This is a bit misleading, I'm not really including the whole gamut - there has been a birth recently, S & L's grand-daughter, which is lovely. Not many marriages either - middle age precludes that. But deaths, yes, plenty of those. There used to be a column in The Oldie which reviewed memorial services, until Ned Sherrin, the reviewer lui-meme died. I can imagine that a blog of funeral reviews might be a goer! Book offers come tumbling in! Perhaps I should start going to some more, purely in a critical capacity.
On Friday I took my father to my 2nd cousin A's funeral in Nottinghamshire. My father loves seeing his family - but he does have some outdated notions about family: he asked me "So, who is the head of the family now?" I suppose that was the person he felt he ought to address his condolences to. His memory is appalling... I reminded him who A was - that we'd been to her wedding, she'd been to my first wedding etc. etc., daughter of his cousin N etc. I was a bit worried as he didn't seem to be taking it in. However, during the homily in which the vicar discussed A's life and achievements, my pa suddenly realised who she was actually - the person she had been, whom he had known and liked, which was a relief.
I am making him a chart of all the cousins we know on that side of the family, which he can keep by the phone for the next funeral phone call.
This was a lovely funeral, because although A's death was sad, and she hadn't quite made the three score years and ten, she had chosen treatment which would end her suffering rapidly - when it was clear that the cancer treatment hadn't worked. As someone said "Who needs to go to Switzerland really?!" So there was a feeling that it had been her choice - and that was calming and satisfying in its way. But I don't wish to suggest it was as dry-eyed as Edward's funeral. There had been no stupid efforts to diminish the emotional content. A hymn like Abide with me is full of emotion - and there was a reading which the reader had to control themselves to read, a slightly broken tribute from a son-in-law - one-liners from the grandchildren.
The most moving thing was that the coffin was carried by family members, her brother, her son and son-in-law and I think a nephew. It was not a smooth performance but it was terribly touching, the sense of the last kindly act that one can do for someone. It was a very "proper" funeral - allowing one all the catharsis one needed, the sense of the fragility of life, and each generation passing away, and a new generation rising to follow them - to consider how one would be remembered, for what, and for how long. All these are very fundamental human questions - and tend to lead one towards melancholy - if not down right misery!
There was a considerable amount of sobbing from one of A's much younger work colleagues. I was interested, I spoke to her parents later, but didn't get any insight.
After the funeral service the close family (there are a lot of them) went to the crematorium - we went with everyone else to the deli/cafe in a former theatre - we sat and had coffees and teas until we were urged to eat by the staff. It made me smile, this always seems to be a feature of cremations - the family disappear to the crematorium, down winding country lanes, while the friends sit wondering at what point it will be permissible to descend on the ham sandwiches without looking like a complete gannet. The first people to eat were rather apologetic, but we joined the queue and I pointed out that if we all waited until the family came back there would be an unseemly rush to the buffet as low blood-sugared ravenous monsters squabbled over the quiches.
Obviously the social side of the funeral was important, we got to sit with a nice group of people and had some great conversations, and then later I saw various cousins who we haven't seen for ages. I talked to A's sister M for a long time - she's really nice, and I enjoyed hearing about her work - she has done various things, but I was especially interested in the psycho-sexual conselling she'd done... and how satisfying it was to see people change and the energy get unleashed. Oh dear, perhaps I should try and unleash some of my energy... maybe that's the answer. M said she would invite us to the next summer garden party - it's great that she's doing that. We also agreed rather grimly that we would probably be seeing more of each other at funerals in the not too distant future. Oh dear.
On Friday I took my father to my 2nd cousin A's funeral in Nottinghamshire. My father loves seeing his family - but he does have some outdated notions about family: he asked me "So, who is the head of the family now?" I suppose that was the person he felt he ought to address his condolences to. His memory is appalling... I reminded him who A was - that we'd been to her wedding, she'd been to my first wedding etc. etc., daughter of his cousin N etc. I was a bit worried as he didn't seem to be taking it in. However, during the homily in which the vicar discussed A's life and achievements, my pa suddenly realised who she was actually - the person she had been, whom he had known and liked, which was a relief.
I am making him a chart of all the cousins we know on that side of the family, which he can keep by the phone for the next funeral phone call.
This was a lovely funeral, because although A's death was sad, and she hadn't quite made the three score years and ten, she had chosen treatment which would end her suffering rapidly - when it was clear that the cancer treatment hadn't worked. As someone said "Who needs to go to Switzerland really?!" So there was a feeling that it had been her choice - and that was calming and satisfying in its way. But I don't wish to suggest it was as dry-eyed as Edward's funeral. There had been no stupid efforts to diminish the emotional content. A hymn like Abide with me is full of emotion - and there was a reading which the reader had to control themselves to read, a slightly broken tribute from a son-in-law - one-liners from the grandchildren.
The most moving thing was that the coffin was carried by family members, her brother, her son and son-in-law and I think a nephew. It was not a smooth performance but it was terribly touching, the sense of the last kindly act that one can do for someone. It was a very "proper" funeral - allowing one all the catharsis one needed, the sense of the fragility of life, and each generation passing away, and a new generation rising to follow them - to consider how one would be remembered, for what, and for how long. All these are very fundamental human questions - and tend to lead one towards melancholy - if not down right misery!
There was a considerable amount of sobbing from one of A's much younger work colleagues. I was interested, I spoke to her parents later, but didn't get any insight.
After the funeral service the close family (there are a lot of them) went to the crematorium - we went with everyone else to the deli/cafe in a former theatre - we sat and had coffees and teas until we were urged to eat by the staff. It made me smile, this always seems to be a feature of cremations - the family disappear to the crematorium, down winding country lanes, while the friends sit wondering at what point it will be permissible to descend on the ham sandwiches without looking like a complete gannet. The first people to eat were rather apologetic, but we joined the queue and I pointed out that if we all waited until the family came back there would be an unseemly rush to the buffet as low blood-sugared ravenous monsters squabbled over the quiches.
Obviously the social side of the funeral was important, we got to sit with a nice group of people and had some great conversations, and then later I saw various cousins who we haven't seen for ages. I talked to A's sister M for a long time - she's really nice, and I enjoyed hearing about her work - she has done various things, but I was especially interested in the psycho-sexual conselling she'd done... and how satisfying it was to see people change and the energy get unleashed. Oh dear, perhaps I should try and unleash some of my energy... maybe that's the answer. M said she would invite us to the next summer garden party - it's great that she's doing that. We also agreed rather grimly that we would probably be seeing more of each other at funerals in the not too distant future. Oh dear.
No comments:
Post a Comment