Remarkably I remembered some more "sex pest" incidents from my youth when we (Anna G, Kirstie and I) were discussing the dreaded Savile case at dinner last night: the coach driver at Aylesford, the Indian in the Tropical House at Kew - and the famous flasher Anna Cohen and I saw on the Tube on night. I had rather forgotten these incidents - oh, and the wanker in Kensington Gardens - fortunately I was with my father that day (I was about 6 or 7). Really, I seem to have spent half my childhood recovering from one minor assault or another. How did I cope? Clearly I was very lucky not to have suffered anything worse. But I always have been very very lucky about sex - no rape, no unwanted pregnancy, no venereal disease and several really rather good lovers...worst thing ever to happen? Going to bed with a couple of people out of boredom...that idiot toe sucker, the unwanted attempt at anal sex... rapidly repulsed. I guess I have an adequate supply of haughtiness to rebuke such events.
Maybe "a lot of anger" sensed by my therapist, was also sensed by would-be assaulters - and they decided it was better not to risk it? I don't know, would be interesting to know how often other girls experienced these incidents. Did I seem superficially more vulnerable - or was I just alone in the wrong places, with the wrong people? Or maybe I didn't experience many of these events compared with others.
I don't think these events were especially frightening - except the coach driver - because he might not have let me get out of the coach... I wonder if they really had no great influence on me - or whether I just ostriched them? I suppose what I find vaguely annoying about Coellie is that she rather wallows in all her pains - drags out the insults and goes over them - goes on courses to deal with them. Whereas I just try and get over them - to a certain extent I do rationalise them and to a certain extent that works. I suppose it's a bit like CBT - when I think of an event and someone says "how awful, how ghastly" I'm often surprised, because I haven't dwellt on the what ifs, haven't thought about how much worse it could all have been...
She is clearly still very emotional about our mother and her relationship with her. I am still upset that I feel so negative about her 3 years after her death. But I understand from therapy that while one can understand a situation rationally, ie understand why my mother was so angry and upset about being pregnant with me, it doesn't necessarily help. I could try going over it 22 times - but the truth is, I probably have and I doubt it has got much better so I think burying what one can't deal with or improve, may be unsatisfactory, but at least it doesn't prolong the agony.
Maybe "a lot of anger" sensed by my therapist, was also sensed by would-be assaulters - and they decided it was better not to risk it? I don't know, would be interesting to know how often other girls experienced these incidents. Did I seem superficially more vulnerable - or was I just alone in the wrong places, with the wrong people? Or maybe I didn't experience many of these events compared with others.
I don't think these events were especially frightening - except the coach driver - because he might not have let me get out of the coach... I wonder if they really had no great influence on me - or whether I just ostriched them? I suppose what I find vaguely annoying about Coellie is that she rather wallows in all her pains - drags out the insults and goes over them - goes on courses to deal with them. Whereas I just try and get over them - to a certain extent I do rationalise them and to a certain extent that works. I suppose it's a bit like CBT - when I think of an event and someone says "how awful, how ghastly" I'm often surprised, because I haven't dwellt on the what ifs, haven't thought about how much worse it could all have been...
She is clearly still very emotional about our mother and her relationship with her. I am still upset that I feel so negative about her 3 years after her death. But I understand from therapy that while one can understand a situation rationally, ie understand why my mother was so angry and upset about being pregnant with me, it doesn't necessarily help. I could try going over it 22 times - but the truth is, I probably have and I doubt it has got much better so I think burying what one can't deal with or improve, may be unsatisfactory, but at least it doesn't prolong the agony.
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