So why write, why not just curl up in bed? Dunno really - just the need to be, to feel, to sense something was done or created today. It wasn't a bad day, I had my hair done, had a long talk with my hair friend Marion - chiefly about the friend who introduced us and is going through an incredible down - clearly her medication which she's been on for 20 odd years is out of balance. Had a nice lunch together in a cafe in a craft centre in the middle of the countryside beyond Sittingborne... a feast of reason and a flow of soul indeed, and all this on one glass of Biddenden Ortega.... But the last few days post funeral have been tiring - the "lovely trip" to Hampton Court Flower show was exhausting - as walking more than 4 miles in 30 degree heat tends to be - even when interspersed with sit downs and cool drinks... I don't like floral trade shows, it was v. sweet of A to get me a ticket, but liking plants and gardens is not the same as liking flower shows, and she was in a desperate state, and required a lot of common sense to counter it - and she was not able to listen to it.
In the scheme of things, which is worse, to be a depressive for 20 plus years, or to have a more critical sudden condition like cancer? I don't know, but it's easier to deal with people who aren't bi-polar, since not everything they say is the product of complex emotional states which they don't have much insight about. A wouldn't really be up for a talking cure at the moment - even if she were interested in it, which she's not....so, on with the cocktail - the chemical cosh. There are times when her thinking seems truly deranged - or demented. It is so sad. We feel impatient with her, because objectively her life is about 200% better than it was 2-3 years ago. She is no longer a carer since her father is no longer ill, he's dead, and her mother is in a home, not living with her winding her up, her youngest son who was also very ill with OCD has got a job and found a flat... my God, if my life had improved like that in the last few years I would be skipping about full of the joys - or at least doing my equivalent. But poor old A is just not up to any kind of enjoyment, cannot cope, is seething with anxiety - and apparently becoming increasingly helpless. This is the woman who is jittery with anxiety because she has booked two holidays this year and doesn't know what to pack. For f's sake - it's the Med, in summer, you're 56 - what did you pack the last 30 times you did that? Well, pack it again!
I am pleased with the hair - and I enjoyed my time with Marion...but I am just so tired. I cannot believe that if my life improved by 200% that I would not be feeling considerably more cheerful than A.What would my life feel like if it were 200% better? 200% more money would be nice - although that wouldn't be an absolutely massive income it would be closer to a living wage. 200% more creativity and productivity would be excellent - 200% more emotional fulfillment - or do I mean love? Hmmm. Actually, since 3 of her problems were solved her life is 300% better - and if we were talking about 300% more money that would be really quite decent. But 300% more emotional engagement - how would we measure that exactly, and 300% of what? There have been small steps towards improvements I suppose it's futile to expect a great improvement.
What do Women Want?
...is a new book that has come out by Daniel Berger, whom I heard speaking on Woman's Hour this morning. Apparently what we want is variety, excitement and not to feel repulsed by our husbands.... Apparently men are far more loyal and faithful and less likely to roam. I think I ought to read it - I am thinking of writing a really anti-romantic novel some time in the not too distant. Love is a very mysterious beast - and its comings and goings seem quite unpredictable. It is unbiddable? - love that one ought to feel, ie spousal love, cannot be ordered to be present, if it goes, it goes. Does it come back? Is it driven out temporarily and will hang around and plot a chance to return. Who knows? And if this is the case, why bother to even consider starting again. I've spent a lot of my life arming myself against disappointment, maybe I've finally succeeded in becoming less vulnerable.
In the scheme of things, which is worse, to be a depressive for 20 plus years, or to have a more critical sudden condition like cancer? I don't know, but it's easier to deal with people who aren't bi-polar, since not everything they say is the product of complex emotional states which they don't have much insight about. A wouldn't really be up for a talking cure at the moment - even if she were interested in it, which she's not....so, on with the cocktail - the chemical cosh. There are times when her thinking seems truly deranged - or demented. It is so sad. We feel impatient with her, because objectively her life is about 200% better than it was 2-3 years ago. She is no longer a carer since her father is no longer ill, he's dead, and her mother is in a home, not living with her winding her up, her youngest son who was also very ill with OCD has got a job and found a flat... my God, if my life had improved like that in the last few years I would be skipping about full of the joys - or at least doing my equivalent. But poor old A is just not up to any kind of enjoyment, cannot cope, is seething with anxiety - and apparently becoming increasingly helpless. This is the woman who is jittery with anxiety because she has booked two holidays this year and doesn't know what to pack. For f's sake - it's the Med, in summer, you're 56 - what did you pack the last 30 times you did that? Well, pack it again!
I am pleased with the hair - and I enjoyed my time with Marion...but I am just so tired. I cannot believe that if my life improved by 200% that I would not be feeling considerably more cheerful than A.What would my life feel like if it were 200% better? 200% more money would be nice - although that wouldn't be an absolutely massive income it would be closer to a living wage. 200% more creativity and productivity would be excellent - 200% more emotional fulfillment - or do I mean love? Hmmm. Actually, since 3 of her problems were solved her life is 300% better - and if we were talking about 300% more money that would be really quite decent. But 300% more emotional engagement - how would we measure that exactly, and 300% of what? There have been small steps towards improvements I suppose it's futile to expect a great improvement.
What do Women Want?
...is a new book that has come out by Daniel Berger, whom I heard speaking on Woman's Hour this morning. Apparently what we want is variety, excitement and not to feel repulsed by our husbands.... Apparently men are far more loyal and faithful and less likely to roam. I think I ought to read it - I am thinking of writing a really anti-romantic novel some time in the not too distant. Love is a very mysterious beast - and its comings and goings seem quite unpredictable. It is unbiddable? - love that one ought to feel, ie spousal love, cannot be ordered to be present, if it goes, it goes. Does it come back? Is it driven out temporarily and will hang around and plot a chance to return. Who knows? And if this is the case, why bother to even consider starting again. I've spent a lot of my life arming myself against disappointment, maybe I've finally succeeded in becoming less vulnerable.
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