Had a realisation today that much of the irritation etc. I am feeling may be due to an underlying sense of aging... which is getting stronger. I attempted to discuss this with M - as he's the same age, he might be open to such a discussion... I don't often try to discuss things like this with him, I tend to stew over them in the diary or the blogs... but I didn't get any response except "I expect the Festival will cheer you up."
Saints alive, the age old problem of humans coming to terms with ageing and mortality cannot quite be "solved" by being cheered up by a Festival - however enjoyable! I suppose this is the middle-aged equivalent of "don't worry your pretty little head about that!"
I despair - well, I don't actually, I don't despair, hope does spring eternal in the... etc. but I feel it would be less isolating to live with people who actually were able to discuss emotional issues (I include myself - I don't any more with him, because a number of my emotional issues don't really concern him). I wonder how this happens, that one goes from discussing everything to discussing very little indeed? I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought it would be different. But sometimes rather than hear the same thing, I avoid conversation. So, on the rare occasion I want to start a new conversation.... I am boulversée... or something. Perhaps it was just the wrong moment, but I had already rebuffed him when he'd said "perhaps you should give up the Festival". He is rather like the boys, resentful of anything I do that's voluntary, that doesn't bring in money and is for "other people"... but I have to do something else or I would go mad. Yes, the SS is maddening, but it gets me out of the house! I spend time with some pretty nice people, and have fun, on the whole. One learns what people's strengths and weaknesses are...and adjusts one's expectations accordingly.
Actually, in some ways I am being rejuvenated by losing weight... I am much more energetic, and cutting down on booze has made me feel more in control of everything. So perhaps the irritation isn't to do with that.
The chief focus of irritation this evening was A's non-appearance for drinks. I had visualised a jollyish time with Clare, M and him - a couple of drinks, then home. But C was not at her best, and A was a no-show. I texted him - he texted that he was delayed, I texted (without seeing this) that we were going now. Then a text arrived saying he'd ordered a taxi... I just thought, "why does he feel that turning up on time - roughly - is beneath him. Why does he take us for granted?" and we left anyway, because we'd made other plans. I felt sorry, I know he's a person who needs friendship, but when he's offered it, he doesn't turn up. This is the third time this month, it's too much. I'm fed up (St. Laurence, Vale Square, Belgian Bar). I suppose it's very typical, people say they want one thing (in his case, nice middle class friends), but sabotage themselves when the offer is made. Actually it's the fourth time - he's going to London this weekend (for a good reason, if true) and won't be helping at the Squall...
Saints alive, the age old problem of humans coming to terms with ageing and mortality cannot quite be "solved" by being cheered up by a Festival - however enjoyable! I suppose this is the middle-aged equivalent of "don't worry your pretty little head about that!"
I despair - well, I don't actually, I don't despair, hope does spring eternal in the... etc. but I feel it would be less isolating to live with people who actually were able to discuss emotional issues (I include myself - I don't any more with him, because a number of my emotional issues don't really concern him). I wonder how this happens, that one goes from discussing everything to discussing very little indeed? I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought it would be different. But sometimes rather than hear the same thing, I avoid conversation. So, on the rare occasion I want to start a new conversation.... I am boulversée... or something. Perhaps it was just the wrong moment, but I had already rebuffed him when he'd said "perhaps you should give up the Festival". He is rather like the boys, resentful of anything I do that's voluntary, that doesn't bring in money and is for "other people"... but I have to do something else or I would go mad. Yes, the SS is maddening, but it gets me out of the house! I spend time with some pretty nice people, and have fun, on the whole. One learns what people's strengths and weaknesses are...and adjusts one's expectations accordingly.
Actually, in some ways I am being rejuvenated by losing weight... I am much more energetic, and cutting down on booze has made me feel more in control of everything. So perhaps the irritation isn't to do with that.
The chief focus of irritation this evening was A's non-appearance for drinks. I had visualised a jollyish time with Clare, M and him - a couple of drinks, then home. But C was not at her best, and A was a no-show. I texted him - he texted that he was delayed, I texted (without seeing this) that we were going now. Then a text arrived saying he'd ordered a taxi... I just thought, "why does he feel that turning up on time - roughly - is beneath him. Why does he take us for granted?" and we left anyway, because we'd made other plans. I felt sorry, I know he's a person who needs friendship, but when he's offered it, he doesn't turn up. This is the third time this month, it's too much. I'm fed up (St. Laurence, Vale Square, Belgian Bar). I suppose it's very typical, people say they want one thing (in his case, nice middle class friends), but sabotage themselves when the offer is made. Actually it's the fourth time - he's going to London this weekend (for a good reason, if true) and won't be helping at the Squall...
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