First feast, a row, a broken grate, police intervention etc.

The first Christmas feast is over - M's mother, brother Tom, sister in law Anne and niece Alice came to lunch - with Gina there were 9 of us...it was fun, but utterly exhausting.  The children and Mark did the tree and a certain amount of housework - I concentrated on the cooking - the meal was pretty good, but I did something rather extraordinary - I forgot to add the cream to the Gratin Dauphinoise - was I unconsciously trying to make a less fattening version?  Clearly I was not really concentrating enough.

I got very angry at about 12.50 - when Ned broke part of the cast iron grate and started howling - just as M was dressing painfully slowly and about to go and get everyone from the station.  I shouted "I am never going to do this again, this is the last TIME!"
Then I bellowed "For God's sake - it's a disaster Ned, but there's no point shouting about it - get the dining room grate and see if it fits..."   We then resumed normal service - I came down dressed (I had been up since 6.30 cooking in my dressing gown) Ned made a sensible grate substitute and Mark went to get them while I checked out the table settting (Finn and Gina did it)...

It was really nice having Gina here - she was helpful because she could do lots of little sensible things so I didn't have to.

The meal was great - croquettas de jamon were very popular - as was the dreaded garlic foccacia... the ham was OK, veg ok - the Christmas pudding recipe was fabulous - I am going to do it every year, really nice.  I am a bit dubious about the brandy butter ice cream - kids happy with brownies...

Once we had exchanged tokens of whatever it is we feel for each other (I got a carving knife and a nightdress... no doubt there's a message there) they went rapidly.  I then found myself assailed with thoughts of the LO, which was disturbing and annoying.  Perhaps it was just a case that the need to play Fantasy Husbands was particularly strong at Christmas...

I was awakend from my reverie by a call from the police who had come across Finn and his chums huddled in the multi-storey car park smoking (in Finn's case) and drinking (the others).  I find it slightly difficult to approve of the police devoting so much time to harassing teenagers - but perhaps they think they are "nipping  it in the bud" - whatever "it" is.  Anyway Finn and Oscar returned, very chastened in Finn's case - coolly pragmatic in Oscar's.  Finn said he was glad he'd lost his smoking stuff - since he would now give up smoking sooner... so there's the silver lining I suppose.

Very tired, hope to rest before going to Sue & Kit's party tommorrow... have agreed to have Alexander around for drinks on Christmas Eve - which should be pleasant - perhaps I should ask some other people - but then I'd have to cook.  I am really off cooking at the moment - and even drinking.  Wonderful!  But I am not going to even think about tracking my eating habits over the period...

I feel as if I am off duty - but in fact, there is still a hell of a lot to do.  Ice the other cake, make the pudding for Christmas day, get the turkey, ham and tongue sorted, stuffings etc.

Dream - with added "Jungian" interpretation

I dreamed about the LO last night - I haven't dreamed about him for a while.  There were many people at an outside event - we had struggled to get to it.  We were staying near the LO's old home in London - he was living there with his father, but we had been unable to see him.  Eventually we met his father who gave us permission to go to their house but when we (my animus and me?) got into the house and found it empty.   The LO was in a sort of military group - who were guarding the event.   I was having dinner with some older women but feeling restless - I got up in the middle of the meal and went out.  I went and sat on the grass - LO's sister was there - she was lamenting the fact that he had broken up with his wife - I asked her why - it was over his refusal to listen to a new CD she had bought which he hadn't had time to listen to.  His sister was sure they'd get back together.  LO's band of people went to sit on a roof to watch the event, I couldn't see him.  He had made no attempt to see or make contact with me.  His son told me he was very depressed and barely spoke to anyone.  He added a few choice things about the LO's wife - but both he and his aunt thought they would get back together.  

I heard that the military duties would end soon and that he would come and speak to me - so I went back to my old ladies who were just finishing dessert.  I chose a place to sit where I would either be next to him or opposite him, depending on where he chose to sit.

I am taking the view that the LO in the dream isn't him, but an Animus figure - I wanted to see him (get in touch with that side of myself) his father - who is actually dead - is some sort of psychopomp figure... leading me to getting in touch with him.  The house is their house, not my house - and it's empty - it has been modernised since I knew it, but we only really see the kitchen... which is much improved.  The great grassy expanses of back gardens around the nearby houses are odd... not sure what they are.  My animus is in a military group  - under orders, or military discipline - he can't or won't communicate with me.  He is broken hearted and depressed over a matter of taste (the CD) - LO's sister is an enthusiastic nice warm woman - so she would obviously say he and his wife would get back together - his son is more intelligent and critical - so his view point is more nuanced...  I go back to the dinner table (my Christmas duties) and await his appearance, knowing that when he comes he will be near me, although I am still unsure that we will be "fully integrated".

If you analyse it this way it makes a lot of sense,.  I (the Animus - the male side of myself) am under military discipline - getting Christmas ready, so I cannot be in touch with the other side of myself because that would result in a more authentic response to life - i.e. doing what I want, which is to get on with the novels.  The old ladies are like my book group having their Christmas feast... which is where my Christmas labours started - although in the dream it's summertime - suggesting that is the season I want to be in - one of growth, fruition, harvest (the grass needs to be cut for hay), rather than living through the restrictions of winter.

I am rather glad of Jungian analysis here  - if I did not know of it, I would have assumed that it was just an anxiety dream about the LO not being interested in me, even if he'd split with his wife.

As for the general marriage situation, I had a good chat with A about it - her insights are often very useful - and now that her marriage is crumbling, she sees the attractions of one's nice home and family very strongly.  I admit, I do not really wish to go and live in a bed-sit on income support... I shall continue to live in Samuelgard, attending the warriors like a good little Valkyrie, until the warriors depart for adult life and I can re-assess the situation.
, 

Andrew Mitchell again!

Now it's called Plebgate - I liked it better when it was called Gategate...

Nearly Christmas...

Today is Mark's birthday - we have still not been able to shift it to a more relaxing time of year - July maybe, or August.  So we are having the usual celebrations - this year instead of celebrating with his family on the day we are celebrating it twice... first today - then again on Saturday when four of them will be here.  He was in adn exceptionally grumpy mood this morning...this didn't help.

I am doing that "woman at Christmas" thing that they have begun to talk about in the meejah.  In my case this consists of being as patient as I can be - and just getting on with stuff.

Today's achievements:

Took delivery of Christmas tree (Nordmann this year - he offered us one at the same price), cooked scones, birthday cake, soaking a ham, starting to deal with spiced beef, making steak and kidney pudding, went to 2 supermarkets, tidied up the booze cupboard and decided we actually could get by on what we had between now and Boxing Day (when Sainsbury's is open - if there's an emergency).  Tidied up sitting room, dealt with card s, wrapped some more presents - realised we were nearly out of wrapping paper - tried to tidy up kitchen, tried to make more fudge (assembled ingredients, but got no futher).  Organised small but perfectly formed birthday tea for M, N, F and Gina - it is not surprising that the cake went wonky - shoved it in the oven without  due care and attention... Also needed to spend time persuading Mark to cheer up - it isn't the end of the world (that's tomorrow) that he's now as old as me.  He did cheer up and enjoyed opening his vast selection of pressies - and eating the coconut cake (only I seemed to notice it wasn't as good as usual - don't think the organic coconut I bought in error tastes as good as the usual own brand stuff!).

We have a hell of a lot to do tomorrow - and I have to go and mind Suzy's shop - which is fine, it will give me a chance to sit quietly and read, or perhaps it will be busy?  She is having late opening - followed by a party at hers... but we also have to:

get everything out of the dining room and clean it,
clean and tidy sitting room, rearrange furniture to accommodate tree
Clean the hall, stairs, etc.
Stuff ivy in all unattractive bits of the house
Erect and decorate the Christmas tree
Get boys to make biscuits and more fudge for presents.
Wrap more presents,
Cook brownies, red cabbage and prepare croquetas...
Ice two Christmas cakes (have to do that tommorrow because one is for Tom & Anne)

Everything seems to take so long.  Clare noticed how much walking I had to do in the kitchen - I suppose dashing the 22 ft between the washing machine and the drying rack and the sink and the recyling bins is keeping me from utter slothfulness.   This is the first time I've relaxed for a while - and I go back to my laptop and discover another agent has rejected my novel - it only took her 3 days.  Good, she urged me to continue looking for an agent.  I don't really think I'll have much time until January. Tomorrow Mark is going to Canterbury to get some stones - he has another job, which is great, and he can do it at once - so we'll only have to make the next payment stretch until mid-Feb, and I can explain this to the Nationwide.  Arrrrggggh.

Nostalgia - 21st December?

I feel nostalgic - don't know why - but the last few days I have felt endless mild yearnings - I want the Moon! What is the nature of these things?  Nothing has changed objectively - I still want to change my life - I feel it is slowly changing, creaking open... but maybe that's an illusion.  I thought everything changed at the beginning of this year, but now it seems to have gone retrograde - perhaps that's why I'm aching for the dear dead days beyond recall - or maybe it's my sedately raging hormones... Or maybe it's because the world is going to end on Friday.  

Just heard a programme about the Mayan prophecy - I know rationally it's a pile of pooh - but there was one person who was speaking so earnestly and apparently sincerely about it, that I almost began to believe in it.  I suppose I am guilty of over-empathising sometimes.  I think that's why I often close myself off from things, seal myself away from the seething emotional lives around me.  I was struck by the astronomer who pointed out that there were no significant planetary conjunctions... I had also been wondering what the doomsters had meant by that - there's a difficult Pluto-Uranus angle - but that's been going on for months - no doubt blighting my 5th house (true love and creativity!) and quite a few others beside no doubt.  Actually, there's nothing blighted about my creativity.  I'm exploding with ideas at the moment, for new stuff, and for improvements to old stuff - which is great, what I need is someone to pay me for it.  True love?  Nah, not allowed to have that when you're married - oh, hang on, I thought that was the point of getting married.  I suppose one can't get everything right in one's life, but right now it seems I have got quite a few things wrong - this is something which has only just occurred to me.  Seen objectively my life could appear fairly disastrous - but I don't feel it is for some reason.  Probably because I don't judge myself by material standards.  I'm happyish I suppose because of the levels of creativity - because I have very nice friends, a husband who means well, decent kids (on the whole!) and we can still just about afford central heating.  Yet it seems that beneath the surface complacency there is still this emotional itch...sometimes I think "perhaps, when we're 64" but really I feel it is safest to expect nothing, and then one can't possibly be disappointed.

He who wishes to save his life, will lose it...

I've always found this Biblical verse, Luke 9.24, puzzling, or rather, a slightly extreme one.  I understood it to mean that only by giving up things for God would you get a really good life - but it always sounded as if it was at the heroic end of the Christian spectrum.   However, over the years I've realised that like a great deal in Christianity it's close to other teachings such as Buddhism - about abnegation or self-denial or something like that.  It isn't necessarily heroic, there have been times when I abandoned certain hopes or objectives to concentrate on something else and have been given the things I gave up.  In particular there have been 2 occasions when I've felt able to give up things - once when Ned got a head injury and was bleeding from his ears, which I took to be a sign that he was close to death - he was very cold and pale, seemed to be losing consciousness and I really thought he was dying, and I was able to thank God for the 8 years of his life and say what a blessing they had been and to give him up if that was God's will.. Ned always knew as a child something was seriously wrong with him then - he said later he could see I was frightened and it was the only time he'd seen me frightened.

The other time I gave up something was when I thought I was dying - I was drifting into unconsciousness through blood loss and I accepted the possibility of death, but while praying I said "I don't mind dying for myself, but I don't think it's very fair on Mark and the boys."

As you can see, neither Ned nor I is dead, but both these rather extreme occasions reaffirmed my belief that it is only when you abandon a cause, or a hope, that it has any chance of being fulfilled.  Not abandon it exactly, but cease to believe its fulfilment is the only really important thing. I wish I could abandon my anxiety that money was a really important thing - perhaps it would then flow freely into my life - but I feel that adopting this do ut des policy may be a bit cynical, and would not be honoured if done for the wrong reasons.  It is of course, at the basis of the idea of sacrifice - "I give you this lamb and you give me innumerable benefits" - but the Luke verse is more subtle because Jesus is not saying "give up stuff so you'll get back" he's saying if you focus on yourself, you will get lost in yourself - if you are willing to lose your life for others you will save yourself.  Losing your life for others sounds a bit drastic - but that probably isn't quite what is meant - just that one has to be able to accept the vicissitudes of life without getting hung up on "what will this do to ME?"

And the next verse, Luke 9.25 is the famous one "What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his soul?" - which suggests not that you would lose your actual soul - but the spiritual part of yourself that connects you to God would be blighted, hidden, no longer useful to you - you would lose your connection with God - and this is the outcome of an obsession with anything really - one's health, one's children, one's life, money, one's worldly success... But it doesn't say that inevitably if you gain the whole world you will lose your soul - it is possible to have a great deal and still be part of the Kingdom of God.   This no doubt connects with the idea of "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and the rest will be added unto you..." although this seems to refer to basics such as food and drink and clothes - rather than luxuries.

My problem at present is how to lose my obsession with getting my first novel published, and my anxiety about money - I feel they are getting in the way of other things.  I feel sure my life would be better in every way if those two issues could be resolved.  But perhaps it wouldn't.  Perhaps I need to lose these things somehow first.   

Still Standing...

Just about, I haven't written for a week or so, because I've had set-backs and busy-ness and now I'm feeling rather low.    There could be an objective reason - but I suspect it's because I've just done another re-write of TRF and after the engagement with the story and the characters, I feel a bit flat.  Also,. the cat's disappeared, we haven't seen him for 3 days and I'm feeling rather sad about that.   This is not up there in the ranks of blogs about famous people, and strident opinions on political matters, but it's where I am now.  I feel like crying, but - apart from the loss of the cat, and nostalgia, can't really see any good reason for it.