The Gaza strip divides a Ramsgate dinner party!

For the second time in two years there's been a flounce-out at a dinner party here.  It is very difficult, as the flouncer was feeling hurt and angry and the person flounced against had done nothing wrong.

To think that such a select affair could be so readily disrupted by one person.

There was a discussion about Gaza - no one was ranting (except the flouncer who has a history of taking up topics with passion and energy for a short period until the next one grabs her interest).   This passion, coupled with a distressing event in her family life 2 days ago, had created great agitation.  I noticed the way she was eating stuff indicated a great deal of anger and I felt she might have had a drink or two before she arrived.  It was lovely to see her though, and I hoped that the presence of a person she hadn't met, and whom she'd wanted to ask a favour of (on behalf of her son) might have calmed her down a little and focussed her mind.

The flouncee is a very well-meaning and lovely, but not very well-informed person.  Politically she's on the left but hasn't read much about politics so she was asking a lot of questions - to better understand the situation.  I understand this, because I learn better from conversation too.  However, the flouncer had no patience with it, or perhaps didn't understand the nuances: no one was supporting Israel - no one was actually, as far as I could tell, arguing about the issues.   If we had been it might have been understandable.

When the flouncer then moaned about this event in a Facebook post later that evening I felt slightly absolved of "blame" - but why should I feel blame?  All I did was spend a considerable amount of money and time to create a nice meal and to promote a nice evening, part of the object of which was to introduce the flouncer and flouncee to each other.  The fact is, there is sweet FA any of us can do about Gaza, about the intransigence of Hamas and the Israelis, and all we were really doing was more hand-wringing.  Since I managed to develop ataraxia by accident (probably as a result of anti-depressants) I no longer feel unduly perturbed by man's inhumanity to man - knowing it to be an inevitable part of the human condition - and that whatever group we belong to, we will always be able to identify The Other - against whom all our self-hatred, anger and misery can be focussed.  All I ask from life is that we do not repeat this behaviour in microcosm in our social interactions.

And yet, despite these pious sentiments I can be a good hater... there are not many people I really despise, unfortunately I will be seeing one on Thursday (probably).  I would prefer to avoid conflict - I don't know if this is cowardice.  A good confrontation can clear the air - but there was no historic air to clear between these two.

As for political conflict - yes of course I have an opinion on the matter.  And, for what it's worth, it's this.  The Israeli government and security forces are wrong, so is Hamas - the superior forces of the Israelis make them behave like bullies.   The Israelis who complain about bombardment are still very priviledged compared with the Gazans; there is unquestioning support for the Palestinians on the left - and this support can sometimes slip into anti-Semitism; some Jews do not talk about this issue because there is shame and embarassment about how the Israelis are behaving, therefore they appear complicit.  It is difficult to know what the "right" answer is, and we will certainly not settle it at a Ramsgate dinner party - where none of us is an expert on the topic.  Big sigh.  I wish I had successfully steered us off the topic before it happened.  I suppose not screaming and shouting and running about over the issue means I appear not to care.

The search for religious truth

Strat has now died, and it is touching to see the tributes people have left on his FB page, links to blogs and online articles etc.  It is gratifying to see how much he was loved and somehow I find it easier to read extracts from his work now.  I have never read any of his books apart from The Power of the Ring which I enjoyed a good deal and found very enlightening.

It is quite interesting to see how a lot of his ideas were similar to mine - but arrived in from very different directions.  I don't think he would have "agreed" with my ideas, because he was truly Catholic in his devotion to the idea of the Real Presence in the communion bread and wine, whereas I take an "empiricist" view that it's not entirely "necessary".  However, his view is that the world is suffused with God - is divine and (I think) that this is the result of the Incarnation so the Real Presence is natural.

As I may have quoted before, the great line of Wittgenstein - If there were a verb meaning "to believe falsely" it would not have any significant first person indicative - comes in useful here.  Of course, we believe what we believe to be true - but while I can believe that Christianity is the "best" of the world religions - despite the errors committed by its adherents and in its name, I could not specify that one sect or another was the ultimate version, whereas Strat was very confident that Roman Catholicism was the nec plus ultra form of Christianity - as do most Catholics inevitably - if it weren't why would they stay?.But why not go back to the origins - to the Orthodox?  I admit I know very little about the thelogical differences between the Orthodox and Catholic churches - I know about the original filioque disagreement which caused the split - but no doubt they have grown even further apart in the last thousand years or so.  I don't fancy their creationist views, and I suspect that they are a lot less theologically sophisticated than the Catholic Church - so perhaps it was a sense that Catholic theology was continuing to search appealled more to Strat.

I continue to believe that we can only understand God in a limited way - and therefore all our forms of worship and religious adherence are pretty inadequate - and dictated by cultural norms.  Maybe the Catholic church was simply where God wanted Strat to be. It is a satisfying berth for a lot of people - if only it wasn't so pleased with itself and so lacking in self-criticism (until recently).

The reason I am writing this blog (apart from insomnia and the joy of listening to Schubert at 3.00am) is that I wanted to say how much one takes one's friends and relations for granted and discovering how much he meant to so many people has been odd.  The whole "legacy" issue here is writ even larger than usual.  I am not surprised his immediate family want to be private and alone.  There will be many people who barely knew him wanting a piece of him (maybe literally!  Relic hunters!).  People want gurus - to follow those who have already found "the Truth" - I do not think we can be satisfied our hearts are restless till we rest in Thee - is true.  We find God - but we quite often lose Him again... we are a mess, and for many people it has just become easier to call off the search and retire into agnosticism or even, resenting the time we've spent searching, develop aggressive atheism.

In the midst of death we are in life?

Well, the anticipated death of S has occurred, this afternoon at about half past two while I was having a tedious phone conversation on the phone with an official about Council Tax.

It was not a surprise, but I just feel quite stunned.  I find it hard to believe it's finally happened and I won't see him again, or email him again.  End of.

Stratford Caldecott 26th November 1953 - 17th July 2014
RIP
(Photoshopped with some atmospheric colouring/halo etc. this would make a good holy picture - he almost looks as if he's wearing a Roman collar!)

It is true that we hadn't emailed each other a great deal recently - but I always felt he was somehow "on my side" after the great debacle in 2010 which need not be discussed here!  Perhaps he made everyone feel like that. He emailed me in May to tell me of his prognosis - and ask for our prayers.  There is a horrible feeling that these prayers were not really answered or rather the answer was "Tough!"  I know that suffering is looked upon with approval in traditional Catholic teaching - but... how much?  Must everyone be crucified?  One does seem to hear a great deal about old reprobates who have totally easy and jolly deaths... and of course "heroic suffering" is one of the factors involved in canonisation.

So I have lost another friend - this is different from Marion, lacking the shock element - but he was one of those people one slightly measured one's behaviour against - ungracious remarks froze in my throat in his presence.

The trouble with someone dying is always those left behind: there is a legacy bandwagon - not financial, but a sort of argument about "ownership".  Mark was astonished at his father's funeral how everyone had their own version of Edward.  Rachel has accidentally fallen foul of this unspoken rule by posting his death on Facebook before the "official" family announcement had been made.  Her other brother has posted about it with a reference to Horus... not quite Catholic theology!  There is a very real danger (not sure if that's the word) that he will be beatified in due course... there were jokes about relic hunting!  We'll see - rather him than Mgr Escriva de Balaguer.  On the whole I think the canonisation process is all a bit unecessary.  I always like the idea that everyone is a saint, but we don't all get canonised is something more to my liking.  On the other hand, Strat is the sort of person you can imagine wanting to intercede for you - if you think it's necessary to have a "friend at court" so to speak.  He is certainly a person I have no criticism of - except for his failure to ever "Like" any of my posts on Facebook!  The modern sin!  Must be worth a few days in Purgatory - before entering eternal bliss!

There are so many things about bereavement - it becomes about "me" the bereaved - and therefore less dignified - we don't do dignified and noble most of the time. This marries the "ownership" issue and can get rather ugly/tedious.


Meanwhile - life goes on, in a rather stunned mullet way. Jupiter has entered Leo - today - and things are meant to be looking up.  These two deaths have - as deaths often do - somehow cleared the boards.  Things feel more settled now that outcomes are known.  I haven't worked much in the last few days because of Marion and Strat - but on the other hand they have both provided me with an awful lot of material to think about for "Last Things" - the book I am going to write next (GATD is only about 20-30,000 words off the end). I hope to be a bit more energised now.

Astrology - I repent

This year, since January, I have been keeping a careful note of my personal chart and all the transits that have occurred.   We are now six months into the experiment - and on the whole I feel as though there has been very little correlation between events and transits.   .

The only things I have noticed are that New and Full Moons do seem to have a certain pattern to them.  However, initiating stuff at the New Moon rather depends one one believing in it and doing it....

Aquarius... but does it mean anything?

 Well - that's the sun sign, and everyone knows this means nothing - so you have to read the forecasts for your rising sign too - but of course if you read that and it says Jupiter is going into your 10th house and everything will be fab you know it won't for a bit - because your 10th house cusp is half way through that sign... so you'll have to wait for all that until the end of September or early October, by which time Mercury will have gone retrograde again - so that will rather diminish the effect.   Oh dear.

I think the reason I have been allowing myself to listen to the siren voice of Susan Miller again is because I do have a number of Jupiter aspects this month that did look rather promising.   A few posts ago I allowed myself a few predictions for this month.  It turns out that the negative predictions were more correct: my mother in law's house sale fell through - so we have not been able to "relax" financially.  We have had a couple of bits of work in the pipeline which is great - so we are not totally down at the bottom again, which is good since Ned doesn't want us to borrow any more money.   However, income prospects are not looking good - but the devastating events of this month are not written in the stars (I don't know which house represents the death of friends - friends are 11 so it would be the 8th house from that, counting inclusively, it will be 6th house - normally work and health - not much happening there at the moment....  but I would expect their deaths to be seen in their own charts not mine - probably a big something or other in the 12th house - as my long dead friend Jane Davies had - which I misread, because I couldn't bear to think of the darker implications of it.

Anyway, I am meant to be in the midst of a period of emotional and financial security - and I feel like a stunned mullet... the last few days I have felt as if my mind has gone awol - some of it is because of the shock of Marion's death, and a low feeling because of Strat's death throes - which is one of those family intuitive things.  The financial security ship hasn't quite made it into the harbour although Mark is finally beginning to get a steady trickle of work - lots of small jobs around £1,000 but enough of those would keep us very happy.  Having 3 or 4 small jobs in the pipeline and a couple of tenders out too is encouraging.  I will still have to go back to teaching at CA in the autumn though - which I am not looking forward to.  I will enjoy it, but it has been wonderful to be able to get up in the morning and write - and I have been making progress.

Anyway - I decided to look at my transits starting in January - and the first one, Uranus passing over the pars fortunae was actually spot on - that was the w/e I got the work from Ruth - and heard about house sales in the offing... so maybe I should give it a bit longer before I give up.  Or just make sure I notice what's going on around the PF - does it work for other aspects - or only conjunctions?   So having started this post thinking I really must give up astrology I end it concluding that in fact there are far more correlations than I realised - it's just that the events aren't usually earth-shattering or life changing.... when Susan Miller says "You are going to be plucked out and given a major career change" that doesn't mean anything more than "you will get some freelance tuition work"  and when she says "I foresee a great deal of travelling for you this month" it means a 19 mile commute to Canterbury every day....and for several months afterwards too.

Semele? asking Jupiter for a favour?  Can't remember - but this could be me, trying to placate the powers above, and asking for a shorter working week, an improvement in my living conditions, and a bit more income.  

In fact, I do not repent of astrology at all, but I have noticed that certain transits are more significant than others.   Firstly Mercury transits seem to have no effect at all.  Venus are mildly pleasant, Mars sometimes brings a burst of energy - depends where it is. The Moon - apart from when Full (and perhaps when new) seems to bring nothing whatsoever.  Jupiter - well, I don't really find it does a lot for me - on the other hand it's been in Cancer for the last year - where I have only the Moon, right at the end, practically in Leo - and it hasn't touched many other planets in the last few months... so I am happy to be astonished.   Saturn I am assured is the thing you have to spend all your life struggling with - and sometimes I feel that's true, but a lot of Saturn transits don't seem very full of impact.  I am looking forward to my 2nd Saturn return next year with some excitement... and Uranus - really, this is the only planet I can say with any confidence has a real impact on me.  Neptune tends to bring fog - which is a pity since I have it on the Ascendant - but of course it also brings creativity and beauty and lurve and spiritual awareness (Om!).  Pluto - well, of course, all the astrologers say this is too slow moving for words - but I think it does have an impact - like tectonic plates slowly grinding away in one's life.  I had it sextile the Ascendant a while back, and in some ways I emerged a different person... perhaps it's like those fish who nibble at the dead skin on your feet...small, slow but effective.

Jupiter in 10th house
Having Jupiter in 10th house sounds marvellous - the last time it happened we moved from London to Ramsgate, on the previous occasion, 1990-1ish it whisked though the house very fast, but in the run up I went freelance, bought a flat and met Mark - so another year connected with moving house (opposite 4th house I suppose).  The previous year was 1979 when I left university, moved in with Ronnie et al, got my horrible job at the Berlitz and began writing a useless attempt at a novel - and then towards the end moved in with James.    None of these are exactly associated with me covering myself with glory in the public sphere - but maybe I wasn't trying then.  So perhaps there is something in this - although all 3 of these years seem to be associated with moving house in a significant way.

In the midst of life....

Wednesday was another lovely day.  I went to see Marion for our hairdressing session and I took her some sunflowers - because they are cheerful.  She looked tanned, and was wearing shorts - although less "kempt" than she usually is.  "You look well!" I said - but then felt it was an odd thing to say - given her liver cancer.   She didn't have the usual "full works" hair do - and she was tired, her eyes kept closing.  I noticed while she was having her hair cut that her body was rather swollen - her legs looked normal but her abdomen looked lumpy - she's quite slender.  She was wearing a couple of baggy tops and no bra - she's usually pretty "well presented" as they say in job adverts..

Almost unrecognisable in glasses - but I['m glad to have found a picture - even if it's not quite how I remember her.

She wouldn't let me talk properly until Tim, the hairdresser went - then she let me choose some lunch and we went into the garden.  It was a lovely hot day and we just sat there and chatted - I offered to go if she needed to rest but she asked me to stay.  Martin came and joined us for a while.  I could see how worried he was.   Marion admitted she'd known about the liver cancer since Easter Sunday - I asked her about her treatment, the proposed trip to Italy, she was a bit evasive about that - said it depended on the chemo which would start next week.  I talked a little about Sue G who died of liver cancer - and trying to have the best time possible in the time available.  And not wanting to spend time with people who came and sapped energy by saying "Oh poor you!" and collapsing in soggy heaps... and while we sat there she ignored the phone - lots of calls from family and friends.

I did a lot of the talking - and occasionally Marion's contribution was a bit garbled, which I attributed to painkillers.  But on the whole, it was a nice conversation and I felt OK about babbling on because she seemed to want the distraction and it is always good to make people laugh when they are sick.  I told her about the NY agent and she tipped her head to one side as if she was listening to her intuiton - "Yeah," she said "I'm going to say she'll take you on."  That felt quite positive at the time.   We didn't discuss religion (Marion was a Catholic who attended the village CofE church) but at one point I was telling her about our Muslim student and how I'd had to explain to him that Christians believe God is Love... "although he has a funny way of showing it sometimes" - but she didn't rise to that.  Eventually Ruth arrived and we chatted a bit - and I said I would go. I gave her a kiss - she was sitting down, so I ended up kissing her forehead - like I used to do with my mother when she was bedridden.  It was nice, it feels curiously intimate kissing the forehead - a sort of benediction.  

On the way out I had a few words with Ruth - who said "I'm just hoping - you know - alternative treatments..."  I said "Look Ruth, I don't want to be harsh, but liver cancer is one of the worst kinds - treatment has improved in the last 20 years since my friend - but it will get her - but there should be some really good periods of remission before that I hope."    Afterwards I felt perhaps I should not have blighted her hopes like that, but I was rather convinced that Marion was seriously ill.

On Friday I had an email from Anna T who had spoken to her - and had been shocked that she couldn't eat and was nauseous.  The district nurse had said she should go into hospital.  Tonight Anna emailed to say that she had been taken into a hospice and died on Saturday.  It is almost impossible to believe that I was with her only 4 days before - and that she was a continuing part of my life - and now that's stopped, she's stopped.  Her poor family - she was so much their focus - even though they are all grown up... what a misery.

It was such a nice day - apart from her illness, I didn't think "I might never see her again" although I wondered when - but at the same time I was aware that she might not have so much time left.  I am so touched that she made the energy to have the hairdo and to have me there.

By coincidence, Strat has also gone into a hospice this weekend.  The funeral clothes are going to get a good outing this month.  What can you do except laugh?  This is the lot man was born for...  I'm not crying, she was a lovely friend, and now that part of my life is over - and her family are terribly bereaved.  We all hope that death is not the end - but if it is, then at least there have been days like this.

Leon Brittan - it's getting closer to home

Woke up this morning to hear that LB had been questioned by the police.  "Yikes!" I thought, "that was quick!"

I instantly assumed that he was being questioned in connection with something to do with the Elm House stuff - and the dossier - and that they'd finally decided to act on the persistent rumours.   However, it is apparently to do with a rape accusation from before he was an MP - rape of a woman incidentally.   This was interesting - since it shows a predilection for an unwilling partner... or the imposition of one's own will or power.

A man of considerable integrity - Geoffrey Dickens - who handed Leon Brittan a dossier!

Perhaps I am especially sensitive to this subject - but it seems to me that the police and questions are slowly getting closer to Leon Brittan.  The fact that he was Home Secretary when the dossier about paedophilia in public life amassed by the late Geoffrey Dickens MP, went missing is not a coincidence.  I am most curious to know whether the dossier included information on LB's own involvement.   Would GD have had the chutzpah to do this?  Would he have included LB's name (if he knew it) to tell him "we're onto you!  Beware: your sins will find you out!"?  I don't know.


Mark my husband thinks I am being a bit triumphalist about this - he say when he met me hearing what I knew about LB and Saville et al. he thought I was a bit of a nutter, a conspiracy theorist.  Now he says "whatever happened to tour comprendre, c'est tout pardonner"

Sir, I refute him thus

Let us suppose LB was the victim of abuse himself, that his mental state was such that he knew no other form of sex other than rape, domination and cruelty?  Yet, he is an intelligent, rational man - a lawyer I think.  He must have noticed that his attitude towards sex, his tastes and preferences were not generally shared.  He must have known that rape was not an agreeable consensual form of sex, that love had no place in it.  So, what does the rational man do when he finds his sexual preferences are loathesome.   Apparently he goes underground and enjoys his habits in the company of like minded companions.   WRONG.  The intelligent, sensitive decent person does not do this - he GETS HELP!

This is his true crime - loathesome though these people are, they all had an alternative, they could have got therapy, help, they could - like some people - attempted to sublimate this taste into good works and heroic actions and avoided all temptation to sin.   I am using religious language here because we have all got very scared of using it - but all the language used about this crime is getting tired.  It is a sin - a failure in ourselves to live the best life we could, to follow the example of Jesus - or whichever spiritual authority we may recognise.

Geoffrey Dickens - the Tory MP who tried to pursue paedophilia - had a troubled and unhappy childhood - if he was absued it isn't reported, but whatever the miseries, he used his position to the full to try and help others - as can be seen in his obituary http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/obituaries--geoffrey-dickens-1619966.html  .  I would probably have violently disagreed with him over many things, but I admire the fact that he pursued these people to the utmost of his abilities.  This is marked contrast to the way Tebbit, Gove et al are closing ranks now.  Yech.

If you watch this video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORU5x-ryedU
you will see a rather horrifying interview about the Elm Guest house - the interviewer Bill Maloney is rather volatile (with reason) which is a bit offputting - the interviewee Chris Fay was involved with the National Association of Young People in Care - who is calm and sensible and very convincing.    A number of Bill Maloney's videos are up on You Tube - I haven't heard of LB taking any legal action against him.

Just a Perfect Day - Almost

I woke up - and stayed in bed for a bit.  I did some editing and wrote 1300 words - I made foccacia and sourdough bread.    I got my stuff together and we went down to the beach.  We ate the foccacia and drank some chilled rose.   Then we had a swim.  Really!   It was lovely - biggish waves made it easy to get in eventually - and although it was cold at first, it soon felt great.  I would have stayed in longer, but I wasn't really swimming much so I got a bit bored.  However I did swim a bit - usually to prevent the current dragging me towards the jetty.

Sunny Ramsgate - just like today - we were at the far end, near the jetty - this pic taken by our domestic blog supremo East Cliff Richard (I can't bear to tell you how long it took me to notice the joke - years rather than days!)

 Then we got out, lay in the sun on our lovely beach mats, read and studied a map of France to decide where we would go exactly - and when.  I was reading Balzac's The Black Sheep and M was reading Prevost's Manon Lescaut - and we were surrounded by French people playing volley ball and a sort of beach paddle ball.   It was a very odd experience, extremely like being on holiday! "Our French-themed beach trip" as M called it. Then we went to Miles's for a cafe creme (no, an Americano actually) and then came home via Waitrose - where we replenished the rose supplies.


We had a delicious supper of lomo iberico which was very delicious with assorted salads and the other half of last night's chocolate cake.  Poor Mohammed suffers from Ramadam.  No sports because they can't drink water during the day!  No dancing in the evenings!   Then Mark said "shall we go and see that film" and for once I couldn't think why not, so we went to see The Jersey Boys which will be discussed in another post, and then we came home.

Blots?  Not enough pay last month (I must have lost count) and Mohammed asking me about getting his clothes ironed.  Pah - "life's too short for ironing!" I said.  I don't suppose he comes across a lot of women who prefer the "life of the mind" when they can get it.  Then the final blow - I heard that Marion has liver cancer.  This will be the second friend I've lost to that particular thing.  Oh dear, I really am sad.  I guess it means about a year to live - maybe more if treatments are improving, but still not enough.  Oh dear.