No hiding place

I am writing this before giving the kitchen floor a second wash.  I can sense that this is not a great working day... but must do something useful.

Just had my brief catch-up session with S - a woman whose savvy about digital matters is far greater than mine. I was asking her how people found one's blog - while I did so I idly clicked a couple of times on Google - for some reason it says I have a Twitter account in the name of Schmoozy-schlepp (I don't know when or why I could have set that up - perhaps it was an early phase of marketing the business) from which one can easily reach the blog and everything you could possibly want to know about the inner workings of the not currently v. happy marriage.  So the fond wish that I won't get funny looks at parties is unlikely to come true.

The whole thing appalls me.  It makes me feel very disloyal, but hell, I have steam that needs releasing about the situation...but suppose M decided he'd like to look at the blog out of curiosity....he'd be so hurt and upset. And it wouldn't be fair on him, he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.  He is contrite about things and humble and I want him to be braver, but at the same time, when he does assert himself it is frequently, in my opinion, somewhat inappropriately: weird attacks on some perfectly normal habit of mine. Yesterday he got very grumpy because I suggested we had a student to stay.  We need the effing money - we can't refuse money just now.  We need to pay off debts at a faster rate than we are, this will help.  Some sacrifices have to be made; he's probably cross because I brought the wrong (cheaper) brand of museli too.

It's a web and I'm struggling with its stickiness - I want to say what I want but clearly the blog isn't the place for that.  I can't mention the blog to anyone in case they decide to go and have a look, and if they do.... Once it's up it's there for all eternity - of course, like M's diary it might provide a useful cultural artefact for 22nd C historians.... but so will everyone else's.  Writers are meant to wish for future fame - for their works to be aere perennius, but this is it, this will be (pace the imminentish universal cataclysm).  And so will Ned's and so will some mid-Western teenage ramblings about Britney Spears or the X-Factor or whatever.   It is possible to know too much about the culture.   The only mystery about the 21st C will be what were the lives of the illiterate like.... as for the literate bits of the West it will be OMG! TMI - way TMI.   But of course, by then, when all the work is done by solar-powered robots and we have endless leisure we will all be cultural historians.... is that a Utopia or a distopia?

So I have a strange choice really, do I stop the blog now?  Or continue more discreetly?  Or fill it with soppy thoughts about M in case he reads it?  As so often in life, although I am good at planning things, there are always unconsidered consequences.  Or there are things I know but have temporarily forgotten.  I did consider having a blog many years ago when it first became fashionable, but I dismissed it because of the "no hiding place" element.  Then I started this - because of the fierce marketing demands of the literary world having forgotten....

My trouble is an over-fluidity with words.   If I could confine myself to a few Marquis de Vauvanargues type aphorisms - one every day or so - then it might be all right.   But that's not my style, sometimes I just want to talk and if there's no one around I'll talk to myself.   After all there's nothing so intimate in this blog that I wouldn't say it to one of my close female friends.  But my close female friends are not always there - and some of them are not positioned in a topographically opportune spot!

Am I saying anything?  Does this make sense?    Some sense.  I like writing it, it's the ultimate displacement activity - better than washing the kitchen floor, better than anything except sitting in the garden staring into space, which is the preferred activity at this time of year.  So having added another post to amuse my loyal readers in Belarus... I shall go and sit in the garden for a bit.