Hope is a very widespread, commonly available commodity - it's cheap - cheap as words, or any other cheap thing. It's widely considered to be a good - it's a cardinal virtue after all. Christian hope is fine - it's a religious/spiritual thing - the hope of the life to come - and it doesn't damage our everyday lives. If, God forbid, our hope for the life to come is going to be disappointed, well, it will be too late to do anything about it.
However, I am not talking about the religious aspects. Obama called one of his books "The Audacity of Hope" - and that suggests a certain amount of courage is required to hope in the material world. A different type of hope entirely really. When I think of all the things I hoped for as a teenager/young woman - political things, changes in society that have come about - greater gender equality, acceptance of homosexual relationships, greater racial integration, various changes in attitudes - these have all come to pass. There are plenty of other things I hoped for - a greater awareness of and action on the environment, an unbending of the Catholic church (that may be happening now - but...), greater social equality, better education for the less aspirational members of society - these are things that have not come to pass - we continue to argue for them and campaign for them with varying degrees of enthusiasm. The disappointment of those hopes does give some heartache (especially the Church weirdly - because it concerns me more personally I suppose).
I remember coming across the line in the Bible "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick" when I was about 30-31 - I was in the terrible depression that followed my divorce and it struck me as terribly, immediately true. So much hope had had to be deferred - chiefly any hopes of a new relationship. I began to think about it again this year, when the endless disappointments of the novel piled up. I had been justified in hoping, I had had a "good agent" interested in my work - it felt like what I ought to have, it felt "right" - but I was wrong. Was I wrong - or was it the faculty of hope within me that had mislead me. A rational response might have been to find the statistics, work out the likelihood of being taken on, getting publiished etc. - and yet, I couldn't. I also need to point out to myself that within a couple of years of finding that quote from Proverbs, I had a new meaningful relationship, and was on my way to marriage and family life. I can only hope (???) that a similar pattern is involved in the current situation.
At this time of year it's traditional to think about one's hopes for the new year, as if a change in the dates will bring some sort of change in one's existence...But with the prospects not very different is it worth it? I have had plenty of hopes deferred (or for all I know, completely smashed) and my heart is, fundamentally, pretty sick. And that's the thing about these hopes - have they just been deferred - or have they actually been destroyed? Adam Phillips says that sometimes you can want something too long. That has certainly happened with one or two things I have hoped for. But one can't tell, unless one has destroyed one's own hopes, whether one's hopes are now completely futile. Of course, when it comes to a relationship, or a career prospect one can go on hoping and it's not always obvious that one is basically fucked.
My life will probably get better - it's just the cyclical nature of life - the wheel of Fortune... there are certain (financial) expectations that will probably be realised eventually - when my father dies (unless we spend it all on nursing homes!), ditto M's mother. But as for the creative/emotional aspirations - who can say? I think given my slightly wavery mental state, I cannot currently indulge in the luxury of hope since I cannot afford the consequences of disappointment. I am therefore striving towards a steady state policy in the new year: keep on keepin' on - we can grind on with little bits of dosh here and there - the major debts are paid and we can just cope for a while. I will write as hard as I can, and submit as hard as I can - and perhaps the square wheel can finally be pushed over to its next side.
However, I am not talking about the religious aspects. Obama called one of his books "The Audacity of Hope" - and that suggests a certain amount of courage is required to hope in the material world. A different type of hope entirely really. When I think of all the things I hoped for as a teenager/young woman - political things, changes in society that have come about - greater gender equality, acceptance of homosexual relationships, greater racial integration, various changes in attitudes - these have all come to pass. There are plenty of other things I hoped for - a greater awareness of and action on the environment, an unbending of the Catholic church (that may be happening now - but...), greater social equality, better education for the less aspirational members of society - these are things that have not come to pass - we continue to argue for them and campaign for them with varying degrees of enthusiasm. The disappointment of those hopes does give some heartache (especially the Church weirdly - because it concerns me more personally I suppose).
I remember coming across the line in the Bible "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick" when I was about 30-31 - I was in the terrible depression that followed my divorce and it struck me as terribly, immediately true. So much hope had had to be deferred - chiefly any hopes of a new relationship. I began to think about it again this year, when the endless disappointments of the novel piled up. I had been justified in hoping, I had had a "good agent" interested in my work - it felt like what I ought to have, it felt "right" - but I was wrong. Was I wrong - or was it the faculty of hope within me that had mislead me. A rational response might have been to find the statistics, work out the likelihood of being taken on, getting publiished etc. - and yet, I couldn't. I also need to point out to myself that within a couple of years of finding that quote from Proverbs, I had a new meaningful relationship, and was on my way to marriage and family life. I can only hope (???) that a similar pattern is involved in the current situation.
At this time of year it's traditional to think about one's hopes for the new year, as if a change in the dates will bring some sort of change in one's existence...But with the prospects not very different is it worth it? I have had plenty of hopes deferred (or for all I know, completely smashed) and my heart is, fundamentally, pretty sick. And that's the thing about these hopes - have they just been deferred - or have they actually been destroyed? Adam Phillips says that sometimes you can want something too long. That has certainly happened with one or two things I have hoped for. But one can't tell, unless one has destroyed one's own hopes, whether one's hopes are now completely futile. Of course, when it comes to a relationship, or a career prospect one can go on hoping and it's not always obvious that one is basically fucked.
My life will probably get better - it's just the cyclical nature of life - the wheel of Fortune... there are certain (financial) expectations that will probably be realised eventually - when my father dies (unless we spend it all on nursing homes!), ditto M's mother. But as for the creative/emotional aspirations - who can say? I think given my slightly wavery mental state, I cannot currently indulge in the luxury of hope since I cannot afford the consequences of disappointment. I am therefore striving towards a steady state policy in the new year: keep on keepin' on - we can grind on with little bits of dosh here and there - the major debts are paid and we can just cope for a while. I will write as hard as I can, and submit as hard as I can - and perhaps the square wheel can finally be pushed over to its next side.
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