Yesterday was my father in law's funeral. It "all went very well" - despite the rendition of My Way, and the organist playing For all the Saints at a funereal pace. I think it ought to be more sprightly.
Mark spoke about his father, which was very good, and Ned read a few verses from the Song of Songs, Flora read To His Coy Mistress - emphasising it was about seizing life and enjoying it to the full... Eventually, at the reception, after a few glasses of wine I saw my mother in law, who was standing nearby, and felt moved to give her a hug.
"Are we all right now?" she said
"More or less" I said smiling.
I now feel mystified at why and how I was so angry. I have been thinking and praying about it for days, and still don't quite "get it". When we were driving to the funeral I found myself thinking some absurd, new Agey thought about "making anger your friend". Part of me feels I need to get rid of this anger, but I know it is so deep-rooted and tied to situations (rejection by my mother) that can never be undone, that I wonder if this is a practical project. I don't really want to spend the next 30 or 40 years failing at something. I have wondered about the Christian healing/deliverance thing - dealing with it that way. But I'm not sure - what do I dread? I dread going there and reliving my emotions and crying and so on, and praying with people who I don't feel comfortable with, whose theology is so different from mine. But my theology, my branch doesn't really have an outlet for this sort of thing - except spiritual direction/therapy - and I did find my sessions with Liz very helpful, but I doubt whether I can afford to do it, or find anyone around here. Unless I can go to Minster and get some help there.
Anger and hatred
So, if I can't beat the anger - how can I use it? I know it can make me more creative, a good articulate rant... but it can also make me eat too much. Use it for writing I suppose. But making it a friend? It's a part of myself, my identity, a lot of people sense it in me, are a little scared by it at times. But yet it's nothing - an emotion that holds one for a while, and then drops you. Usually I am quick tempered, a quick snap and then back into place. In other circumstances I am slow to anger, burying it and hiding it for a long time until it overflows its prison and explodes - spraying everything with shards of hatred. Is hatred the inevitable product of anger - what is the relationship between them, which comes first? I think the anger - hatred is sometimes independent of anger, but prolonged, unassuaged anger can create hatred. Or is it just resentment? I don't regard myself as someone who hates generally, but I certainly felt I hated S for the last 2 weeks - and now I don't.
I've always felt hatred was not possible unless you'd loved someone - but there's more to it than that. I suspect I need to have a long hard look at this anger - and try and sort it out a bit. I do not wish to hate anyone, but....there have been a number of recent times when I've had to question why I feel so intensely furious with certain people. Is this just middle-aged disappointmen? Or some alignment of the stars?
Mark spoke about his father, which was very good, and Ned read a few verses from the Song of Songs, Flora read To His Coy Mistress - emphasising it was about seizing life and enjoying it to the full... Eventually, at the reception, after a few glasses of wine I saw my mother in law, who was standing nearby, and felt moved to give her a hug.
"Are we all right now?" she said
"More or less" I said smiling.
I now feel mystified at why and how I was so angry. I have been thinking and praying about it for days, and still don't quite "get it". When we were driving to the funeral I found myself thinking some absurd, new Agey thought about "making anger your friend". Part of me feels I need to get rid of this anger, but I know it is so deep-rooted and tied to situations (rejection by my mother) that can never be undone, that I wonder if this is a practical project. I don't really want to spend the next 30 or 40 years failing at something. I have wondered about the Christian healing/deliverance thing - dealing with it that way. But I'm not sure - what do I dread? I dread going there and reliving my emotions and crying and so on, and praying with people who I don't feel comfortable with, whose theology is so different from mine. But my theology, my branch doesn't really have an outlet for this sort of thing - except spiritual direction/therapy - and I did find my sessions with Liz very helpful, but I doubt whether I can afford to do it, or find anyone around here. Unless I can go to Minster and get some help there.
Anger and hatred
So, if I can't beat the anger - how can I use it? I know it can make me more creative, a good articulate rant... but it can also make me eat too much. Use it for writing I suppose. But making it a friend? It's a part of myself, my identity, a lot of people sense it in me, are a little scared by it at times. But yet it's nothing - an emotion that holds one for a while, and then drops you. Usually I am quick tempered, a quick snap and then back into place. In other circumstances I am slow to anger, burying it and hiding it for a long time until it overflows its prison and explodes - spraying everything with shards of hatred. Is hatred the inevitable product of anger - what is the relationship between them, which comes first? I think the anger - hatred is sometimes independent of anger, but prolonged, unassuaged anger can create hatred. Or is it just resentment? I don't regard myself as someone who hates generally, but I certainly felt I hated S for the last 2 weeks - and now I don't.
I've always felt hatred was not possible unless you'd loved someone - but there's more to it than that. I suspect I need to have a long hard look at this anger - and try and sort it out a bit. I do not wish to hate anyone, but....there have been a number of recent times when I've had to question why I feel so intensely furious with certain people. Is this just middle-aged disappointmen? Or some alignment of the stars?
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