Lacklustre

...would be a good description of today.  I got up and had a bath - my back is better.  I didn't write last night because I was so incredibly busy and very tired by the end of the day.  So tired, and with incredible back pain, that I could not make pancakes.  This caused a massive outbreak of discontent.  M showed a remarkable lack of sympathy - he is on the nth day of a cold and perhaps he feels he should be the one getting sympathy.  The discontent flowed over onto Facebook where N and F posted rude comments about me.  I posted back with unaccustomed vigour.   Order was restored with a takeaway.... there was moderate cheerfulness.

This morning for some reason there was another argument.  It is now widely recognised that most of our problems could be solved by money - but this would also give us the option of running away from each other too.  I was feeling undervalued because of widespread lack of sympathy and M wasn't in the mood to make any compensatory gesture. 

I have decided that what he needs is a partner who is not as bright as him, but more organised and admiring - she can treat him as the scholar/artist that he is... and I have even thought of someone.  What I need is - well, there is only one candidate, but failing him I would make do with someone affluent who travelled a lot so I could have some time on my own, or have the option of accompanying him.  He would of course be incredibly kind, sympathetic and - oh well, that will do.  This game of Fantasy Husbands must stop!  It always escalates around the time of arguments.   I don't hate arguing any more, but what I hate is the masque of penitential behaviour M presents for about 24 hours afterwards (that's if I've managed to make a point). He does lots of pointedly thoughtful and affectionate things which make me feel uncomfortable. 

I am fascinated by the idea that when your oestrogen goes so does your urge to nurture... I have definitely lost mine. But just for fun I did clean the stove today, to see how domestic duty felt.   I cook, I wash, I occasionally iron and clean the bathroom, I dust and wipe as necessary - in an emergency I instruct the family in the hoovering role...

Anyway, I don't know if it was the argument or what, but I didn't feel in work mode today.  I spent most of the day in a blur of bits of email, bits of finding potential clients, and then had a meeting about the Arts Festival with a nice man who operates LMHR around here.  A genuine Thanetian...he also runs a printing co-op... but doesn't seem to be very upfront about it. 

I was going to go the bank and the post office - but I ran out of time.  I made pancakes - which I regard as heroic as it is a thoroughly tedious business.  The boys were ecstatic with the bacon, chicken and chorizo ones they got, and I had leek and spinach ones.  The boys then had 3 sweet ones each (it was getting a little bit like the last scene of Sambo, Le Petit Noir - except the pancakes didn't have stripes) and I had a really delicious one with lemon curd and mascarpone.

It occurs to me that pancakes actually require very little fat - so why did Sambo's mother decide pancakes would be the perfect way to use the unexpected bonus of tiger grease? Dripping toast would have been more appropriate.

Today was of course the first day of Lent, and I have decided to attempt (I don't know why I've never done this before) to largely adopt the diet recommended to Daniel and his chums when they went to live in Belshazzar's household: vegetables and water.  When I have managed to lose enormous amounts of weight on this by Easter I shall write a devotional diet book called "The Bible Diet|" which will make me phenomenally rich - and will also result in a massive weight loss in the US which will be called "The Tightening of the Bible Belt".  Needless to say that lemon curd and mascarpone pancakes will not be a really big part of this diet, but one has to have some fun.   Actually, I am sure there is something in Isaiah about curds and honey... I could go through the whole Bible and see what dietary advice is there - but Orthodox Jews have been following that dietary advice for generations and I don't think kosher food makes you thin.  Actually, the Lord's advice to Daniel et al. resulted in them looking rather sleek and glossy and better than the other chaps who were eating the Babylonian food.  

I haven't written anything proper today, and I now feel I am 'entitled' to a break.  But I might just have a look to see what David is up to...he really does need to talk to his father, otherwise he can't make a marriage proposal.

Oh look - another half hour up.