So after a week of not worrying about it, the putative agent did not get back to me. I sort of knew that. But I told myself I would call her at 4.00pm this afternoon, and then I just couldn't face it. So now I feel miserable, tearful and generally awful.
God, I haven't felt this miserable for ages... I could have put myself out of the misery by calling her (probably), but it was fear of her not saying anything positive, of saying "no" - of rushing her into a negative response.... so where am I?
I feel desperate - need comfort, M offered to take me out to supper - but we can't afford it as usual...And anyway, all I can think about is how wretched I feel.
And yet, as I often point out to myself, nothing has changed objectively...I have still got two well-written novels, I have not actually been turned down by the agent (yet) and in fact she probably won't - I think if she were going to she could have emailed me this week and said so.
M is being gloomy and has also convinced me that high powered lawyers will be tracking me down to sue me for defamation, since apparently repeating rumours is a form of defamation. Oh God. I have taken down the blogs.
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