Anxiety

Ok - this is serious - objectively my life has got a whole lot better, even the weather has improved and it's beginning to look like spring.  I have had a flu/viral thing for two weeks, but I am nearly better - and what I am wondering is this - why am I so anxious?

There is free-floating anxiety of course, but I seem to be suffering from a leaden, entrenched anxiety.  In the last few days I have been reading novels as a distraction, but I am finding even the plots of the novels are feeding my anxiety.  I can wake up feeling anxious about what I am going to cook for supper for heaven's sake.  Even the most minor things will upset me.   Having to make a decision is incredibly difficult.

I know that some of it is this endless cycle of repressing my feelings - and perhaps a lot of it is the apathy I've felt since I've been ill.  But I HATE the way I feel now, I am taking no pleasure in anything - everything seems dull, even the crocuses in the garden, which are normally a great joy.   I wish I had spoken to my GP about it - but what could he have done.  Is this a case for CBT?

I feel so utterly grey - I feel as though even if an agent took my book on it wouldn't excite me.   However, I am sure a lot of this is post-viral, and that I will come out of it.  I remember feeling a bit like this back in 2009 after about 6 months of viruses.   Suddennly I snapped out of it, spring arrived and I felt happy.  I hope I don't have to have another spate of unrequited love to do it to me this time.  I'm getting too old for this sort of disturbance.

Lacking wholeheartedness!

I wish I felt as delighted as I ought to feel about the changes in direction of our fortunes.  There is always this nasty feeling that things will somehow go wrong - the direction of flow will change... but in fact things have even got better. It turns out my father will put his house on the market in June/July - so we will have the money even sooner.   As a result, I have been emboldened to book a hotel for a few days in Arles, in April.  Ned is advancing us the money - and I have a nice warm feeling about sunny cafes, ancient stones, lizards, warmth, sunshine, spring flowers....ah for a dose of the warm South!

The fact that I have had a most obnoxious virus/flu for 6 days hasn't helped.  Obviously that always makes one feel grim.  Today the sun shone quite unequivocally - it was warm - with a zippy wind of course! - and I saw the first blackthorn flowers.  I was hoping that this was the day when things turned, when I began to feel better.  After a stupendously  milky latte (clue in name I think!) a sandwich and a shared piece of coconut cake I felt completely ill again.   Heigh-ho!   Still, it was a lovely day, things are getting better.  I have done virtually no writing because I am in a headspin about what to do.

Next week I shall concentrate on getting all the financial loose ends sorted out - and then perhaps, a dozen submissions - including US ones - of the Ash Grove - and then, and then....well, it might be March and it might be clearer where things are going.

The Wheel of Fortuna turns?

Well, can it be true?  I am so utterly delighted with life that I can barely believe it.   No, I haven't won the lottery, but two or three problems have been solved in the last fortnight or so.   Firstly I found a small source of occasional income, which should ensure we have enough to cover the mortgage payments each month.  This was a great thing, it's work I enjoy more than I expected, and it's only a couple of days a month.   So, I was beginning to feel a little bit better - when the next tranche of letters and court summonses arrived... and then there was just this feeling that this would NEVER end and we would always be struggling on...and I thought, as I have before, "if only I could put a date to the end of this trouble, at least I'd be able to plan, even borrow a bit from Ned if I new when I'd be able to pay him back.

Suddenly that wish has been answered.   Yesterday I called my father, and he has decided to put his house on the market and divide the proceeds between us.   This should happen within the next year - so perhaps only another 12 months of unbearable misery to go.  Wow!  And much better than having to wait for people to die... which was always the horrible side about one's "expectations".

I realise now how lucky we are - to have such expectations, I wish all my struggling friends and relations had this to look forward to.   However, I am very aware that the lessons of the last three years must not be forgotten... the ease with which it could be splurged is frightening.  It needs to be invested, since I have no pension.  Anyway, delightful though this is, it does mean we still have no income to speak of.   However, today, finally, Mark was rung for an estimate on a stone job.  It was the first time I'd heard his phone ring for weeks.  So, what with 2 days work to look forward to in February, and perhaps this job too maybe
 things are finally beginning to trickle back....It would be great, because Mark feels really dispirited about work.   So what next?  Interest in the novel?