Squall talk

The Summer Squall festival is over.   I feel that it was a raging success, but I also feel that our attendance numbers were lower than last year - this is just a gut feeling - not counted.  Partly because of Blink in Margate.

I gave my talk on Menander and got 18 in the audience... I really enjoyed doing it, and it pretty much filled the time available, and people were quite engaged, asked questions etc.  so it did the job.   Actually, I feel so pleased with myself, that I am wondering about doing it again.  Lovely woman came and said what a great voice I had - and how charismatic I was and other people laughed a lot, a couple of people went to see the play on the back of the talk - and said it added to their appreciation.   I think what really gave me the most pleasure was that I really was telling people something they didn't know, and helping them join up odd bits of knowledge - which is what one wants to do - to create a better understanding of how Western European works....(well, a tiny bit of it). 

In the afternoon we went to see "The Grumpy Old Git" which Clive had updated a bit, but it was still set in Ancient Greece.... worked very well.  Anette was marvellous - what a range of expressions she does!  The others were good too, but knowing A quite well it was more interesting to see her acting, as I've only seen her in the murder mystery before.  I liked it, it worked well as a sort of pantomime - the Nymphs had to do girlish laughs whenever their names were mentioned. 

In the evening The Number 9 bus to Utopia was really good. Lots of things to think about, so we bought the DVD.

Have to go and tidy up for German B&B guests!   But will try and write more soon.

Festival Day 1

Got up very early, did some emails, went back to bed.  Then Jon came around with the printwork he'd done for us to use to smooth the waters.  Am so impressed with him - he's really good and sensible - and does nice designs too.

Then Vale Square - helped Emily with her Van Gogh Paint in - it went really well... lots of children and parents, and Andrew Baldwin's fantastic kinetic sculpture - the naked male is always an attractive feature - and a rather strange one with wings.  House ok - but liked it less somehow.    Then went to Chris & Shelly's Open Studio - the house looks fantastic, and their work very enjoyable.  Home for short break, then off to hear the Scatterlings recite - very good news, really enjoyable poetry and met the other two poets, Mark and Geraldine.  The La Cope - which was good, but after I'd seen the first half I didn't really have time to stay for the rest, and didn't have the overwhelming desire to, conscious that I needed to get home to make beds for Mark and Mixy, the Dead Poets.

They appeared at 6.00 - had wine in the garden, then they left to explore Ramsgate - and we had Indian takeaway, which arrived just as Mark was called to the Pavilion to collect the PA, then we had dinner and now we are having an argument about what film to watch which will last until it is too late to watch anything.   Ned and Finn were very good about delivering letters - generally helping out.  I thought it was all going so well, and now the row about films (Mighty Boosh vs. Amarcord) is making me fed up again.

The Festival Begins

I haven't blogged for a few days - I have been writing my talk for the Festival.  It took ages.
It is now Saturday morning - and it is raining, damn it.  I have great confidence that it will not rain too much - but the weather forecast does suggest rain.  However, the weather forecast is notably wrong.  The 24 hour one is the worst, always saying the opposite of the weather actually outside one's window.  I don't think it really is a Ramsgate weather forecast, but done for the whole of Kent - it's way too generic.

Today I am helping in Vale Square at Emily T's Van Gogh thing - weather permitting... then going to see Open Studios - then Scatterlings followed by Wendy Cope - if the weather's crap it should help the Scatterlings.  At some point we have to deliver letters about the Squall in the Park - and then check the areas for the marquees etc.

Last night we had the launch party - I managed to finish my talk and the slide show (my first Power Point!) by about 3.00pm - obviously I am now having lots of extra thoughts that I want to include - and need to edit it... but there's time.

I really enjoyed the party - once I'd got my "extra duties" out of the way - but I couldn't quite let rip - the thought of things to do today... still it was very jolly, drank just about enough to maintain the flow and met some new interesting people, as well as the usual crowd, some of whom I got to speak to, others I didn't.  But I am sure we will all be in and out of each other's events over the weekend, and then there's the volunteers' party on Monday night to look forward to, if I'm still standing.  I am terribly unfit, walked home with Sam and Mark and had to stop at a cash machine during the ascent of the High Street, just to get a rest.

The diet is working - I've lost a kilo or so - but is hardly very authentic, last night substituted canapes for supper - and ate a lot of really good samosas.  I am beginning to feel better though, more alert etc.  Not so tired.  Amazing the damage high carb foods do to one's mind. 

Noel Ensoll was as agreeable to meet as I had thought he would be - v. nice about my StageCorner blog - and bright and interesting.  Hope we'll have further conversations.  We were talking about some sort of Dickens event for next year's festival, as well as a Pugin event of course - and perhaps a Montefiore event... lots of things could be added in.   

However, there was a "comedian" who slagged off our programme for being so highly intellectual (she singled my talk out) - I didn't hear her, because I was outside chatting with people, I felt indignant at her dissing our rather inclusive and, I thought, well balanced, programme.   She can say what she likes about my contribution, I was amused that I had been mentioned in dispatches.  I expect I'll get more laughs than she apparently did.  Later I felt sorry for her, because she'd been very nervous apparently, and was trying to be ironic, had misjudged the audience and no one had laughed - and she'd plugged on for 15 minutes.   Christ!  But much as I hate the self-congratulatory nature of the municipal waffle that goes on at these events (actually, I didn't hear that either), particularly the high-class guff at things like the Turner Contemporary launch, I don't feel taking the piss out of an event is really quite the right thing to do - unless you can actually incorporate some genuinely perceptively critique.  I don't think we have the same kind of over-inflated pretensions of the Turner crowd, and are in far less need of being punctured. 

I also met a slightly slick suited man called James, who I suspect is a prospective PPC - i.e, doing the rounds.  He seemed quite nice, but I wasn't getting the whiff of clenched fist passion off him that I personally prefer in a Labour MP.  But who knows, he may have a heart for the poor?

We left at 9.30 - I felt bad about leaving the washing up, but I had emails to send.

The I Ching

It seems a bit shameful to do the I Ching.  I did it as a teenager - and I was so desperate for the answer I wanted that it really was a waste of time.   Coming to it again a couple of years ago was interesting.  I only bought it because I wanted to remind myself of some of the typical phrases (it profits one to see the great man  etc.) and include them in TFY.  I was using the Wilhelm translation - in all its ambiguity - because it does have those great redolent phrases (you let your magic tortoise go!  pigs & fishes).  I did it today, in an online version which I have discovered,about the usual subject, and I got this very lovely reading - to me. I am copying it here, because I think it describes a situation everyone has been in at some time, but as soon as I read it, I felt my situation perfectly understood.

Hexagram 36

In the last days of the Shang dynasty as it fell into corruption, Prince Ji was one of the very few virtuous men remaining at court. Remonstrating with the ruler would invite brutal retributions; to flee would be a shameful desertion.
The story goes that once, the king and his entourage were so drunk they literally didn’t know what day it was. Messengers were sent to ask Ji. Rather than reveal himself as the only one who knew, he feigned drunkenness and madness. In this way he was able to survive through the last days of Shang without compromising his principles by cooperating with the regime.
‘Brightness Hidden’ also means ‘Brightness Wounded’. Since others do not share your standards or insight, it would be dangerous to let the light of your character shine out freely. Perhaps you have been injured; perhaps you fear injury. Yet you cannot, or will not, leave the situation in search of a stronger position. Instead, you stay true to the light and keep it burning in these hard times by hiding it away.

It seems a bit arrogant to say it applies to me, but it followed from Possession in Great Measure and fitted perfectly - it's about that awful situation of having something to offer, but being prevented from offering it.   This is why I keep my head down and help with arts festivals - otherwise I should go mad!

Only 3 days to go.

Lots to say, but...

The last few days have been interesting.  I went to Society of Authors evening on Friday - always good fun, this was an especially good one.  The topic was which book would you like to burn?   I opted for Nigel Lawson's climate change denial, plenty of oil left book - but overall the interesting thing was whether one should burn books or not.  Generally we felt not, but things like Protocols of the Elders of Zion were a popular choice... 

I think at one point I said something very articulate about the problems of liberalism and its consequences, which I would like to repeat here, but cannot remember what it was.  Of course this may have been an illusion.


Last night was also interesting, met a very nice Welshman at A's and heard many interesting things about TDC and its wickedness.... it is as bad as we think - if not worse... Apparently one Norwegian firm was very put off coming here to do business when TDC people demanded money from them.  Also met, for the second time, the founder of Stiff Records - cool to be able to go home and say to Ned "Do you know, the founder of Stiff Records offered me a spliff 20 minutes ago?" (I found it was skunk, so made my excuses and left!)  He's a very interesting bloke - perhaps I'll meet him sober one day!

Also saw Stephen D here for tea, talked about the "british" place names issue that Michael Bailey had raised (I don't think I've written about that).  And spent most of Saturday morning, 8 - 12.15 dahn the market - giving out programmes to people.  It was good - made the festival more central and accessible to people.  Good response on the whole.   But I am too tired to say more - even though I had 2 hours sleep this afternoon.

We also took the boys out to lunch at the HayWain - a pub I've always wanted to visit on the road to Littlebourne - it was OK - not uber delicious, but very satisfactory - could show Watchet a thing or two!

There is a lot going on in the world - but I appear to be missing out on it.  The Summer Squall takes over everything!

Good news - I have started Atkinsing again, and feel so much better for it.  Perhaps in September I'll go swimming again.

Fame at Last?

I was in Waitrose just now and saw a friend at the deli counter.  "I'm enjoying your blog" she said.
"Which one?" I said nervously "the food one?" (this is my "out" blog).
"No, the more - introspective one."
I was rather amazed that she'd found it, but it shows it can be done.  A timely reminder that I need to be more diplomatic in my comments on Ramsgate affairs and inter-relationships, not that I think I've said anything very upsetting, but if she can find out, no doubt others can.  

My first brush with fame today was interviewing Wendy Cope on the phone today for the Gazette.  She was rather more formal than I'd expected, but perhaps a certain reserve necessary in a poet whose feelings have been widely paraded.  She said of her early poems "Well, I was a young single woman then" and was keen to stress how much more contented she was now.   All familiar stuff.

Now I have done some of the things I ought today, so I will go and have a bath and wash my hair and generally beautify myself for the SoA do.   Sad that Simon won't be there - but Eyvor is very kindly giving me a lift.  Bad news, as it means I can drink - because I have to be up at sparrow's flatulence tomorrow to run a market stall.   Perhaps I can revise some Menander while I'm on the stall.  Several people have said they are "looking forward" to it.   Ooo-er.

Wistful moments

On the way back from South Molton we came up the M5.  On a hill in the east was a deep orange glow.  I thought it must be a furnace or an industrial process of some sort (in England?  Absurd).  In fact it was a tremendous moonrise, complementing the tremendous (volcanic ash) orange and red sunset opposite.  Which reminded me that it was an Aquarius full moon - and thus might be said to be the end of some sort of cycle in my domestic life.  I have to say that the following day everyone behaved so foully that I rather wished I could divorce the whole lot of them and live in poverty somewhere.

I would like to leave them for about 3 weeks to see how they got on without me - and get on with some writing.   We used to have this fantasy about a gite trip - where I would get a one person gite near a village and write furiously.   Of course I would go mad, but I love the idea.  My other idea would be to get on a train and drift around Europe.

My father's spiritual diagnosis of me at present was what he calls possession by a "spirit of frustration".  I don't think there's anything especially spiritual about it at all.  For several years I know that I have felt trapped by my circumstances and yes, I am frustrated by the limitations of my life.   I did hope setting up some more business ventures would enable me to get a bit of money so that I could at least have some more freedom, but so far, not enough dosh is being generated. My frustration continues, and I continue to try and make the best of the circumstances, but some days it is not enough to satisfy me.

Inglorious Food

I have moved all my food thoughts to the Food Odyssey blog - see column on the right!

Yesterday's food experiences in Devon and Somerset tell us something about the state of British food.   We are meant to be living in a great ate of eating out.  Sadly this news has not filtered through to a great many areas.  Food is very tied up with the class system - and it shouldn't be.  A great deal of what is thought of as "middle class" food nowadays was working class food 40 plus years ago.  

Obviously making ready made food into a mass produced commodity and feeding everyone the idea that a £3.50 meat pie from Sainsburys is much nicer than what you can make yourself has had disastrous effects on the large majority of British people.   Actually, a lot of people who eat this sort of pap would consider themselves middle class - so the true horror is "foodies" - these are the people we try and slander and despise because they are offering a critique of food that is really not "good enough" for everyday consumption.    We bloody minded types are daring to say that if you don't have time to cook - make yourself a bacon sandwich, or have a nice lump of bread and cheese and an apple.  This is better than a ready meal from virtually anywhere. 

The thing has come to such a state that we are told an adequate meal is fantastic - and a ghastly pub meal is regarded as "tasty" by those who presumably like salt and sugar and not much else.  This is not meant to be snobbish - but I am sorry that people are not enjoying really nice food but giving themselves ill health with bad food.

Post-riot punditry

Arrgh!  Almost worse than the riots for me is the endless stream of experts and politicians coming onto the radio and telling us what to think about it.  I have just heard the loathesome Michael Howard on the topic.  Nasty silky voice saying unbearably punitive things.  These people seem to understand nothing except retribution.  The courts are taking a ridiculously harsh stand on these cases - where a child of previously good character, repentant, supported by horrified parents is still getting some drastic punishment.  Have they not heard about the rejoicing in heaven over the one sinner who repents?  

I can imagine these purple faced magistrates - nearing retirement age after a life of telling other people what to do - feeling they have the judgement and the right to do awful things to kids who may have done what they did for reasons far more complex than the magistrates could ever understand.  I know there are nice magistrates, I know people have to be punished - but meden agan!  for goodness sake.  It is the pleasure and self-righteousness these people feel.  I know they cannot understand the situation - they would never have done anything like that - ergo nor should anyone else.  Have they not noticed that people are different - but that the oppositie of self-righteous isn't "out and out criminal"? 

I despair at the lack of understanding, the lack of creativity, the idea that if we import Bill Bratton from the US he will solve our problems (yes, there are no gangs in Chicago, New York etc. now are there?).  I despair at the things I have heard some of my friends say recently.  I know I am a wet liberal - that I understand too much and repress too little, but I do have some solutions.   I do believe we should institute some sort of social service for 6 months or a year that everyone would do after school.   It would cost a lot to set up, but it would give everyone the chance to understand other people's problems.  It would provide jobs (the young people would need supervision) for older people.  It would help create greater empathy in society if done properly.  

Ned (17) thinks it's a revolting idea - making young people do something - forcing them to give up their precious time etc. Outrage!  Therefore it is probably an idea, structure and discipline are important - I didn't find that out until I became freelance in the 90's and I think it was a bit late for me then, or rather I developed my own structure and discipline based on deadlines and what was urgent and making priorities according to that.

Now I am indulging in uninteresting punditry of my own - and so I will go away for a 3 hour drive to South Devon to see the famous Uncle Jeffrey - Mark's uncle whom I've never met.   It's a grey day, but I hope we'll find a nice pub to visit for lunch.

A tale of two parties

Yesterday went to two parties.  First a lunch party for a friend's Golden Wedding - one of my book group.  I sat and talked exclusively with one person, because that was the way things were arranged.   There was lots of wine and sarnies and vol au vents, but I wished she'd asked me to do the catering.

Then there was music - I haven't been to a party where you actually had to listen to music - usually you can talk over it, so discipline was needed.  I thought the cello playing was occasionally rather uncomfortable - and I was pleased to be able to leave before her solo.

Then I sauntered down to Vale Square for the annual fundraising party.  There were two hosts, each with their own table of food - ours was clearly the more foodie table.  It is unfortunate that I had stuffed myself with sarnies so the incredibly delicious food came too late, but I did have some very good spanakopitta and a delicious salad with roast squash in it.    I had brought trifle and so had 3 other people.  Mine had syllabub on top... a few points there I think, but was curiously bland otherwise, rather disappointing. Not enough blackberry vodka on the sponge cake I think.

There were lots of nice people at the party - and I really enjoyed it.  I drank way too much, and slept badly.  Oh dear.  Now off to Cippenham.  Curiously met a guy who had lived in the same road as me when I was young.

Yipee!

I have done all my tasks - everything is sorted - well, one or two unfinished bits, but it means I can sit at the computer without feeling guilty.   I will do one or two other things, but tomorrow is shopping - finance - Broadstairs - leaflet distribution... more agreeable on the whole.

Of course it is still about 3 weeks to the festival so plenty of time to things to go wrong - and be righted and go wrong again.... really hope things are OK.  Connoisseurs can probably tell from my prose style that I am tired - seems to be my permanent condition.    Somehow even my rest periods are task laden - Sunday for example I will be getting up and going to Cippenham and feeding my father's desire for home cooking... well  I must just get on with it - it will be a change anyway.

Whatever happened to lying in the sun and powering through novels and history book without worrying about having to do anything?  

All efforts to save money for future holidays undermined by the necessity to pay for MoT tests and the like (our car failed, and we should have a bill of about £380.)  Oh well, another invoice is going in tomorrow - so we can scrape by somehow.  I really want a proper holiday next year - not just a couple of days snatched here and there.  I don't think a long weekend in Belgium would count really.

Burnin' an' lootin'

I should mention the riots - they are The News at the moment.  I've had a lot of interesting conversations about them over the last couple of days.  We are all trying to reason why - and here are the answers:

1.  It is the school hols, and disaffected young people are bored.
2.  There is always a great deal of anti-police feeling.
3.  We live in a world of widening inequality.
4.  Money/material possessions are too important to people - but it is hard to tell people who have very little that this is the case.
5.  People feel forgotten neglected and marginalised - and this is an opportunity to make people notice them.
6.  Some people are politically motivated - some are just good old fashioned criminals, most are just opportunists/thrill seekers (it beats white-water rafting for sure).
7. This is being done by young men not in education, employment or training - they are pissed off.
8.  People do not feel engaged with their communities - and turn on them when they are angry.
9.  There is no justification for burning private houses.
10.  This is now multi-racial rioting - at last our multi-cultural society has produced a youth which riots together!


Anything the police or the Tories say about anarchist, criminals etc. is just grandstanding.  And also, the police provoked it.  You cannot go around shooting people - even drug dealing gangsters - and expecting everyone will just nod sagely and take no notice. 

Bloody Festival

Of course it's fatal to think things will always go smoothly - and at the moment everything seems to be going a bit wonky - and to top it all I am being harassed at a distance by S - who despite being on holiday can't seem to let go of things.   She's probably right, but I need to get some stuff finished and not be asked to do new stuff all the time.

So far I am committed to:

Finish all the Risk Assessments gathering in and finish my own one.
Do at least 2 more Press Releases, check over the listings
Do another Stage Corner blog (probably)
Contact local radio and tv
Write and research a lecture on Menander
Put up several people in my house
Make sure the whole Squall in the Park event runs properly - with associated poets, workshops etc. and now they have changed the goal posts!
And of course I will be stewarding at the events - attending the launch in an auxiliary capacity etc. etc.

And I do actually have a family and domestic responsibilities etc.

Bienvenuto ai cari lettori italiani!

Actually, just one Italian reader!  But nice that finally someone in Italy has dropped by - or maybe it's just a "regular" reader who happens to be in Italy.  I fortunately don't mind too much about numbers, although just occasionally, a comment would be interesting.  Or perhaps this blog is so scarey no one dares comment.   I comment sometimes on other blogs - usually on beautiful photos - or a situation that seems familiar - but it hasn't led to an ongoing discussion of any kind.   A bit of chat would be nice - occasionally.

La lotta continua!

What fresh hell? The riots as extreme shopping?

Every morning in the last few weeks there has been news that seems surprising and shocking - so many quite unexpected things are happening that I feel we are beginning to see the change that some of us have anticipated, coming closer.

I'm thinking at present of the downrating of the US's credit rating and China's reaction to it; but the rioting in London - although of a different order, reflects the economic uncertainty in some ways.   This whole year seems to have had extraordinary news - things like the tsunami and the nuclear accidents in Japan, the unending bad economic news, the News of the World business - things are being swept away - the familiar landscape is disappearing.   Usually this happens slowly - imperceptibly - now it seems to have speeded up.   The US credit rating, coupled with the economic crisises in Ireland, Greece and now Spain and Italy suggests that the whole idiocy of moving manufacturing industry to China from the west is now coming home to roost. 

When I was in London on Saturday the level of retail activity was such that I found myself thinking of the line in Revelation: And he causeth all, both small and great , rich and poor , free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand , or in their foreheads: 17 And that no man might buy or sell , save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

I wasn't particularly thinking about the mark of the beast (which is currently believed to be your credit card number!) - but just the whole idea of buying and selling - that it seems to be the major activity.  Of course it is, it always has been, but we have gone a long way beyond necessity - now it is necessary, not for us individually, but for the whole benefit of society to buy and sell as much as we can to preserve the economy.  We are not stopping for a good reason now, only because we can't afford to.  But it has become too much of the economy.  The riots in Tottenham etc. in the last two nights, are perhaps just a form of extreme shopping - no credit card required.  There is clearly a lot of good old fashioned criminal activity going on here - there is also a general lack of restraint - whatever happened to that backlash we've been expecting?

A trip to London

We went to London yesterday.   It was an extraordinary day, in the middle of the day was a very pleasant time, bookended by two 3-1/2 hour journeys to and from Hammersmith.

In the morning we decided to drive to Hammersmith going into London from Kent and driving around the South Circular - this was pretty clear until we got to Dulwich, after which it became progressively more congested.   Also, when we got to Fulham Broadway Dawes Road seemed to have disappeared - my fault with the map reading I expect.   The traffic was painfully slow - we were an hour and a half late for Finn's fingerboarding event, so we dropped him, parked and rushed off to have fun - on the bus!

I used to love August in London, it was always quiet, the restaurants were empty, you could wander around the streets in Bloomsbury and Fitzrovia and always find a seat in your favourite pub - oh, dear, cue violins.  This is no longer the case - it is stuffed with people.  Clearly there is too much money in circulation.

Nowadays of course, London is not part of the UK as such - it has become a "world city".  I.e. you can't tell what Londoners are wearing because you can't see many.  Everyone is visiting - you can tell the Londoners by the harassed looks - they walk swiftly and try to avoid hoi polloi. 

There seem to be retail outlets in every available space - the whole of Hammersmith Tube station is now one (if was a bit like the one under the Louvre, only smaller and the shops probably slightly tackier (not much in it though)).  There were artificially-lit places to eat and drink - without an aspect of any kind.   And everything was much much more expensive.    We walked along part of Kensington High Street - there were lovely things to buy (never a problem in Ramsgate) and I was very conscious of how impossible it would be for us to live in London now - financially.   OK, so this was Kensington - we saw a Patisserie Valerie and thought about having tea there - but the cakes looked a bit lumpy and mass produced (I remember when PV wasn't a chain), next door was a very bijou food shop - with matching prices, and around the corner was a lovely Ottolenghi shop - £4.20 for a nice gluten free choc. cake with thick icing... other things were more reasonable.

We had an elegant Italian lunch at The Ark - I explained its role in my history to Mark - how I used to walk past it on my way to school as a child - how it had always had a tiny menu - very bistroey - how we had discovered it as students as a place to eat that was bohemian smart and good and reasonable - serving Elizabeth David food - avocado vinaigrette, pate, soups, Boeuf Bourguinon, etc, and lemon sorbet - and how James always ate lemon sorbet and never tried anything else.  And how, after eating there for years, we finally ate there when we had been to the counselling people in Kensington and where we agreed to divorce.    I think he was a bit worried that history would repeat itself.   In fact it was a really nice meal, only slightly marred because I misread the menu and ordered a really expensive wine (£33 for a Greco di Tufo seems rather unreasonable - last time I went there I think they still had house wines). We talked about all the stuff we used to talk about when we were relaxed - our ambitions and projects, and ideas about people and things.  He was feeling positive towards me because on Friday night I had got into some interesting conversations at the Marine Studios - and he believes in TFY - even though he inevitably doesn't like it.   He said he really admired me for writing a novel that was so honest about things - and how people - especially men - like to shut up about their past mistakes.  Or tell themselves different more flattering versions of stories; he said he thought some men used this to manipulate people.  I'm sure women do to, but traditionally women have less pride about themselves in some way - more interest in understanding people and how they work.

So the lunch was very much like old times - and we both agreed that we needed to do more of this somehow.  He is - when he's on form, such a nice, perceptive man - but it's the everyday stuff that gets to me.   Interestingly recently we heard a programme on the radio about ADHD - and the description of behaviour which seemed to match M perfectly - the disorganisation, short term memory, lack of a sense of priority - the need to have someone in their lives who organised them.  My problem is that I not nurturing enough - I get a bit tired of it, I need someone to be more independent.

But you never get everything you want do you?  So would I be better off with someone much more organised and focussed - but perhaps less sensitive and perceptive?  Not that there is a choice of course, life doesn't usually work like that - but at least I recognise M's good qualities now - not suddenly noticing them years later - when I no longer have him (this is only a for instance). 

Do I feel more committed to him as a result?  I don't know, I just wish I wasn't so ground down by incessant demands on my time to actually have time to enjoy our relationship a bit.   

By the time we were driving home we were snapping at each other again - although with less acerbity perhaps, more a sense of inevitability.   I was cross because I missed the turn off to the M3 (we decided to go back via M3 - M25 - M20 etc. to see if it was quicker (it's further in mileage), and we ended up driving to Reigate to get onto the M25 which was virtually at a standstill.   I was pretty cross.   However, we found out later, that as a result of getting on to the motorway where we did, we avoided a 30 mile tailback - 30 miles?!!  due to an accident - we had luckily arrived about a mile north of the incident so we only had to wait about 30 minutes before we got clear of the road (a lorry had crossed the central reservation).   I remember C. once spent 7 hours on the M25 - which is one of the reasons I hate it (although in her case I would have got off and driven down the back roads).   So in fact M's mad  alternative route was an absolute blessing - and we could have been stuck on the M25 for considerably longer.

We are very lucky really - and although life is rather tough at the moment it is not as unpleasant as it could be.   I am wondering whether to clear my study and fit it up as a bedroom for a student - it's tempting, especially if it was an older student.

Overall, the major thing I learned from the day is that, much as I loved London, I no longer wished to live there, because the traffic was so appalling it made one feel frustrated and powerless.  We also decided that although it only takes 1 hour to get to Blackheath/Greenwich, we would never ever drive to West London again....