I wonder what it is that makes the people we are close to behave badly almost instinctively just when we are trying to do our best for them. I am probably guilty of this too - but at the moment I am experiencing a very annoying phenomenon that is repeated every year at Christmas, and indeed at other times of stress and entertaining. This is when the person who is the chief beneficiary of the event, manages to fall ill, decide they can't function, leaving the chief workhorse to get progressively more exhausted. I am currently becoming knackered in the process of preparing the vast Tom Taylor descendants' party on Saturday. This involves considerable cleaning and cooking, but most horrifyingly, the cleaning. And tidying up the garden.
For some reason I was so tired today that I dozed off on a sofa in a school corridor while Finn was having his music lesson. When I got home I continued working for another hour or so, and at 6 o'clock told M that there was a great deal of stuffed pasta and could he prepare it. I did not say "I'm not having supper" - but nevertheless, the 3 of them scoffed it all, even though Finn asked "is Mum not eating?". Mark said I "hadn't said I wanted supper." For the last 20 plus years supper has occurred at regular intervals, 99% of the time cooked by me, the other 1% being takeaways, spag carbonara or the boys cooking, usually when I was ill or knackered. This week, knowing that I have to cook a vast feast on Saturday, I have slowed down the efforts a little. But usually we all eat supper together unless someone specifies otherwise. If is sad that after 20 years I can still be left breathless by his utter thoughtlessness and selfishness. He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't think.
Sometimes in novels or on telly one comes across husbands who say things like "are you tired darling, do you want me to cook supper?" But presumably these are just fictional characters - no wait, I was married to someone once who cooked supper on his own initiative - regularly. Obviously there's more to marriage than - but this isn't about supper, it's about consideration, inclusion even. I don't actually believe M is aspergic, he's too emotionally sensitive in lots of ways. I am not feeling as sensitive and touchy as I was 3 or 4 years ago. Maybe I'm just hungry! but it's upsetting, and once again I feel that all the efforts of the last 20 years are - well not wasted exactly, but I suppose I just can't imagine making supper and eating it with the boys. But perhaps I should do that. I don't know, he's apologetic - but I'm hurt. I shouldn't be hurt, I should rise above it, I should think of all the positives.
Passive agression?
But the fact is, these things ALWAYS happen around about the times when I am making super-human efforts to create something good for the family - in this case the wider family. So they always have a sort of passive-aggressive side to them, as if he is saying "you think you can make me work on this family project, I don't want to - I'm going to be ill, and if I can't get away with that, I shall be unhelpful and obstructive." I have asked him if he knows he does this, but he denies it. But every year, as the Christmas events - his birthday (which I feel like cancelling this year), the DAY and my family's day all evoke these sort of responses from him. Which is why for many years I've fantasised about going abroad - Rome and Egypt always seem appealing - but Provence would do. Which is why...
Resentment
Yes, obviously, I do feel resentful. I am trying hard to write, but am not getting a chance. I am happy to do things for the greater good - it's part of my bleeding raison d'etre - but why can't these feel like a collective effort. I don't want to direct all the activities, I don't want to be the organiser - Oh God, why did I marry someone with the organisational powers and strategic thinking of a - oh, I don't know - supply your own creature - even a duck billed platypus has probably got greater abilities in this area than M. I bloody well hope my reward will be in heaven - but occasionally I can't help wishing for an earthly reward too.
For some reason I was so tired today that I dozed off on a sofa in a school corridor while Finn was having his music lesson. When I got home I continued working for another hour or so, and at 6 o'clock told M that there was a great deal of stuffed pasta and could he prepare it. I did not say "I'm not having supper" - but nevertheless, the 3 of them scoffed it all, even though Finn asked "is Mum not eating?". Mark said I "hadn't said I wanted supper." For the last 20 plus years supper has occurred at regular intervals, 99% of the time cooked by me, the other 1% being takeaways, spag carbonara or the boys cooking, usually when I was ill or knackered. This week, knowing that I have to cook a vast feast on Saturday, I have slowed down the efforts a little. But usually we all eat supper together unless someone specifies otherwise. If is sad that after 20 years I can still be left breathless by his utter thoughtlessness and selfishness. He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't think.
Sometimes in novels or on telly one comes across husbands who say things like "are you tired darling, do you want me to cook supper?" But presumably these are just fictional characters - no wait, I was married to someone once who cooked supper on his own initiative - regularly. Obviously there's more to marriage than - but this isn't about supper, it's about consideration, inclusion even. I don't actually believe M is aspergic, he's too emotionally sensitive in lots of ways. I am not feeling as sensitive and touchy as I was 3 or 4 years ago. Maybe I'm just hungry! but it's upsetting, and once again I feel that all the efforts of the last 20 years are - well not wasted exactly, but I suppose I just can't imagine making supper and eating it with the boys. But perhaps I should do that. I don't know, he's apologetic - but I'm hurt. I shouldn't be hurt, I should rise above it, I should think of all the positives.
Passive agression?
But the fact is, these things ALWAYS happen around about the times when I am making super-human efforts to create something good for the family - in this case the wider family. So they always have a sort of passive-aggressive side to them, as if he is saying "you think you can make me work on this family project, I don't want to - I'm going to be ill, and if I can't get away with that, I shall be unhelpful and obstructive." I have asked him if he knows he does this, but he denies it. But every year, as the Christmas events - his birthday (which I feel like cancelling this year), the DAY and my family's day all evoke these sort of responses from him. Which is why for many years I've fantasised about going abroad - Rome and Egypt always seem appealing - but Provence would do. Which is why...
Resentment
Yes, obviously, I do feel resentful. I am trying hard to write, but am not getting a chance. I am happy to do things for the greater good - it's part of my bleeding raison d'etre - but why can't these feel like a collective effort. I don't want to direct all the activities, I don't want to be the organiser - Oh God, why did I marry someone with the organisational powers and strategic thinking of a - oh, I don't know - supply your own creature - even a duck billed platypus has probably got greater abilities in this area than M. I bloody well hope my reward will be in heaven - but occasionally I can't help wishing for an earthly reward too.
No comments:
Post a Comment