Finn asked me - "What's that thing about glasses half full and half empty?" I explained and said "Which one do you think you are?"
"A glass half empty."
"Do you think so?"
"Oh maybe half full."
Mark said "I'm glass half empty - whose round is it?"
Ned said "I'm glass half spilt."
Oh dear, I'm the only unequivocal glass half full - but it was oddly revealing - Ned's glass is spilt - by himself? or someone else? Mark's is half empty and who is going to fix that for him? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad, how similar Ned and Mark are.
We had quite a nice day - we meant to go for a walk at Perry Wood near Faversham - we went to the pub, the Rose & Crown first, and had a nice lunch in their really pretty garden (they have a marquee - which was just as well, because after the sun, there was tremendous persistent rain. We had a good conversation generally, and Finn wanted to know more about logic games, so I told him the one about Anthony & Cleopatra - and he laughed when they finally worked it out. Around about this time, Ned began to sour.
It was raining too hard for the walk - so we suggested going to Belmont House to look at it, and the clock collection, and Ned seemed quite keen, but by the time we arrived there he had become grumpy. When we had the guided tour of the house (it was just the four of us) he grumbled and complained and said "I want to go" and was generally not the mature 17 year old of one's aspirations. When we finally emerged, to have tea he got cross and said how he had been suffering etc. He really made the afternoon unpleasant, and I wish we had left him behind. It was meant to be a treat day - since we had the money from our B&B guest (nearly £160 - and we spent about £90) and an opportunity to do something nice as a family. It started badly with Finn holding us up for about 20 minutes so there was a terrific in-car quarrel, but everyone cheered up at the pub and it was all sweetness and light.
After tea we let the boys go back to the car, and since it had stopped raining went into the garden. It was a lovely garden, lots of nice things, and a gorgeous kitchen garden full of fruit trees and so on. We sat on a bench looking under a great arch of pears and felt happy and relaxed - nothing to do but stare. But we talked about Ned - we were both very upset by him. We couldn't decide what to do about him. Mark said "he's so sour" and I think that is the perfect word for him, he seems ridiculously embittered for one so young. When he is in this mood nothing is right, any kind, sympathetic comment is thrown back or derided. It is very hurtful. I don't want to feel that he's eternally grateful to me, but he has occasioned me so much anxiety about his education in the last 6 years (well, until he started at Chatham) and been so grumpy about everything. We can't mention the Marlowe without him sneering about Ian Johnson etc. I just find it desperately upsetting. I find it so hard to cope with this behaviour. I fear it is a bit like Zak. Ned is perfectly capable of empathy - he just doesn't seem to bother. I don't know what to do about him, and I'm not even sure if there is anything to be done.
What I am really saying is that aspects of his personality (and there are plenty of good ones as well) are very unlikeable/unacceptable. It is difficult to deal with this: these are not new characteristics - they have been there in some form since he was quite young. A great deal of the time he is helpful, practical and cheerful; he jokes, he applies himself to what he is interested in. On the other hand, he is shockingly incurious about anythging that he isn't interested in... in fact, rather like Ahmed, our Arab student. The only time he is ever actually nice to me is when he praises something I've cooked. He is not really interested in anything I can share with him - although he did like doing Latin with me when he was younger, he used to lean against me affectionately, but no more.
It is not for me to say that someone's personality is unacceptable, but it is hard to accept that my own child isw very unlikeable sometimes. The sad thing is, that the unlikeable bits of his personality are similar to the unlikeable bits of M's personality. M is much sweeter natured, and perhaps N will become sweeter natured once he's left home and doesn't need to treat me like "the enemy" any more. I live in hope! Meanwhile I just feel sad, and think the Citalopram is definitely wearing off. I took refuge in thoughts of a.n.other (promoted by interesting dream last night) as we drove home.
"A glass half empty."
"Do you think so?"
"Oh maybe half full."
Mark said "I'm glass half empty - whose round is it?"
Ned said "I'm glass half spilt."
Oh dear, I'm the only unequivocal glass half full - but it was oddly revealing - Ned's glass is spilt - by himself? or someone else? Mark's is half empty and who is going to fix that for him? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad, how similar Ned and Mark are.
We had quite a nice day - we meant to go for a walk at Perry Wood near Faversham - we went to the pub, the Rose & Crown first, and had a nice lunch in their really pretty garden (they have a marquee - which was just as well, because after the sun, there was tremendous persistent rain. We had a good conversation generally, and Finn wanted to know more about logic games, so I told him the one about Anthony & Cleopatra - and he laughed when they finally worked it out. Around about this time, Ned began to sour.
It was raining too hard for the walk - so we suggested going to Belmont House to look at it, and the clock collection, and Ned seemed quite keen, but by the time we arrived there he had become grumpy. When we had the guided tour of the house (it was just the four of us) he grumbled and complained and said "I want to go" and was generally not the mature 17 year old of one's aspirations. When we finally emerged, to have tea he got cross and said how he had been suffering etc. He really made the afternoon unpleasant, and I wish we had left him behind. It was meant to be a treat day - since we had the money from our B&B guest (nearly £160 - and we spent about £90) and an opportunity to do something nice as a family. It started badly with Finn holding us up for about 20 minutes so there was a terrific in-car quarrel, but everyone cheered up at the pub and it was all sweetness and light.
After tea we let the boys go back to the car, and since it had stopped raining went into the garden. It was a lovely garden, lots of nice things, and a gorgeous kitchen garden full of fruit trees and so on. We sat on a bench looking under a great arch of pears and felt happy and relaxed - nothing to do but stare. But we talked about Ned - we were both very upset by him. We couldn't decide what to do about him. Mark said "he's so sour" and I think that is the perfect word for him, he seems ridiculously embittered for one so young. When he is in this mood nothing is right, any kind, sympathetic comment is thrown back or derided. It is very hurtful. I don't want to feel that he's eternally grateful to me, but he has occasioned me so much anxiety about his education in the last 6 years (well, until he started at Chatham) and been so grumpy about everything. We can't mention the Marlowe without him sneering about Ian Johnson etc. I just find it desperately upsetting. I find it so hard to cope with this behaviour. I fear it is a bit like Zak. Ned is perfectly capable of empathy - he just doesn't seem to bother. I don't know what to do about him, and I'm not even sure if there is anything to be done.
What I am really saying is that aspects of his personality (and there are plenty of good ones as well) are very unlikeable/unacceptable. It is difficult to deal with this: these are not new characteristics - they have been there in some form since he was quite young. A great deal of the time he is helpful, practical and cheerful; he jokes, he applies himself to what he is interested in. On the other hand, he is shockingly incurious about anythging that he isn't interested in... in fact, rather like Ahmed, our Arab student. The only time he is ever actually nice to me is when he praises something I've cooked. He is not really interested in anything I can share with him - although he did like doing Latin with me when he was younger, he used to lean against me affectionately, but no more.
It is not for me to say that someone's personality is unacceptable, but it is hard to accept that my own child isw very unlikeable sometimes. The sad thing is, that the unlikeable bits of his personality are similar to the unlikeable bits of M's personality. M is much sweeter natured, and perhaps N will become sweeter natured once he's left home and doesn't need to treat me like "the enemy" any more. I live in hope! Meanwhile I just feel sad, and think the Citalopram is definitely wearing off. I took refuge in thoughts of a.n.other (promoted by interesting dream last night) as we drove home.
Well, I am happy to report that 3 years later Ned has reverted to sweetness of a sort, talks about books etc. to me and is generally appreciative. Finn - now 17 - is having moments of sourness, complaining, grumpiness and lack of appreciiation - but now I know that this too will pass.
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