Despondency

When one is subjected to repeated buffetings by life, one gets used to it - one rides with it most of the time - until the 27th Wave - or whatever the magical wave is - that somehow pulls you under and half drowns you and leaves you attempting rise from beneath it and scramble back up the beach.

So the 27th Wave - or agent's rejection email arrived today.  Clearly I just need to get back on the horse and so on, and not be thrown by it.  At first I just ignored it, but as the evening wore on I thought "when? why?" "how" can/will I be published again?  Is it really so dire? No, I've read much worse books by well liked authors, is it really my lack of contacts?  My failure to have studied a creative writing course?  Or chummed up with the Granta boys?  Why do badly written books by idiots get published?  Because agents and publishers will take a punt on them because they feel safe with them.   And then I go back to the matter of personal taste... assuming they've read the first few pages, these are people who don't like the way I write, and nothing will endear me to them - even if I were writing about rap and crack addicts and the latest technology.  So it isn't my age or anything like that.  I am arguing with myself, because I do not like to cry unecessarily.  I am beginning to feel "it's unfair!".  Other people are getting their place in the sun, their lucky breaks - so how about mine?

Never mind, nice things happen too.  Stops, scratches head and tries to remember: well, today I went to Deal and sat in the sun with Finn and talked about smoking and drugs and other matters of mutual interest.  He has been fairly good about the film course in Deal - it's his "holiday" basically.  I really hope he enjoys it and it leads somewhere.

And this is leading me back to the question - why is my work not leading me anywhere?  Is it the lack of a sub-plot?  Is it the complex language?  Is it some bizarre fault in me that I just can't quite see?   Or is it because I am living in God's time and the kairos is still a bit of a way off.  It is made all the more frustrating by the fact that I have virtually no time to work on the other book at the moment.  At least if I were making progress with that I'd feel things were looking up.  Not sure how to get out of the Slough of Despond and on the road to the Maidenhead of Endeavour...

That was the week that was...

Last week was a bit of rollercoaster really - I decided on Monday to go to the London Book Fair, which I have written about elsewhere http://katehamlyn.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/the-london-book-fair-2013.html ,  That experience was not altogether bad - I managed to talk to a couple of smaller publishers about M's book for example.  And I found some interesting things out - mostly of relevance to self-publishers, which is not a path I intend to take.   I spent Monday learning how to write a synopsis and then having a number of synopses printed, together with pp1-2, and some business cards. On Wednesday I went to the LBF, and left it again, and went to see my sister P.  We had a long chat about love, life and literature and she gave me some very sound opinions on matters close to my heart.  I'm not sure if I've actually changed my mind as a result, but sometimes someone else's opinion can open a window and let in light and fresh air and aid recovery.

Thursday was a down day.  Didn't get much done - apart from a bit of fiddling and tweaking.  While I was writing the synopsis I realised that there were elements of the story which perhaps weren't spelled out enough.  So back to check on those points.

Friday - down the shop - sold virtually nothing - then sold a bracelet... so not a complete waste.  Sociable chats with various people.  Then lunch/drink with Tara, hours of good chat, and lots of interesting publishing stuff - she was very interesting on the subject of her agent and said agent's policy and her somewhat eclectic list of authors.  As well as Tara she has Brian Cox, various novelists of different ages, a "Goddess" promoter,   a business bore, and a woman who has just written a book on losing your virginity... an idea I had when I was about 23 - probably in advance of the market - but then again, not so different from the terrible sexual reportage books so popular in certain circles in the 70s.

After that, came home and discovered the agent of my heart had emailed to say that - having seen the new shit hot synopsis - she would like to see the new shit hot Romantic Feminist.... whereupon I realised it was not quite ready - because Tara had asked me about something which hadn't added up... and I needed to make sure it did.... and anyway, by now it was the end of business hours.  So I made a great deal of foccacia for people and set off for Anna G's where we drank until 2.30am and discussed love, life, publishing, holidays, Spain, her family etc.  I recited the new synopsis and she liked the sound of it so perhaps...

Despite having spread the drinking over 13 hours, I still managed to have a guele du bois when I woke up - nevertheless, I sprang into action and spent about 5 hours labouring mightily to sort out a few points towards the end of the book - then I "pinged" it to the dear, lovely, kind, thoughtful agent... alea iacta est.  She promised to get back to me by 29th April - a few days after the eclipsed Full Moon - and during the exciting phase when Jupiter is sextile my Midheaven - astrologically it looks like an "if not now, when?" scenario - but I seem to remember a disappointing eclipse a while back, and frankly I believe eclipses are over-rated - or possibly this is because the Moon is a bit weak in my chart...  I am trying not to look at the astrological stuff - because I am desperately keen not to get over excited... So I am apotropaically trying to think about other agents.  When I do think about her taking me on instead of getting really excited I just start worrying that everyone who has had fragments of their life "borrowed" for the purposes of fiction will be upset, and making a mental list of the (2) people I have to speak to about it - oh, maybe it's 3.  But who knows?  Maybe I'll get an agent but it won't get published - although I think it will.


I rounded off Saturday with Jane EL's birthday party - which was fun, but too loud and since I do not possess an ear trumpet I was at times reduced to nodding and smiling.  A man I was talking to kept saying "I know what you mean" which I think meant he hadn't heard me either.  As my throat was getting a bit sore, we made our excuses and left, although I was loathe to do so, but I couldn't see what else to do. We enjoyed the ludicrous background of films - there was a vast selection of dance scenes or disco scenes from films of the 50s to 70s... most amusing and astonishingly sexist... I could feel my teenage self cringing!

Today was devoted to house cleaning (new BnB guest today for 5 days, then another on Tuesday for 3 days - so a little bit of money coming in).

So that's a really good quotidian account - by my standards.  For a change my life has been rather eventful...

The Romantic Feminist again

Well - this morning there was a rather odd looking email in my inbox - in the title it said Contains sexual material... but it was from the last agent I sent TRF to.  And, mirabile dictu, she wants to see the rest of it.  I felt absolutely sick - how strange.  I am delighted of course, this is the first who wants to see the whole work and it doesn't mean she's going to take it on.  The reason I am sick is that I am part way through converting it from a partially 1st person narrative, to a completely 3rd person narrative.  And I know agents don't like to feel that they have been misled by authors.  So the plan is to get it sorted out tonight/tomorrow and get it to her tomorrow afternoon - or Friday.  Which is why this is a short entry.

On with the editing!

Version 12

I think this must now be version 12 of the Romantic Feminist I'm working on.  The last agent said too much 1st person not good, too many layers of introspection ditto.  So I am finally killing the last of my darlings - adding a few details and putting it nearly all into 3rd person - reserving 1st person present tense for exceptionally vivid passages... will this do?  I am sending the first 50 pp. off to another agent  (or possibly 3) tomorrow.   This bloody books IS going to get published - whatever M says (supportive husband?  nah - now that he's discovered I'm not dying and supper will be cooked, he's back to normal).