I felt a great liberation yesterday when I unfriended her, immediately I could go onto FB without fear of being pounced on for "chat" and without having my screen filled with images of her choosing. Lovely!
But at the same time I need to examine my conscience to see if I have been unkind. After all, I will probably bump into her in Waitrose any day now - there is no escape in Ramsgate! I don't think I was unkind, I tried not to say anything too personal to her. Nevertheless, I am wondering why I have a sense of solidarity with a fat stranger who I will never meet, rather than with a woman who I frequently meet for coffee.
The fact is, I know the Ramsgate Coffee woman (RC) quite well, I know that she is not a terribly generous-natured soul. I have seen a great deal of her insecurity and snarky nature and I feel some sympathy for her. I don't think I would ever snub her in public, and I could probably still have a reasoned discussion with her. However, this isn't an issue of taste and art and culture, this is about how you approach and deal with other human beings, and I don't personally feel this is an area where major disagreements can just be passed over with an "agree to differ" comment. "Do as you would be done by" is a really important principle - which RC does not seem to recognise (she is of course an atheist). She feels that her right not to be aesthetically affronted trumps everything else. Even if she were the most beautiful 60 y o woman in the world that would not be true, but she has taken as her model of behaviour those addle-pated self-regarding old trouts - who were once the arbiters of fashion who still feel they have a right to pontificate about others. Even the most beautiful person in the world doesn't have the 'right' to sneer at other people's appearance - when a relatively ill-favoured person does so, it simply draws attention to their own deficiencies.
And then of course there's the fat issue: once they'd got the smokers, and were beginning to make inroads on the drinkers, of course they were going to come for us. I think, just as cheap sexism has reared it's laddish head and begun to dominate the culture again, respect for any one who's appearance is different has also diminished - the fat are fair game. There was an outbreak of this a couple of months ago on FB when someone took pics of some fat people on the beach and suggested they shouldn't be allowed out (commentator was himself fattish, pallid 50 something with thinning hair). Look - we're not stupid, we know it's unhealthy, we know it's not fashionable - but here we are, some of us can do no other - some of us will be thin in 2 years time - but you don't really have the right to judge us. So why are we regarded as fair game? We're back in the playground, finger pointing "you're different!" - when this happens I know whose side I'm on!
So is it true that nothing human is alien to me? Clearly, I have my moments: I am finger pointing RC and saying "you're (ethically) different" and therefore I want nothing to do with her. Am I saying that I only want to live in a world of agreeable people with flowers and kittens? No, but how can you deal with the excluders and finger pointers and sneerers? I used to say "heap coals of fire on their heads" i.e. kill them with kindness, but I am beginning to value my time and energy and resources (of kindness and everything else) and don't think they should be wasted on relationships that are draining rather than uplifting. Friendships need to be fun and supportive - when it's a one-way transaction, one feels easier about renouncing it. I don't like confrontation, so we'll probably be having a coffee again before too long.
The truly annoying thing is that she has absolutely pursued me to be friends (because she's friends with other friends), I almost feel as if I had been targeted as someone suitable and then she kept telling me we "must have coffee". I didn't get a good vibe off her when I first met her - which is why I was keeping her at arm's length - and now, despite my sympathy for her situation, and the fact that she's been depressed, I feel that all my sense of precaution was vindicated.
But at the same time I need to examine my conscience to see if I have been unkind. After all, I will probably bump into her in Waitrose any day now - there is no escape in Ramsgate! I don't think I was unkind, I tried not to say anything too personal to her. Nevertheless, I am wondering why I have a sense of solidarity with a fat stranger who I will never meet, rather than with a woman who I frequently meet for coffee.
The fact is, I know the Ramsgate Coffee woman (RC) quite well, I know that she is not a terribly generous-natured soul. I have seen a great deal of her insecurity and snarky nature and I feel some sympathy for her. I don't think I would ever snub her in public, and I could probably still have a reasoned discussion with her. However, this isn't an issue of taste and art and culture, this is about how you approach and deal with other human beings, and I don't personally feel this is an area where major disagreements can just be passed over with an "agree to differ" comment. "Do as you would be done by" is a really important principle - which RC does not seem to recognise (she is of course an atheist). She feels that her right not to be aesthetically affronted trumps everything else. Even if she were the most beautiful 60 y o woman in the world that would not be true, but she has taken as her model of behaviour those addle-pated self-regarding old trouts - who were once the arbiters of fashion who still feel they have a right to pontificate about others. Even the most beautiful person in the world doesn't have the 'right' to sneer at other people's appearance - when a relatively ill-favoured person does so, it simply draws attention to their own deficiencies.
And then of course there's the fat issue: once they'd got the smokers, and were beginning to make inroads on the drinkers, of course they were going to come for us. I think, just as cheap sexism has reared it's laddish head and begun to dominate the culture again, respect for any one who's appearance is different has also diminished - the fat are fair game. There was an outbreak of this a couple of months ago on FB when someone took pics of some fat people on the beach and suggested they shouldn't be allowed out (commentator was himself fattish, pallid 50 something with thinning hair). Look - we're not stupid, we know it's unhealthy, we know it's not fashionable - but here we are, some of us can do no other - some of us will be thin in 2 years time - but you don't really have the right to judge us. So why are we regarded as fair game? We're back in the playground, finger pointing "you're different!" - when this happens I know whose side I'm on!
So is it true that nothing human is alien to me? Clearly, I have my moments: I am finger pointing RC and saying "you're (ethically) different" and therefore I want nothing to do with her. Am I saying that I only want to live in a world of agreeable people with flowers and kittens? No, but how can you deal with the excluders and finger pointers and sneerers? I used to say "heap coals of fire on their heads" i.e. kill them with kindness, but I am beginning to value my time and energy and resources (of kindness and everything else) and don't think they should be wasted on relationships that are draining rather than uplifting. Friendships need to be fun and supportive - when it's a one-way transaction, one feels easier about renouncing it. I don't like confrontation, so we'll probably be having a coffee again before too long.
The truly annoying thing is that she has absolutely pursued me to be friends (because she's friends with other friends), I almost feel as if I had been targeted as someone suitable and then she kept telling me we "must have coffee". I didn't get a good vibe off her when I first met her - which is why I was keeping her at arm's length - and now, despite my sympathy for her situation, and the fact that she's been depressed, I feel that all my sense of precaution was vindicated.
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