I blame the parents....

I heard recently about two young persons, both expensively educated at the finest commercial establishments, who had been knocking seven bells out of each other.  They are in their teens yet biting was involved.  I was gobsmacked - as I have probably commented elsewhere, the point of private education - apart from endowing you with useful contacts for top jobs, giving you greater social confidence and readier access to our finest universities, is of course, to ensure that you are bullied by a better class of oaf altogether.

The outcome of the Caucus-race....how different from our system!

I fear this may have happened to these young persons, and that their relatively mild-mannered and almost (but not quite) herbivorous parents, could not have set them such a foul example.   However, it occurs to me that from their earliest youth these children (a girl and a boy) would have been exposed socially to a great many children whose parents were far more carnivorous, go-getting and aspirational than their own parents.  This "Come on Crispin, make sure you get the tambourine" sort of pushiness is observable at any toddler group is the beginning of children seeing that lunging and grabbing for what you want is acceptable, and even encouraged by parents.   Obviously in such a family, the behaviour continues, intensifies until the children have started working for a hedge fund and can pass on these valuable life lessons to their own children.

If on the other hand you encourage your children to share and take turns you are clearly setting them on the path of a life of failure... do they not know that sitting back, carefully concealing their light beneath any handy bushel will be a disaster?  Still, if there were not polite, genteel, traditional bourgeois people like me, who were busy disadvantaging their children with modesty and humility, there would be no social mobility at all.  We must sink so that others may rise.

So perhaps I should rejoice that this pair have overcome their relatively polite parents, and absorbed the glorious examples of the children they have grown up amongst - it is a long time since they had pirate parties, now they may be going to develop into pirates - with the necessary ruthlessness they have had to acquire while they mixed with the children of wealthier, less circumspect adults.   "Blessed are the assertive, for they shall acquire the goods of the world!"   I despair that there seems to be an eternal disconnect between the amassing of wealth and good behaviour.  "The wicked man flourishes like a green bay tree"  "The race is to the swift" etc.

Some one said the other day on the radio "Life's all about winning."  Oh, it is not, it is so much more.  Where did she get that idea?  She was a professional athlete - she must have imbibed it with her mother's milk and had it endlessly reinforced by family and trainers.  I don't think I am obsessed with winning because I fear losing - and there is reason for this fear.  If only, as in Alice in Wonderland everyone must win and all shall have prizes.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo_bird_verdict explains how encouraging children to believe they can win helps... but there is a line to be drawn between encouraging and insisting!

Suffering fools gladly!

Many people are proud of the fact that they don't suffer fools gladly. It used to amuse me when I saw it in obituaries - he did not suffer fools gladly.  What a vast expanse of possible unpleasantness that euphemism covered.  Was the deceased a typewriter thrower?  A serial sacker of minions?  A man who made secretaries cry?  An all-out psychopath with the moral sense of a komoro dragon?

Personally, I've probably suffered plenty of fools gladly, because most of us can't help being fools some of the time - and when we are, we need people to cut us a little slack.  So over the years I've cut plenty of slack to dozens of people, and usually had some slack cut for me.  I was rather touched at Strat's funeral, that the reading from the epistle was the piece about being a "fool for Christ" - something which a man of his tremendous intellect must often have felt he was and probably was often criticised by others for his faith, or "credulity". (I can think of at least one person I know who rather dissed him for that).   I always like this verse:  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.1 Corinthians 1:27  

Assorted fools and martyrs!

Suffering people being rude or unkind is another matter.  The complexity of this position is that it could be quite rude or unkind to give up on those being unkind/rude. It's like the old argument -  should one leave the Party because one disagrees with its policies, or stay and fight to change them? Sometimes there comes a time when it's clear with people that change isn't going to be an option.  Just recently there have been a couple of instances of people I care about having decided to throw their lot in with the unkind party.

The LO's behaviour last week shows that his wife's missionary work on behalf of unkindness & rudeness has borne tremendous fruit.  At first, I thought his behaviour was cowardice on his part - not impressive, but understandable, not wishing to upset an insecure and slightly unstable wife who is presumably his major emotional support in a difficult time when he has lost 2 close friends and a brother. However,. choosing the path of least resistance, has resulted in unkindness and hurtful behaviour.  In the past I've ended friendships with people who are actively unkind.to others, so why should I persist with other relationships where someone is only being unkind to me  (because actually I do matter a bit!)?  It's so out of character it's horrifying.  What would his parents have said? Or his brother?  But perhaps I am being unfair - perhaps grief unhinged him, sidetracked him from his normal politesse - or there were just people he wanted to talk to more - or whatever.  I don't really want to speculate or excuse, because whatever his reason for his behaviour, it hurt.

But just as people can change for the worse, they can also change for the better - be better, redeem themselves endlessly through small acts of kindness, a momentary putting aside of the ego, a rest from the endless search for drama and excitement.  However, in the present circumstances, I am reluctantly going to adopt the policy recommended (rather shockingly I used to feel) by Jesus..... and if they will not hear you, shake the dust from your feet.   What they are not hearing, incidentally, is the command to "Love one another".  This process doesn't mean you cease to love them, or adopt an unforgiving attitude towards them, simply that you don't waste your time and energy on them.

One use of prayer

At the moment whenever I go onto FB half my news feed is things about Gaza which people have shared.  Given my complex feelings about the situation, I am beginning to feel things have been over-shared.  As predicted, the anti-Israeli feeling has tipped into anti-semitism - and I have stopped following a couple of people for the duration.

It is horrible and tragic - but there is nothing I can do about it.  Posting on FB does nothing - except show how angry you are - we can sign petitions, sure, and of course I have. But really:  Dear UN, please stop it!  The bien-pensants of the West are seriously upset by this.    There, sorted!

I understand the frustration at the injustice and inhumanity of it, I find it almost impossible to understand why the Israeli military is so fixated on this objective.   And I seriously wonder whether some people are becoming unhinged by this.  It occurs to me that something like the serenity prayer should be posted on a regular basis - with a tag referring to the relevant political issue.   For those of you who do not know, the serenity prayer is  below - it is a little bland - but it is also very helpful.

It occurs to me that prayer itself can provide serenity - when you have really prayed about an issue, thought about it, talked to God about it - and told him you simply cannot do anything about it and could he take over - then you often get closure on a matter.  You stop suffering from outrage and fury and impotence.  Acknowledging one's own impotence (see below) is a very important thing to do.  So it is a shame more people do not or cannot pray.  The "imaginary friend" up there is always there to listen to you - and occasionally in the course of praying, you have an insight (aka the working of the Holy Spirit) which helps you go on with a matter - to take action even, to say the right thing to someone.  Prayer can stop you becoming obsessive about issues.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.