Last night I dreamed I was at a party in Ramsgate, talking to Elvis Presley - I don't think I've ever dreamed about Elvis Presley before. He certainly isn't Fantasy Husband material either - being dead. A certain amount of liveliness is required in FH candidates.
And why are we thinking about FH's again? Because I have had a row with Real Husband again, nothing very significant, it's just that whenever we do have a row I can't bear to think about being with him for a minute longer.
There is a more serious underlying issue here. I realised, having more or less come off the Citalopram, that I am actually depressed and need to speed back onto them. I am not impossibly terribly depressed, but I feel grim when I wake up - I spend a lot of the time feeling as if I am crying internally, I am irritated, any moments of cheerfulness I feel are easily dissipated by a few cross words and I have lost interest in virtually everything. That ticks quite a few of the boxes...
This afternoon we tried to go to the Turner - but it was raiing and it just made me feel miserable - we drove to Joss Bay - sat in the car, talked, stared at the sea and then drove on, intending to go to Turner, but I begged Mark to turn around so we could go home. I thought sitting by the fire, having tea and watching a film would be nice and cosy and we could encourage the boys by buying cakes. We buy cakes, M becomes progressively more grumpy, by the time we get home he is ranting about his blood sugar, how he could go blind etc. I point out that nothing stops him eating sugary foods if he feels like it. Then I got cross, because in my effort to build bridges with the boys, I was being pulled down on the other side of the family. I thought "sod it!" and came upstairs and started writing. I cannot get Mark to take anything like depressions seriously, I am trying really hard to be nice and be good... but it is hard with a bit of depression, and harder still when no one is being very supportive.
Mark is of course very good about lots of things - DIY - despite a marked tendency to start new projects before he has completed old ones. But at the moment I really find myself wanting to be alone - and he spends all his time either wanting to be with me, or picking fights with me (last night it was a critique of Anna G). We've had quite a social time lately - and I really need to work - not be distracted by endless phone calls etc. and chit-chat. I was hoping we'd have a pleasant w/e this weekend, but we haven't. So there it is.
Would I be doing better with an FH? Well - some FH's would find themselves things to do and people to see and leave me alone. The boys are a problem, because they no longer want to go out and do things at the weekend. The FH would have a bit more money of course, so he could offer them outings they'd like - like trips to London or France. I could stay at home and write.
Perhaps it's a Fantasy Self I want: someone who has regained her mojo and is not jaded and miserable. Predictably my diet has broken down again... so even more reason to loathe myself. Argh, self-pity - nothing can make it attractive can it?
And why are we thinking about FH's again? Because I have had a row with Real Husband again, nothing very significant, it's just that whenever we do have a row I can't bear to think about being with him for a minute longer.
There is a more serious underlying issue here. I realised, having more or less come off the Citalopram, that I am actually depressed and need to speed back onto them. I am not impossibly terribly depressed, but I feel grim when I wake up - I spend a lot of the time feeling as if I am crying internally, I am irritated, any moments of cheerfulness I feel are easily dissipated by a few cross words and I have lost interest in virtually everything. That ticks quite a few of the boxes...
This afternoon we tried to go to the Turner - but it was raiing and it just made me feel miserable - we drove to Joss Bay - sat in the car, talked, stared at the sea and then drove on, intending to go to Turner, but I begged Mark to turn around so we could go home. I thought sitting by the fire, having tea and watching a film would be nice and cosy and we could encourage the boys by buying cakes. We buy cakes, M becomes progressively more grumpy, by the time we get home he is ranting about his blood sugar, how he could go blind etc. I point out that nothing stops him eating sugary foods if he feels like it. Then I got cross, because in my effort to build bridges with the boys, I was being pulled down on the other side of the family. I thought "sod it!" and came upstairs and started writing. I cannot get Mark to take anything like depressions seriously, I am trying really hard to be nice and be good... but it is hard with a bit of depression, and harder still when no one is being very supportive.
Mark is of course very good about lots of things - DIY - despite a marked tendency to start new projects before he has completed old ones. But at the moment I really find myself wanting to be alone - and he spends all his time either wanting to be with me, or picking fights with me (last night it was a critique of Anna G). We've had quite a social time lately - and I really need to work - not be distracted by endless phone calls etc. and chit-chat. I was hoping we'd have a pleasant w/e this weekend, but we haven't. So there it is.
Would I be doing better with an FH? Well - some FH's would find themselves things to do and people to see and leave me alone. The boys are a problem, because they no longer want to go out and do things at the weekend. The FH would have a bit more money of course, so he could offer them outings they'd like - like trips to London or France. I could stay at home and write.
Perhaps it's a Fantasy Self I want: someone who has regained her mojo and is not jaded and miserable. Predictably my diet has broken down again... so even more reason to loathe myself. Argh, self-pity - nothing can make it attractive can it?
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