Alas, the cold continues, and although I am deeply thankful that we have working electricity unlike the poor people in the Isle of Arran and the Mull of Kintyre, somehow having to supplement the central heating with a fan heater is not much fun.
I woke up despairing this morning. I don't know why. Is it just the weather? Or will it continue when the sun finally shines. Today it's minus 1 first thing - and the dreaded east wind making it feel like minus 5 outside. I have to go to Weight Watchers, I had a bad week last week because of the weekend - so I am tempted not to go. If I have put on more weight I will simply feel like giving up, even though I have told myself I am in it for the long run. I walked there last week, and it was actually nice and sunny. There is no way I will walk there today. But maybe I should get out more.
Anette came yesterday - that was jolly. We mostly talked about our kids - she's another mother of two boys. What a lot of friends I know have 2 boys (Linda, Tara, Anna T, er.... oh, is that all?) and no girls. We need to form a solidarity front - all of us have a lot of toughing up to do for our old ages, when we will not be nurtured much by our sons - or else ensure that the sons find really nice girls who will nudge them into being nice to us.
Ok - that was me trying to be positive - but basically inside I am howling again. Even my treasured fantasy doesn't sustain me. All I can imagine is how many things would be awful if it was ever fulfilled. I'm not depressed in the self-pitying, highly-sensitive, bursting into tears way I was in the summer of the Citalopram events... was that 2010? I think it was. This is something different. Will I feel better if spring comes? I suspect that every winter I go onto "coping mode" but I only set the timer until mid-March - and now "coping mode" switched off, leaving me with my natural, resentful and unhappy feelings. I'm only resentful about the weather - but it's this horrible sense that nothing feels right, that nothing is pleasurable.
It is in this state that I must summon the clan to come and see the Tom Taylor extravaganza! I am doubtful whether the weather will have improved by 4th May!
I woke up despairing this morning. I don't know why. Is it just the weather? Or will it continue when the sun finally shines. Today it's minus 1 first thing - and the dreaded east wind making it feel like minus 5 outside. I have to go to Weight Watchers, I had a bad week last week because of the weekend - so I am tempted not to go. If I have put on more weight I will simply feel like giving up, even though I have told myself I am in it for the long run. I walked there last week, and it was actually nice and sunny. There is no way I will walk there today. But maybe I should get out more.
Anette came yesterday - that was jolly. We mostly talked about our kids - she's another mother of two boys. What a lot of friends I know have 2 boys (Linda, Tara, Anna T, er.... oh, is that all?) and no girls. We need to form a solidarity front - all of us have a lot of toughing up to do for our old ages, when we will not be nurtured much by our sons - or else ensure that the sons find really nice girls who will nudge them into being nice to us.
Ok - that was me trying to be positive - but basically inside I am howling again. Even my treasured fantasy doesn't sustain me. All I can imagine is how many things would be awful if it was ever fulfilled. I'm not depressed in the self-pitying, highly-sensitive, bursting into tears way I was in the summer of the Citalopram events... was that 2010? I think it was. This is something different. Will I feel better if spring comes? I suspect that every winter I go onto "coping mode" but I only set the timer until mid-March - and now "coping mode" switched off, leaving me with my natural, resentful and unhappy feelings. I'm only resentful about the weather - but it's this horrible sense that nothing feels right, that nothing is pleasurable.
It is in this state that I must summon the clan to come and see the Tom Taylor extravaganza! I am doubtful whether the weather will have improved by 4th May!
No comments:
Post a Comment