I have to say that I felt much better on Tuesday night after the trip to the specialist, all my nagging fear that it could be something worse had gone. We ate a fairly normal meal by most standards, although for us it was quite abnormal - a "luxury" ready meal combo for Valentines Day, and I had a glass of some decent white wine. The next day things weren't too bad. I taught and went out and about. However, since Thursday I have felt pretty awful and have gone to bed in the afternoon - or slept for hours in the morning. I've also been having lucid dreams and the co-codamol doesn't seem to be working much. Additionally there seem to be increasing pains higher up - under my ribs and in my breasts, and lungs. This is presumably my swollen liver having a grumble.
So, what to do? Yesterday I saw my friend S and she suggested various things. Mainly that I stop trying to DO things, and just take a month off, and try to get myself healthy enough to go on holiday. It is appealing advice, and we talked about the psychosomatic elements in the disease, and the disappointment and rejection I'd been feeling. Curiously, I dreamed about being a priest last night - can't remember the context though. The feelings I have about the lack of interest in TMOF or The Road through the Woods as it's now officially known are similar to the feelings I had about being turned down when I thought I had a vocation, I feel a sense of having been betrayed by my intuition, by God, that my sense I was doing the right thing, trying to exercise my talents to a positive end, had been absolutely futile.
Whether I can get to the bottom of my feelings of rejection and misery is another matter, whether I should even think of carrying on with my efforts is similarly unimaginable. There is clearly a lot of psychological stuff to deal with...
So, what to do? Yesterday I saw my friend S and she suggested various things. Mainly that I stop trying to DO things, and just take a month off, and try to get myself healthy enough to go on holiday. It is appealing advice, and we talked about the psychosomatic elements in the disease, and the disappointment and rejection I'd been feeling. Curiously, I dreamed about being a priest last night - can't remember the context though. The feelings I have about the lack of interest in TMOF or The Road through the Woods as it's now officially known are similar to the feelings I had about being turned down when I thought I had a vocation, I feel a sense of having been betrayed by my intuition, by God, that my sense I was doing the right thing, trying to exercise my talents to a positive end, had been absolutely futile.
Whether I can get to the bottom of my feelings of rejection and misery is another matter, whether I should even think of carrying on with my efforts is similarly unimaginable. There is clearly a lot of psychological stuff to deal with...
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