn't enjoy it - and that it would do this to me, that I would wake at 4.30 am and worry about it. I should have just said No. Unfortunately, I felt I wasn't in a position where I could say no to money. I don't know what the right thing to do is. It seems arrogant to try and say "I'm only going to do this!" i.e. to carry on with my fairly unsuccessful writing, rather than take every opportunity to earn money. There's amour propre to be considered too. People will talk, they will say I'm useless, that I drop out of things. But does this matter? Should I be using this to teach myself a lesson, to be more organised, committed, to procrastinate less? But in fact I am not such a champion procrastinator - I often do things at once, it is only things I don't want to do or don't like doing that make me proscrastinate. I don't really procrastinate about writing. So, what to do?
But to return to anger with oneself - who can one tell it to? How can one heal it? So much anger at one's own stupidity, indolence, lassitude etc is inevitable. The pop-psychs say "be nice to yourself", the Christians say "forgive yourself" - and yes, I should clearly. But there's always that feeling that one's letting oneself off the hook too easily. I wonder why I've spent my whole life feeling I ought to be nicer and better than I am to be acceptable? I know why, technically, but it goes back to the old problem of therapy, just because you know doesn't mean you can change the feeling very easily. So why can't I say "it's OK, you don't have to do it!" - in the end I usually do, I usually give up, but only after I've struggled and made myself miserable for months/years etc. So is that it I have to make myself miserable and hateful before I stop doing the things that make me so? This is a bit like that strategy where a person ends a relationship by making themselves so hateful to the other person that the partner breaks up the relationship. Am I doing that too?
Going around in circles, I just find it really hard to allow myself to spend the time doing the thing I enjoy doing. When I did write a little today I felt perfectly happy and satisfied. I was thinking about it technically as well as emotionally, expanding the character - and it was working. But I did this for about 30 minutes today - a great deal of time was taken up by worrying, email correspondence, Weightwatchers, shopping, unpacking shopping, washing, playing spider solitaire while listening to R4 and worrying about not doing the advertising work, then unsuccessfully doing the advertising work.
What I love is those days when I wake up with no responsibilities. That sounds really self-indulgent, and in fact, I never actually have days with NO responsibilities - there's always light domestic work and social interaction to be done. But I think I love these days because that is when I am able to be myself. Since I was a small child I have had a sense of responsibility as the oldest child - and as the unsatisfactory child who had to prove herself lovable all the time. So if I don't feel responsible for anything it is almost as if I had returned to a pre-conceptual stage - where it's just my spirit/soul - free of any earthly requirements or demands, undamaged by any parental or other expectations, just my essential self. Not real of course, but I am beginning to have a sense of what I could be - this freer person, whose creativity becomes untramelled by expectations. Is it real? Or just a fantasy?. I think it relates to this idea I've had recently about being somehow able to write more radical, free-form ideas, not fantasy exactly, but to write with more freedom! Somehow writing novels based on the adventures of family members feels like another form of "responsibility", to be their story teller. Nobody asked me to do it though.
So - is getting rid of my responsibilities (i.e. voluntary work, advertising sales) the answer? I remember how pleased I was when I settled down to write in 2012 - knowing that I could earn as much through intermittent hospitality as through struggling to get a business going. I need to think about this a little longer and decide what to do. But it is clearly not having a good effect on my temper - unless that's caused by some other factor!
That's me that is! :-)
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