Can one feel both at once? I have been feeling terribly cheerful and bonhomous in the last few days - have really enjoyed the parties I've been to - and the beach assembly... lovely party tonight - Angela Flowers was there and we had a very good chat about stuff. Mark has been behaving beautifully - and sociably. And yet... I am feeling decidedly empty - there is anxiety, there is a "oh why bother?" feeling about my writing, about everything. I can't face the thought of spending another year trying to get an agent, trying to struggle through treacle - trying to write the next Conscience book with no very encouraging outcomes. I just wish that I could pick a nice agent who would like to hear from an author with a solid ability to write and a commmitment to doing it, and who can write a decent, readable, interesting book. But how do I find this agent? I thought I had her, then I discovered that her head had been turned by thrillers...
Of course it's too soon to think about giving up - but I have rather lost my bounce - which is a pity because for years I haven't risked having bounce (sure to be disappointed) but since last January I allowed myself to have a dose of it. Now my fears have been vindicated and I am bloody disappointed. I suppose I just have to write twice as hard and fast - maybe Naomi's hint that she would publish should be taken up as the best I can get in the short term. I wish I knew what the best thing to do would be - I know overall the answer is "keep on" but it would be great to have a better direction to go in. But perhaps I still have to be patient - another year? Another two years? Before the kairos arrives. Oh damn, it's crazy. The fact that a serious agent has taken it seriously still means something even if she didn't like the final result. Shall I permit myself another re-write - at the risk of my sanity? - in January? I hate the emotional impact of the re-writes, they make me think unwanted thoughts and make it hard for me to inter them as thoroughly as they ought to be. I am currently in happy/contented mode, I do not wish to make myself miserable again. Perhaps I need to grit my teeth and pretend this is all happening somewhere else - nothing to do with me. It worked as a technique for dealing with root canal treatment - why can't it work for emotional situations?
Of course it's too soon to think about giving up - but I have rather lost my bounce - which is a pity because for years I haven't risked having bounce (sure to be disappointed) but since last January I allowed myself to have a dose of it. Now my fears have been vindicated and I am bloody disappointed. I suppose I just have to write twice as hard and fast - maybe Naomi's hint that she would publish should be taken up as the best I can get in the short term. I wish I knew what the best thing to do would be - I know overall the answer is "keep on" but it would be great to have a better direction to go in. But perhaps I still have to be patient - another year? Another two years? Before the kairos arrives. Oh damn, it's crazy. The fact that a serious agent has taken it seriously still means something even if she didn't like the final result. Shall I permit myself another re-write - at the risk of my sanity? - in January? I hate the emotional impact of the re-writes, they make me think unwanted thoughts and make it hard for me to inter them as thoroughly as they ought to be. I am currently in happy/contented mode, I do not wish to make myself miserable again. Perhaps I need to grit my teeth and pretend this is all happening somewhere else - nothing to do with me. It worked as a technique for dealing with root canal treatment - why can't it work for emotional situations?
No comments:
Post a Comment