Tedium/Boredom.

Have spent most of the day forcing myself to fill in a charity registration form online.  It was tremendously tedious and I found it mind-numbing, especially when having composed a definition of our activities and their public benefit the website "timed out" and deleted the text, which, foolishly I had not composed in a document and so had no copy of.

I have such mixed feelings about the festival this year.  I have lost my urge to "belong", to be part of something, which was part of my motive in getting involved...now all I want is to be left alone to get on with stuff.   Eagle-eyed readers will have noted that I am not writing my book at present.  This is because it is still the Easter hols and I have to keep the house nice, food on the table etc. etc.  So I can't go into overdrive on TRF at the moment - but next week - once I have sorted out the alarming tax query.... OOOH.

I wanted to join the Ramsgate Arts thing because I thought it would be fun to work with other people doing something for the community - and it is, but as with so many things, I've got a bit bored with it.  This is not RA's problem - the people are still nice, the ideas are still fun, but I do get bored with things.  I guess I feel I've done as much as I can and it has nothing new to offer.   It's probably not true, but what I feel is that what new things it can offer are not terribly exciting.

Boredom is a bit worrying - I've spent years saying "only the boring are bored" - this may be true of children, who have yet to experience much, but the fact is that I have experienced a certain amount, and sometimes repetition does not inspire much.   I don't like to think that I am easily bored - I can watch creatures interacting for hours.  But I worry that my boredom is rather selfish.  Or do I?  Perhaps I secretly exult in my boredom, secretly believing that it exists because I am such a very superior and sensitive creature... Actually, I think it's really a product of frustration - I'm not really bored as such, it's just that so much of my life consists of things I have to do for other people, that the annoyance I feel at not being able to do what I want manifests as boredom with it.

Than again, perhaps boredom is a natural state of mind - or anxiety?  I mean that thinking too much would promote anxiety - so one needs to dope oneself into a state of boredom - therefore sudoku etc. were invented.

Is this coherent?  I wonder.  On writing, the fact is, I need to feel I have a bit period of freedom to write - so I  tend not to write on days when I can only spare an hour or so (unless I have an overwhelming urge to get a scene or an idea down).

Summer blogging...

Well, for a start no one reads blogs in summer.  Not many people read mine under normal circs. and now they've all gone out into the sun and stopped - even the ones in Singapore. 

I would like to wind down my activities, but until the great financial crisis is under control, there is little prospect of that.   Also, my involvement with the Summer Squall (ramsgatearts.org) means that there is no prospect of a really relaxing time until September.

We have won a trip to Belgium, thanks to Mark's photography - this is exciting.  Don't know what to do about it, but we have 9 months to enjoy it - best bet is hoping for a couple of days there in October half term.  It's a 4 hour ferry trip.  The weather is likely to be better now than in October - or is it?  The fact is that we are finally getting back onto our feet again - but a trip to Belgium could easily eat £1,000 if we spend two nights in a hotel.  How?  Well, 2 nights in a hotel and 2 evening meals for 4 people - and then a lunch or two, some entry tickets, some coffees and drinks, and buying a few foodie items to bring home... true no travel costs, and not much petrol (just the drive down to the harbour - and Ghent is apparently about 30 mins from Ostende).  I believe the euro is a bit weaker now, but not back to the happy days of it being about 63p.  What to do?   I suppose it's a relatively pleasant dilemma - the first for a while.

Meanwhile, Simon has decided suddenly to go back to Greece; we were getting to the 8 emails a day stage and his were coming more frequently than mine.  I suggested we meet because emails are just more time-consuming than proper conversations - and they make discussion difficult.  I like him very much, not least because he writes rather similarly to me and is often considering similar issues, but I detect a certain bitterness in him.  Not really surprising perhaps given what he's hinted at about his upbringing, but I imagine that one might get bitten occasionally if one got too close.  What I expected would be our first occasional meeting is now likely to be our only one.  I hope he didn't misconstrue my interest in him, it was purely friendly - I am having a slight feeling of deja vue - I think I dreamed about a meeting with someone on the Sandwich by-pass in full summer and saying something about not meeting again. 

This leads to the ever-interesting topic of male-female friendships.  At present I am not really interested in anything more than that with anyone (and I am sure the feeling is mutual).  Given my past romantic propensities there has been a tendancy to fall in love with anyone who was a remotely kindred spirit.  If I had met Simon 20-30 years ago I certainly would have fallen in love with him, but not now.  Whether it would have been mutual then is another question of such a speculative nature that it need not detain us now.   But I do remember when I was about 30 going out to dinner for the first time with Nick B - and almost as soon as we sat down he rather awkwardly said he wanted to make it clear that he did not regard this as "going out" with me.  I remember being amazed by his presumption, as he was (to me) deeply unfanciable (although attractive to others I should say).   I generally assume that if you don't fancy someone they probably don't fancy you (the reverse is not invariably true) so Nick's helpful start was amusingly offensive - but he was conversationally gawky.  A bit aspergic? I now think.

Some great French writer said that there had to be a degree of physical antipathy between a man and a woman for a friendship to exist between them.  Could it have been dear old Stendahl?  I'm sure that's true.  But it is also true that all the male friends I saw frequently before my marriage had been objects of varying degrees of sexual interest before the relationship had settled down.  And some of them had shown no especial physical antipathy to me...

We were younger then though.  What happens now?  Past life re-emerges occasionally, like the return of Ian into my life around early 2009... he was writing frequently and sending me photos.  Why did he send me photos of himself looking so uninspiring?   I have only about 3 reasonable photos of myself and I wouldn't distribute them to my male friends promiscuously (or indeed at all).  Why do people do this (Ian isn't the only one).  Or rather, why do men do it?   Is it just the Facebook era we live in?  That we must make everyone aware of our every move and expression.   Keeping a blog hardly makes me a woman of mystery (although of course, no one really knows about it) but I feel a bit of privacy cannot go amiss.

Then why do I happily write my innermost thoughts where they can be seen by a casual passer by?   Of course I wouldn't want my nearest and dearest to see these things - well, no, most of it is OK, but there is stuff in here that was described as "near the knuckle".   It's the privacy of the crowd where one is anonymous, but secretly wants to shine.   I sometimes write because I am bored - and if it is true that only the boring are bored, then - well, oh dear!  Boredom is a good spur to creativity, and much as I love living here I am much more bored than I have ever been.  I really miss good conversation, of course, I may no longer be capable of giving it.   I was a junior member of the chattering classes once - I feel as if I failed to renew my membership when I came here, and now find it really impossible to get back into the swing of it.  Of course, I am a bit bored with myself, just as M's observations and so on are predictable, I daresay mine are.

This morning at breakfast he asked me how Britain had benefitted by not being in the Euro.   I was gobsmacked, I used to know what I thought about things like this, but this morning I was unable to think of one benefit, except that we didn't have to contribute quite so much to the Greek bailout (although we gave a lot to Ireland - despite not being in the euro, because of our economic links).  I doubt whether there has been much benefit in not being in the euro, but perhaps there wouldn't have been much advantage in being in either, apart from exchange rate stability for business, which is always longed for by UK managements.

Enough, I am boring myself again.