An observation on sulking

Over the Summer Squall I worked with a couple of people I find rather hard work - and many whom I really like... but the one I found hard work was the one who sulked.  It began reasonably well, but things deteriorated - the whys and wherefores are not particularly necessary - although I know some people would like to hear the details.  Most of the unpleasantness occurred between her and my colleague on Saturday - I managed to avoid her ambit on Sunday and Monday, but at Tuesday I was back at her establishment.  I was not looking forward to seeing her - noticed she was wearing some hideous shoes and said admiringly "Wow - X____ , what amazing shoes!"   She blanked me.  I made another attempt a little later on but she did the same so after that I contented myself with smiling and staring out of the window in "a superier way" as Daisy Ashford would have said.  Meanwhile X was marching about - that particular way of stepping to show one's annoyance - it works better for men - doing it in yellow plastic shoes doesn't quite have the same effect, petulance rather than authority is conveyed.

I was glad to leave her ambit, and I was both amused and disappointed that she felt sulking was an appropriate way to behave.  Sulking is childish, that goes almost without saying, it is a way of attracting attention, a demand that others placate you.  It sort of works in children, because you want to jolly them along out of it - but as a strategy it does not work on people who don't love you, or care that much about your good opinion.  On the whole, I can think of few people whose good opinion I care less about.  I wonder if she will cross me off her invitation list.  It is a shock when people perform a great fall in your estimation.  I started the weekend with one view of her, and ended it with another.  I wasn't personally involved in any of the aggro on Saturday, but to see such unnecessarily unpleasant behaviour was shocking.

What we did at the weekend will have brought her advantages and footfall to her business.  She probably had more people there on Saturday than had been in the place for the last month.  Perhaps that's why she was cross.  

Barber (of Seville) at the Harbour

Yesterday I was mostly enjoying opera.

I woke up horribly early and then had hostly duties to perform (we had a very interesting woman staying, as well as 2 Spanish volleyball players).   By about 10.30 I was back at my desk trying to finish off the talk I was to give at 6.00pm, "A Close Shave: the Barber of Seville and the French Revolution".  Although I had written 3/4 of it and had got most of my slides together I still couldn't quite tie it all up... also I hadn't really written it beautifully, because I was hoping to be a bit spontaneous... eventually, after sketching out a description of what happened on the first night - which was funny - I suddenly had an idea for a paragraph which would tie everything together.

I then had a couple of hours, so I had a bath and a 15 minute nap.  It was magnificent, I had got into bed feeling confused and still scratchy from yesterday - and woke up feeling almost a new person - talking about "knitting up the ravelled sleeve of care!".  M and I went down to the theatre, I was set up, had a glass of wine (some very nasty provencale chardonnay unfortunately) we switched on the overture - to get me into the mood... and off I went.  This year I had quite a large audience - about 30 which was enormous.  I got through it - not always audible because I forgot to get a mike - but apparently there was lots of interesting stuff.  I was happy to see Eyvor and Michael and Rick and Kate in front, but on the other hand, it was slightly unnerving to be lecturing one's friends... however, a great many people were there who I didn't know - so that was OK too.  Later I discovered another friend had been there - fortunately the lighting prevented me seeing much of the audience.

Afterwards we went down to the front and Gina found us some concealed spare chairs and we sat down.  It was a little chilly but we sat there cheerfully.  There was a Pimm's and beer tent, but we opted for sharing a box of fish and chips and some water (trying to cut back the drink) and while we were sitting there I scanned the crowds and recognised various people.  It's a funny thing about the "square" people - the little sets that establish because they live in the same square or lawn - they are consistently fairly middle class and comfortably off, they consume the arts rather than making it - and they sit in groups. When I first lived here I felt I belonged with those people - they didn't share my vision.  I now feel that I definitely have very little in common with them.  I definitely like people who are rather more rackety and intellectual/creative - not that there aren't racketty/intelligent people living in the squares, but they tend to be not part of those groups.  I remember dear Paul C talking with asperity about the set in his particular square... unfair that they are still sitting there drinking Pimm's out of plastic cups, when he's gently decaying (actually, heaven probably is more fun than a chilly night at the opera!).

I found that even during the opera I was still casting around the crowd, noting who was there and what they were doing.  I realised that this experience of the opera was a much more authentic one - it was probably like being in an Italian provincial opera house in the 18thC - seeing and been seen - less like sitting at Covent Garden or ENO - but being amongst one's friends and neighbours and gossiping and observing.  "He's here - but his wife hasn't come" - "Where's _____, he's usually mad for this sort of thing?" "Oh, they've brought their children - that's nice."

The performance itself was suitably spirited, with a very good Figaro - and a slightly less good Count - Rosina's voice was on the shrill end of the soprano spectrum... but for these "boutique" operas acting often counts for more.  The accompaniment was on piano keyboard - which obviously makes it cheaper, but I suppose I've always found the orchestra one of the deep joys of opera - and being at Covent Garden and listening to a familiar overture as the curtain rises has often provided a dose of what used to be called "the tingle factor".   Still, one was close to the action - especially when we all had to move our seats forward, because the radio mikes weren't working - and also when Figaro sang "largo al factotum" around the audience.  It is true the opera does slightly wind down before the end - the beginning has much of the best music - but the acting helped keep it fun.  Somehow sharing a cultural experience with a lot of people you know, rather than an auditorium full of strangers is just a much better experience.  

I hate everyone

Well, I don't , only a certain select handful of people.  I simply adore some other people.  I have drink taken - chiefly as antidote to other people's bad behaviour... I could have spent the evening chatting to chums - but I was "on duty" - and suffering the weird experience of seeing people behaving irrationally badly - and irrationally well.   And seeing really quite sensible grown up people reduced to rage by bad behaviour, and for once thinking that Ned - who is usually a tad on the volatile side,  might have been right when he described someone as a "psychopath".

I should be dancing in the streets - there is so much to celebrate - my stint at the UpDown Gallery is OVER. I don't know why that should be such a cause of rejoicing, but it is.   I have observed some very erratic behaviour... I make allowances, people are tired, stressed, and so on.  Yet, one sees a dynamic that one doesn't feel at all comfortable with... we have been riven assunder as a group by a couple of very driven, very desperate people who have been unnecessarily nasty to us, whose superficial charm covers some very disagreeable behaviour.  I have seen a room full of really upset teenagers - almost frightened by the verbal criticism.  No one should have to put up with that.  These kids had done nothing wrong, apart from fail to observe some weird, made up on the hoof protocols that no one had told them about, largely because the people who made them up had only just decided to implement them.   Arrrrrgggghhhh.   I hope I won't have to confront these people - but there may be a point at which I will have to defend the kids and their work and efforts against the forces of market capitalism... or whatever it is that this delightful couple stand for.

Facebook despair

I think I need to block a few more people on Fb - there are so many squabbling types, and lots of unpleasantness when one goes on there.  Instead of feeling cheered and surrounded by cheery acquaintances, one becomes privy to everyone's sniping, envious nastiness.  Perhaps I am guilty of it too... don't think so, normally keep that sort of thing to myself!

Have just withdrawn from one group because of people slagging off a friend of mine, someone who does rather more good for the place than them.  Easy to criticise, but if a couple of other people put in the unpaid hours she does, then we might really see some changes here.  It is depressing, because if we don't work together and spend all our time sniping at other people - then we are actually undoing the good that is being done.  There is a grand tradition here of people not wanting to work together or collaborate - they are hyper-individualistic and want to do their "own thing" - and be in charge.  I suppose since I work on my own most of the time and don't have to collaborate, I don't mind doing collaboration/team work in my spare time... but not every creative/artists seems to share this idea.  Depressing.

I suppose the "despair" aspect is that I don't really want to see human nastiness so clearly displayed.  I dislike people being unkind, and as soon as I think that I wonder if I have been guilty of being unkind recently - about the slightly annnoying colleague... But the fact is that on the whole, the bitterness and nastiness that I'm complaining about is perhaps a reflection of people's disappointments and disillusions. It's hard to keep going, to find new meaningful projects, when one isn't succeeding - and other people around one seem to be more successful.  Perhaps what I don't like seeing on FB is a reflection of my own less agreeable self. 

What the stars foretell

Having ranted on about astrology, I must do a "scientific" test.  So - the major transits - according to my chart - i.e. personal to me, the hour of my birth (and a few thousand others born at the same time) which are coming up are as follows:

Pluto trine Mars: ends December 2013 Great feats, energy, drive for success, influence over others, making tremendous efforts to succeed and working very hard; this will re-build my self-confidence and enable me to believe in myself again

Have certainly been working fairly hard... and making efforts to succeed.  The transit does not suggest one will succeed however. Self-belief was doing OK - but have had several massive blips of despair.  These predictions (from the astrodienst website) don't bother about which houses the transits effect - perhaps because it doesn't matter - but given that Pluto is in 2nd/3rd house (money, possession, communications,siblings, cousins, local travel) and Mars is in 7th (partnerships) one would expect to see some sort of progress there.  But maybe the houses and their rulerships matter less (this wouldn't surprise me). 

Neptune trine Neptune: ends January 2014 (also Neptune trine Ascendant)  Greater empathy, sensitivity to others, compassion, sympathy.  An attraction to mysticism - increased idealism. Willingless to support others for no return...  Tending to idealise people, the need to escape to an inner world, also reflecting on one's own inadequacies.  A teacher or influential person may enter your life

Actually, I have been very supportive - but usually support not wanted, I have had sympathy for those I previously thought rather tough.  I have also had less and less time for really annoying irritating people and have had little empathy for them.  I don't think I've idealised people much - feet of clay have been appearing everywhere - escape to an inner world?  I do that all the time.  No gurus so far... Neptune in 4th house - trine Neptune in 1st - suggests personal stuff and domestic stuff - fair enough.  Don't think I've been idealising the family - support for no return just about sums up the housewife's lot (but M has been v. good recently).

Most of these are transits that are nearly over; the only one just starting (Jupiter sextile Mars) that could be subjected to some sort of scrutiny is this one.  I am putting it here in full so that I can pick it over when it ends in March. I have highlighted the more positive bits - which I would particularly like to be true.  We will see.

This is a time of high energy and independent initiative. You feel very self-confident and capable of tackling almost anything within reason. It is a good time to start a project, and most activities that you take up now should have a successful outcome. However, you must take some positive action in order to get the most out of this influence. It brings you opportunities, but you have to pick them up. However, this should not be much of a problem because this influence usually makes you feel like taking action.

You are unusually clear now about what you intend to do in any situation. Your will is strong, and you aim at achieving certain very definite goals. You can act decisively and with conviction. Under an influence like this you can convince other people of your point of view and get them to follow your lead. In fact, this is an unusually good time for working with other people because you can get others to identify their interests with yours.

Everything you do is aimed at enlarging your sphere of interests. You do not act out of petty motives, always having high-minded and high-level goals in mind. Others will respect your obvious integrity, which will make them more willing to help you.

If you have to go to a court of law at this time, the proceedings should turn out to your benefit. In fact, the chances are that you will be able to work out a compromise that will be advantageous to both parties.

Professional success is likely at this time, because of your excellent sense of timing and your ability to take advantage of every opportunity that comes along. You should be able to advance yourself without alienating others. They will recognize that your success is well deserved.

I hope I won't have to go to court - I am not sure about convincing other people of my point of view, but it would be nice if I could persuade agents and publishers that The Romantic Feminist was a novel they really wanted to publish.   The only problem is how to remember to check this prediction in March.  But no doubt I will be too busy fending off admirers, gurus and others to be maintaining a blog.  Jupiter is in 9th, Mars in 7th - again suggesting publishing/partnerships ... it's another of these "if not now, when?" transits - which seem to perfectly reflect things happening in your life... but don't necessarily predict a great outcome.  We shall see.

The question is...
Why favour one transit over another - why not highlight Uranus sextile Venus - surprising lurve opportunities? Or Uranus trine Saturn - which sounds potentially exciting to me... I've got Saturn in 2nd house (money) - so that might suggesting positive surprises/opportunities in that area.  There are a whole lot of transits going on...Saturn opp Mars might be a bummer... especially with Mars in 7th house - but no one's highlighted that one.  Oh dear, if I carry on like this, I may find myself persuading myself to do it myself - a bit more carefully.  The object of this exercise was to give up astrology - not do it harder.  Perhaps what I should simply do is give up Susan Miller

Astrology - a denunciation

I have always been interested in astrology - but it was something I renounced not long after Ned was born - I was persuaded by the more ardently Christian members of the family that it was the "devil's work" - and I ought to have faith in God.  So I obeyed this - sold my expensive astrology books to second hand bookshops - I made about £60 from this - nearly 20 years ago, and actually disposed of one of them in a bin in Burgess Park (or did I just dream that?)

The fateful events of 2009 drove me back to astrology in a big way - and I felt my choice was vindicated as I consulted ephemeris charts, found that Uranus was heavily implicated in the turns of events that year.  I thought that much of my "madness/love/delusion/creativity" that year was due to Neptune - things seemed to fit.  Unfortunately it was not enough to be aware, I came to lean on it - and expect things from it.  After my mother's death there was a crisis - partly because I had "predicted" her death that autumn - and I extricated myself a little - took a more objective view.

Then I became a follower of the dreaded Susan Miller.  Having previously dealt with my own chart and transits - and found them helpful, if not particularly exciting, I was suddenly dragged into a wildly optimistic monthly outlook - which usually, around this stage in the month began to look increasingly ludicrous.  This coincided with a point at which everything seemed to be coming up nettles - so I became fairly desperate for something to lighten the atmosphere.  The lure was that she made everything sound as if this was going to be the time when the tide turned.

A few nights ago I decided I would give it up.  (Until the September horoscope comes out).  I felt it was feeding expectations and adding to depression (see blog passim.).  It seemed to me that very few of the transits that were meant to be helpful were any help at all - Jupiter could do what it liked, nothing it did seemed to benefit me.  I watched our domestic/financial situation go from bad to worse, while the skies beamed upon me and told me I was living through a fortunate phase... God save me from the predictions of disaster.

And yet... underlying the perky chat from S Miller, there was a sense that some things were allied with the stars - the need for hard work and resilience - the underlying gloom engendered by Pluto-Uranus square, (my 3rd and 5th houses at odds might explain why communication, creativity and family matters are not going well).  And now, waking at 4 am and feeling the need to write this - while the Full Moon shines down.  Some sort of ending, some sort of crisis.  Having said all this, what difference will it make?  Well, I have deleted a number of files - but I can't help hoping that the  Jupiter sextile Mars  transit will have a positive effect.

Am I an idiot?
Well, yes, in scientific rationalist terms I am an idiot - I don't mind being a fool for Christ - but being a fool for a transit of Saturn is ludicrous. On the other hand, I would have to be in complete denial if I didn't notice that there had been certain correlations at significant times in my life with planetary activity.  Yes, I know... there isn't a direct "effect" - it's simply that the positions seem to reflect what's happening - not cause it.  And if you see a particular pattern coming up - you can anticipate certain conditions.  But the problem is not in our stars, but that we follow them, or believe in them too much.   I would still love to believe in the Jupiter/Mars transit - but I am fed up with disappointments.  And because of that, I will be reading my September horoscopes as usual, and wondering whether new moons will bring opportunities etc. and trying very hard to bury my hopes under several buckets of salty realism.

More Staycation

On Sunday 11th August we went to Cobham Hall near Gravesend - it was an amazing house, rather scuffed around the edges...as it is a commercial girls' school most of the time.  There was an affable but rather dithery guide - got a few fab facts wrong - I made allowances for his age, but it was a bit boring.

Before that we went to St James's Church Cooling, which gave Dickens some inspiration for Great Expectations - rather less atmospheric than I had hoped - no longer at the edge of the sea, it is now surrounded by a few suburban houses, a very nice village hall and some polytunnels.  There is a distant prospect of the Canvey Island refinery... we thought it very fine.

The "holiday" continues

After our weird visit to Cobham Hall last Sunday M wrote to them suggesting some improvements to their tourist "offer" - instead of being offended they noticed the letters after his name and invited him to come in for a chat about how to spend their Heritage Lottery Fund grant... wow!  So that was one strange and positive thing.

Wednesday was a good day.  I finally swam and enjoyed it, and lay on the beach and read The Barber of Seville as part of my attempt to immerse myself briefly in Beaumarchais... then we had a small lunch at Miles' Bar...and sitting in the sun with a glass of wine is the holiday feeling in miniature so that was it.

Thursday was a less good day - the car not unexpectedly failed its MoT test - and needs £300ish worth of parts, and the washing machine also went into a coma...this precipitated another depressive crisis - weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth and on Friday impassioned emails to various chums to make appointments to use their washing machines... so things improved after that.  I took washing to Anna's on Friday, on Saturday another load was done at Kirstie's while she fed me Pimm's, oatcakes, cheese and rhubarb chutney.   This was at the end of an oddly exhausting day - we went around some of the open studios - one friend's, the others people I didn't know. It was fun and interesting, the houses all as interesting as the work almost.  We eschewed certain houses - brightly coloured flummery doesn't interest me greatly.

One of the artists Brian Bushell paints death and decay - and waves.  He uses a really limited palette and lots of impasto... very effective - there was a particularly striking crucifixion, which I'd love to have.  He said that colour distracts people from the subject - makes them look in a more shallow way.  I've been to his house before - it's a wonderful house, which I very much want, because it has a 100 foot garden that goes down to the abbey.  Just the kind of garden they would love to build on.

Mike's pottery studio was amazing in quite a different way.  He had shelves and shelves of stuff - we bought a vase for M's mother - and a butter dish stamped with elephants on it for ourselves and an irresistible green dish because I loved it - this did not represent a vast expense, I think these are the first "things" we've bought for ourselves for ages.  I did buy a book recently - but that was for my talk - Beaumarchais' Figaro plays.

We had a long trek over to the "other side" - ie the Far EastCliff - which is getting the gentrification treatment too - the Farrow & Ballistas have arrived with their lichen and verdigris front doors and their acid etched glass.  Very tasteful.  (Just jealous).   After the last studio I rather ran out of energy - went home and had a nap, and a bath and fell asleep in the bath... then up for laundry and Pimms, back home for a quick shout at everyone "Where is my phone charger?  Who asked you to take it out of the socket I left it in?  Does it not occur to you I may have left it there for a reason?"  And out again, with another load of washing to supper with Anna's, gorged on lentil and mango salad and a couple of bottle of organic rose and the trusty ginger beer... came home at one, slept until 5 and then could not get back to sleep.  So today was a rather low-key affair - but I did a bit of gardening and so on, otherwise there was resting, writing, editing and so on.  Not unsatisfying,.  Even doing a bit of editing on TRF makes me feel I'm not totally wasted my day.  Am delighted that I have managed to prune back about 1300 superfluous words - writers are told to "show not tell" - in quite a lot of places I've done both... so it's good to cut.   In case anyone wonders, these blog pieces are scandalously unedited, I type 'em, read 'em through and post 'em - no messing!

Staycation 2013

OK - given that I am not working much - apart from on the festival - I am going to try and see the pleasant activities I have indulged in as a holiday.

Despite living by the sea, I have still not been to swim properly - and to get a real sense of "holiday" I need to get away from Thanet.    So last week I went to Deal with Finn... and we shared a sandwich and some garlic bread in the Bohemian.   On Thursday I went to Sandwich with Mark - and we ate lunch at the No Name Bistro - which consisted of a number of platters of charcuterie - which weren't bad, but not wonderful either.  I liked the fact they sold wine by the pichet and it was cheap, but it was fairly bland wine.  We then went to see the Guildhall Museum - which is truly one of the most inane museums I have ever visited (and in this area there's a good deal of choice).  It is tiny, and they have managed to make Sandwich's rather interesting history extremely dull.  In a sense a museum is a sort of 3-D book - but this was more of a postcard really.

Yesterday, a Saturday, we went, at Mark's desire to see a Roman display at Dover Castle.  There was a tremendous turnout - cars parked on the next hill in a vast field.  There was some fairly lack-lustre gladiatorial combat - in which the crowd all predictably gave the thumbs down to the vanquished gladiators... plus ca change!  Then there was about 50 minutes of seeing the Ermine St Guard (a group of Roman re-enactors) going through various Roman military drills etc.  I learned a lot and it was quite pleasant, but I am so sorry that joy and delight seem to evade me.

It occurred to me that this would be a good day to visit a pub at St Margaret's Bay called The Coastguard.  It is almost on the beach and we were able to sit outside.  I had heard the pub had very good food.  I don't remember who told me that, but it isn't true.  The usual ding-food whitebait and twice-cooked chips that tasted bland and unpotatoey... my prawns were fairly tasteless - watery and full of roe, maybe there's a connection.  So glad I only had half a pint, not the whole thing.  The greek salad was an outrage.

Today's holiday treat is to drive to Gravesend and see a house that is only open 3 times a year, so that could be fun.  But I suppose what I am questioning is "why am I now enjoying this?"  I mean I quite enjoyed yesterday, it was nice to go to St. M's even if it was a bit dull.  I wonder if I am suppressing  my feelings for some reason.  And in fact I know that I am, I have successfully suppressed thoughts of the LO, which is really excellent, because they are really unhelpful.  But now I feel as if I am on anti-depressants, a bit numb, a bit underwhelmed by things.  I know that if I suddennly had the money to fly to Rome or Madrid or somewhere new I would be stimulated and excited, so perhaps all I am talking about here is boredom.  Oh dear, who said only the boring are bored?  But I feel, much as I love Ramsgate, that I have extracted a lot of the juice from this area.

Despondency

When one is subjected to repeated buffetings by life, one gets used to it - one rides with it most of the time - until the 27th Wave - or whatever the magical wave is - that somehow pulls you under and half drowns you and leaves you attempting rise from beneath it and scramble back up the beach.

So the 27th Wave - or agent's rejection email arrived today.  Clearly I just need to get back on the horse and so on, and not be thrown by it.  At first I just ignored it, but as the evening wore on I thought "when? why?" "how" can/will I be published again?  Is it really so dire? No, I've read much worse books by well liked authors, is it really my lack of contacts?  My failure to have studied a creative writing course?  Or chummed up with the Granta boys?  Why do badly written books by idiots get published?  Because agents and publishers will take a punt on them because they feel safe with them.   And then I go back to the matter of personal taste... assuming they've read the first few pages, these are people who don't like the way I write, and nothing will endear me to them - even if I were writing about rap and crack addicts and the latest technology.  So it isn't my age or anything like that.  I am arguing with myself, because I do not like to cry unecessarily.  I am beginning to feel "it's unfair!".  Other people are getting their place in the sun, their lucky breaks - so how about mine?

Never mind, nice things happen too.  Stops, scratches head and tries to remember: well, today I went to Deal and sat in the sun with Finn and talked about smoking and drugs and other matters of mutual interest.  He has been fairly good about the film course in Deal - it's his "holiday" basically.  I really hope he enjoys it and it leads somewhere.

And this is leading me back to the question - why is my work not leading me anywhere?  Is it the lack of a sub-plot?  Is it the complex language?  Is it some bizarre fault in me that I just can't quite see?   Or is it because I am living in God's time and the kairos is still a bit of a way off.  It is made all the more frustrating by the fact that I have virtually no time to work on the other book at the moment.  At least if I were making progress with that I'd feel things were looking up.  Not sure how to get out of the Slough of Despond and on the road to the Maidenhead of Endeavour...

Susan Miller's forecasts - July

She means well, she means so well, but she is doing us a disservice.

July was an extremely difficult month for me, starting with the argument with my mother in law on 30th June, followed by a week or so of preparations for the funeral in which she continued to have go's at us in various ways.  The funeral itself (12th) was fine, but afterwards I  became progressively more exhausted and by 19th July was wishing I wasn't here (or anywhere) any more and going to the doctor to see if I could have anti-depressants again. I worked hard on submissions, and managed abour 4.  As the month closed I was under incredible pressure with the work involving the Open Exhibition.  I felt angry, stressed, horrible.  I saw friends but nothing really seemed to reach me - occasionally an evening of booze and chat relieved the tension.   It was hot and beautiful, but I never made it to the beach.  I was indoors on the laptop.  I was submitting the novel, and not being able to write the other one.  I realised what I needed to do to the other one, but I also realised I couldn't start doing it now, so a frustrating time creatively too.


A bloody awful month, so it is just as well I didn't believe Susan Miller's prediction - for Scorpio, my ascendant, she said  A wonderful month ahead.   After 9th July money improves - well, we had a couple of extra students, but no new work, and on 22nd the boiler broke down (£300) and we had to be bailed out by my father.

From 8th July we were under the "golden triangle" which should have been especially fantastic because it was conjunct my ascendant - and Mars was in it too... it would be hard to find any way in which the last few weeks have been full of golden opportunities for me (apart from the submissions) - although Mark has actually been finding new potential sources of funding.  17th-19th  Peak of Golden Triangle - this will be a marvellous month for fun and love and you could find someone new in your life.... well, maybe I've rediscovered Mark's virtues...

My actual Sun sign horoscope was more accurate, it stressed that it would be a hardworking month.  It was, but I was not working hard for money, or for my own satisfaction, but on keeping other people happy... looking after the students, supporting the loathesome Stella, supporting Anna T (a bit) and then sorting out the open exhibition.  The only period when I was working for myself (potentially for money) was the period when I was doing submissions (15th-19th).  Apparently the work is going to continue until October - oh great!  Will I ever manage to write again?

Warm glow continues...computer allergy

It must be hormonal - I am still feeling good, I went out to Anna G's last night, and even though I drank another bottle of wine, I still feel good this morning.  Again, conversation and laughter has a great effect on things.  But I'd had a pretty agreeable day with Mark too - despite lack of funds (down to £5 in the bank account until Tuesday, and no credit cards!)  And in fact rescue came, in the form of a BnB guest whose £50 will be in the bank on Monday - so we have sailed close to the wind, but just made it.  Might have enough money to go out and buy some double cream for this evening's meal...

The only fly in the ointment, apart from the almost predictable fiscal meltdown - was my eyes. I have been doing an enormous amount of data in-putting and checking stuff on the imputer... and my eyes began to feel weary and watery.  Yesterday sitting on Margate Harbour in the sun, we were also in the teeth of a howling (but warm) gale, one of my eyes began to water so badly that I thought I had repeated my awful scratched cornea experience.  By the time we got into the Turner it was unbearable - nothing seemed to make it better, although light seemed to make it worse.  I went and sat down in the reading area.  I couldn't read, because I'd left my specs somewhere - so I sat - apparently weeping - amongst the books.  Walking back to the car I felt almost disorientated - the journey home was agony.  But I knew that what I needed to do was rinse my eye out and lie down.   I did this, snoozed for 10 mins or so, and my eye felt better.  So, force of habit, I went and sat at the computer and began looking at a couple of websites.   Soon it began to feel worse again.  And the other eye began to water.  So I repeated the process and had another snooze... got up feeling nervously better.   Didn't touch the computer and went to Anna's feeling a bit fragile and bloodshot and made a full recovery.

I would like to say it's all over, but as I type this my left eye is beginning to itch and water again.  Am I developing some sort of computer-generated ailment!  Will this be the last blog...? Watch this space.

A warm glow & Family culture

Well - I am trying to work out why... can it be alcohol?  Could it be 3 or 4 hours of hard and interesting talk with people... can it be the general bonhomie engendered by being in the UpDown Gallery with lots of pleasant free wine circulating.  Is it the fact that I managed to finish all the bumf about the Open Studios - er, well, what...?   The truth is that I am full of love and compassion for everyone.... even dear Mark, who does give good chat when we go out.  The fact that people love meeting archaeologists and are interested in what they do is great.

When we came home we found Finn hanging around outside the house.  We didn't have our phones so he couldn't call us, but we found him in time, went in, sat and had coffee and drinks with him and chatted pleasantly.  We were all 3 of us rather drunk.  But it was a jolly, amenable time.

I had an insight into poor old Ned, he always feels slightly in the wrong.  I think it's because he's got an inherited tendency to certain characteristics, and these characteristics are at odds with the prevailing "culture" in our family.  Which leads on to questions of why the culture is at odds with our temperament and the answer is, to some extent because I set the culture, but it's a culture Mark approves of, and Mark is at pains to conform to it - Finn fits it easily because he's temperamentally similar to me, but Ned naturally wants to rebel against it - because he must rebel against something, but finds himself rebelling against something fundamentally agreeable - so he is made to feel in the wrong a great deal.  I don't wish it to be like this, but it did provide me with a great idea about how families work.  It feeds the work.... But the problem is  for Ned, not feeling he quite fits, makes him feel unloved and everything.  I hope he doesn't feel, as some children do, that he doesn't "belong" - but then again, I often felt I didn't "belong" as a child.  It's not an exceptional way to feel, but perhaps that feeling of not belonging makes one (as adopted children often are) very keen to stamp your own pattern on your family when you create one.