I feel nostalgic - don't know why - but the last few days I have felt endless mild yearnings - I want the Moon! What is the nature of these things? Nothing has changed objectively - I still want to change my life - I feel it is slowly changing, creaking open... but maybe that's an illusion. I thought everything changed at the beginning of this year, but now it seems to have gone retrograde - perhaps that's why I'm aching for the dear dead days beyond recall - or maybe it's my sedately raging hormones... Or maybe it's because the world is going to end on Friday.
Just heard a programme about the Mayan prophecy - I know rationally it's a pile of pooh - but there was one person who was speaking so earnestly and apparently sincerely about it, that I almost began to believe in it. I suppose I am guilty of over-empathising sometimes. I think that's why I often close myself off from things, seal myself away from the seething emotional lives around me. I was struck by the astronomer who pointed out that there were no significant planetary conjunctions... I had also been wondering what the doomsters had meant by that - there's a difficult Pluto-Uranus angle - but that's been going on for months - no doubt blighting my 5th house (true love and creativity!) and quite a few others beside no doubt. Actually, there's nothing blighted about my creativity. I'm exploding with ideas at the moment, for new stuff, and for improvements to old stuff - which is great, what I need is someone to pay me for it. True love? Nah, not allowed to have that when you're married - oh, hang on, I thought that was the point of getting married. I suppose one can't get everything right in one's life, but right now it seems I have got quite a few things wrong - this is something which has only just occurred to me. Seen objectively my life could appear fairly disastrous - but I don't feel it is for some reason. Probably because I don't judge myself by material standards. I'm happyish I suppose because of the levels of creativity - because I have very nice friends, a husband who means well, decent kids (on the whole!) and we can still just about afford central heating. Yet it seems that beneath the surface complacency there is still this emotional itch...sometimes I think "perhaps, when we're 64" but really I feel it is safest to expect nothing, and then one can't possibly be disappointed.
Just heard a programme about the Mayan prophecy - I know rationally it's a pile of pooh - but there was one person who was speaking so earnestly and apparently sincerely about it, that I almost began to believe in it. I suppose I am guilty of over-empathising sometimes. I think that's why I often close myself off from things, seal myself away from the seething emotional lives around me. I was struck by the astronomer who pointed out that there were no significant planetary conjunctions... I had also been wondering what the doomsters had meant by that - there's a difficult Pluto-Uranus angle - but that's been going on for months - no doubt blighting my 5th house (true love and creativity!) and quite a few others beside no doubt. Actually, there's nothing blighted about my creativity. I'm exploding with ideas at the moment, for new stuff, and for improvements to old stuff - which is great, what I need is someone to pay me for it. True love? Nah, not allowed to have that when you're married - oh, hang on, I thought that was the point of getting married. I suppose one can't get everything right in one's life, but right now it seems I have got quite a few things wrong - this is something which has only just occurred to me. Seen objectively my life could appear fairly disastrous - but I don't feel it is for some reason. Probably because I don't judge myself by material standards. I'm happyish I suppose because of the levels of creativity - because I have very nice friends, a husband who means well, decent kids (on the whole!) and we can still just about afford central heating. Yet it seems that beneath the surface complacency there is still this emotional itch...sometimes I think "perhaps, when we're 64" but really I feel it is safest to expect nothing, and then one can't possibly be disappointed.
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