Car-free is carefree?

That used to be a slogan Car-free is carefree and carefree is by Bus! that one saw on - Buses!

Well, I am about to re-discover the truth of that.  Yesterday when we went for our healthy walk in the Stodmarsh nature reserve (chief excitement - flights of greylag greese) - there was trouble with the car and we had to stop in a layby near the airport and call the RAC.   Sadly the head gasket is gone.  Even more sadly, we don't have the £946 estimated cost of repairs.  So we are parking it outside the house until we have the money to repair it.

This means I will have to do all the shopping on foot.... or by bus with an attendant child.  And that all leisure trips will have to be cancelled.   Our weekend trip to my father's for bonfire night will require a hire car... but £41 for the week end is affordable - just. 

Obviously we will be saving enormously on petrol (about £80-100 a month) - so that's something.  Perhaps if I put it aside in the savings we could repair the car by next August.

There is something terribly symbolic about not having a car, it puts one in the ranks of the uber-poor... I woke up worrying about it this morning, now I don't have to.  God knows when we will get it back.  M says he saw a Citroen estate for £600 on the side of the road... I don't think buying a new crock is the answer.   I feel rather as if everything we have is being stripped away - are we being taught a lesson?  I think we learned years ago about credit cards, we just couldn't get out of the habit.   Even now, I find myself thinking "well we could use the credit card" before I remember that we don't have one.  Perhaps once I have lost that knee-jerk thought we will be felt by the cosmic powers to have learned our lesson. 

At the moment we have about £150 in the bank, £400 in savings and a payment for £2,700 coming in on Wednesday.   And an awful lot of equity in the house that we can't use. We could try and sell and move somewhere smaller - but not in this market really.  M is going to sell a reasonably valuable old camera... damn, why couldn't we have been saved by the Iznik tile - but both Christies and Sotheby's think it's a 19thC replacement tile, made to restore a gap in a pattern.  Interesting really, perhaps more interesting - but not very valuable.   Actually, if you think of it, much more interesting, since it was a one-off - and it's been done well.  Not as mass-produced - or at least more individual than the proper ones.

If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

The Author vs. the Content

I just heard someone I knew talking on the radio: in fact he was doing "prayer for the day" - no doubt this is just a start - he'll be doing "Thought for the Day" on the Today programme (note to foreign readers: this is the 3-minute religious spot that occurs on the UK's most significant early morning news programme).  The thing is about this guy is that he sounds terribly convincing.  I was following what he said before I recognised him - and I thought "that's an interesting way of looking at it {Hallowe'en] - perhaps I should change my views".  It occurred to me that the change I would make to my views would make my life easier in some ways... and then I realised that it was Him - and I realised where this view came from.  I immediately felt that it was all a bit of a "snare and a delusion" - so I unthought it.

Actually, a few years ago, I felt envy towards this guy - he had a relatively smooth path to ordination - his worldliness didn't seem an obstacle - his PR skills were probably beneficial.  I was jealous that he'd achieved something I'd also wanted.  I don't have those feelings towards him now.   HOWEVER.... I do know something about his character and ability to deal with difficult situations, his care for others (or lack of it)... and this is why anything I hear him say on the radio - unless it has a ring of emotional truth and comes from personal experience - I cannot take without fitting to what I know about him - and as a result, I can't take his reasonable sounding pronouncements very seriously, because I know more about his character.

Now I have always felt that understanding the author didn't always feed one's understanding of the work.  I think finding out what a selfish git James Joyce was didn't really change my pleasure in reading Ulysses etc.  I definitely think of them as separate.  I know a lot about Virginia Woolf that I don't much like - but re-reading Mrs Dalloway recently was a great treat - and made me admire her more.

Now, this isn't the same.  Someone whose character I know, is making moral pronouncements - I know some of his shortcomings - so does that mean I needn't take any notice of what he says?  I have plenty of shortcomings, and I've never let that get in the way of providing an opinion on a moral question.  Actually I think it just means, that if I know someone is speaking out of their own shortcomings, then one doesn't listen to them.  Unfortunately, one can't know the shortcomings of all the persuasive speakers one hears - which makes it more difficult to judge what they say.    And of course everything they say is appealing to different aspects of one's nature - so one has to judge whether they are appealing to a good or bad part of one's nature, before being swayed by them.

This was meant to be a blog about Halloween, but perhaps I'll leave that until it has happened - no doubt trick and treaters will be out in the next few hours.

The People vs. St. Paul's Cathedral

I suppose many bloggers are frustrated op-ed writers - I'm a frustrated everything I try at the moment, but that's an altro discorso.  Anyway, having listened to various views about the St Paul's Cathedral encampment, I feel waves of familiarity sweeping over me.... I even heard GP - my former fellow church member in London asking about the 'St. P's affair from a PR point of view.    I think bad PR is probably the worst of it - ironically, it's not what they are doing, but how it looks that concerns the Church.  Great.

Probably, in 80% of other cathedrals across the land they would have accommodated the encampment and engaged with the protesters, brought them soup and gradually made them see that the CoE had its hipper elements.   But because it was St Paul's - and the Establishment, and the rather conservative Diocese of London, they couldn't think about it properly, as Christians, instead they thought about it as a nuisance to be cleared.   I was a bit puzzled.   Why couldn't they make an agreement with the protesters to clear a path in the middle of the steps, so people could get up and down easily - they might even have agreed to a low barrier to remind people not to crowd the area too much.  I don't believe the protesters would have had a problem with that.  Then all the services, tourists, weddings and valuable revenues could have continued to flow in without a problem.

I was slightly surprised that the revenues were only £16,000 per day - the caff, the gift shop and the expensive entrance fee... perhaps they didn't find as many visitors coming as one might expect.  Or perhaps, like me, people would sneak in for evensong for free... and dawdle sightseeing on the way out. 

Health & Safety is becoming such an old chestnut.   When the Cathedral chapter blamed H&S I felt an inward sigh.  It had the ring of truth - I know those pusillanimous types from past experience on Parochial Church Councils, and Deanery Synods.  It is a shield for the timorous, the unadventurous and the plain idle, to protect them from having to be active or imaginative... I remember all those people who said it would be "too dangerous" to distribute Millennium Candles in the parish, in case people burned their houses down.    Just such attitudes, writ on a larger scale, probably informed the Dean & Chapter's deliberations, coupled of course with their broadly establishment attitudes.

The latest thing is this "shelving" of the St Paul's Institute report about the ethics of the City of London - well, maybe it is simply postponed, but it sounds like it has been kicked into the long grass (as everyone likes to say).   And now - mirabile dictu the Bishop has said he is afraid of "violence" - why?  There hasn't been any so far - if they involve the police of course, that will no doubt result in some - answer: don't bring in the police.   And the idea that the Cathedral will offer "a public debate" on the issues in exchange for the Occupy the City crowd dispersing... well, gosh, that sounds an immensely reasonable exchange.   If there was somewhere to send my CoE membership back to, I think I would.   Generation of wimps!

Labyrinthitis bore

It continues - it is now Wednesday evening, I've had it for 5 days - I've been on Stematil - which has controlled the psychotic side effects (depression, anxiety, mania...) but hasn't stopped everything swooping around me every time I nod my head too emphatically, or turn over in bed, or raise my head from the pillow.

I managed quite well yesterday - got up, managed the house (i.e. gave orders to the rest of the family) oversaw working parties, and even did some cleaning and cooking (courgette quiche and pasta e fagioli for lunch - roast chicken and veg, chocolate mousse for supper).  Finn's friend A came, with his nice father M - and we had quite a jolly time.  I like M because he loves Ramsgate and I feel a terrible parochial pride - when he said today he didn't think Margate was as nice as Ramsgate I had an appalling moment of chauvinistic delight!  So much for my idea of "joined-up Thanet".  

It was sunny but chilly - we had the urge to get hugelich (nice Danish word) in honour of M so while he was conducting a business conference call in the sitting room, Mark and I cracked open a bottle of 10 year old Glenmorangie and drank it out of heavy crystal tumblers while I supervised the supper - and then felt we were briefly on Planet Agreeable...

Today of course, given the tricksy nature of the virus, I felt completely &*£@! again, much worse than yesterday, so I spent most of the day in bed.  In the morning I took notes on Vera Brittain's Testament of Youth which had lots of interesting stuff about gas gangrene and delirium (side effect of septicaemia I presume).  In the afternoon, once we had said goodbye to M & A, I read the whole of Private Eye - but was too dopey and ailey to laugh.

Ned told me a one-liner yesterday  "My wife made chocolate mousse once - I nearly choked on an antler."
The only thing that made me laugh a lot today was the final frames of the Simpsons: grandpa (having retired from bullfighting and liberated all the bulls) and Lisa are sitting in chairs supported by helium balloons and floating above Springfield.  Suddenly two bulls, with balloons attached to their horns and tails drift up to join them menace them.  I think it's something to do with the way the animators draw the bulls - and the suggestion their huge horns will burst the balloons....

Trivia - but this has been a day for it - and yet, I felt completely happy doing my research - looking at the Western Front - seeing diagrams, and staring at maps to complement my understanding of VB's time at Etaples (how does one do accents on this?).  Having been to Etaples really helped - I must sort out a time to go and research Gaga's RAMC unit at the Imperial War Museum Library - or just look at the RAMC website...there's a museum/library too I think.

How Long!???

This blood-soaked virus is continuing - all sorts of new phenomena - just when I thought I was getting better, going out etc. it zapped me with viral labyrinthitis - which meant I had to spend most of the weekend in bed - only going out to the doctor for an emergency prescription on Sunday - what fun!   I woke up this morning thinking it would be over - cautiously raised my head and was rewarded by the room rocking wildly, an incipient headache and a wave of nausea.   I have now been ill for 3 weeks and one day.  Tomorrow we have visitors.   I was well enough to get up and make bread, cook supper and do some washing up this afternoon, so I think I am getting better - just have to hold my head very level - which is no doubt jolly good for my posture.

Diet note: since I have been in bed/ailing I have been furiously hungry - weird - but have also lost about 3 lbs - despite lack of exercise - and eating all sorts of "unsuitable" foods - e.g Irish apple bread, porridge with goldensyrup, and even a chocolate croissant today.  Perhaps my new Book of Proverbs diet is working....

And now Ghadaffi..

...or however it's spelled.  Once again the world is seeing scenes of jubilation at someone's death.  There is something rather hideous about this - however tyrannical the dead person was.  I often sense with older people a satisfaction when someone else has died - as if by surviving them they have somehow won.  There is some sort of atavistic satisfaction about the death of a rival - so obviously the death of an enemy is even more satisfactory.  I am taking the John Donne - "as not for whom the bell tolls" view...

Of course Ghadaffi was a horror - although he was quite a personable looking bloke when younger - which is neither here nor there of course.  Strangely nutty - his regime was hideous for many ordinary Libyans - but was it, in terms of foreign affairs so dreadful?  He sold arms to unpleasant groups - so do we, he made disagreeable diplomatic relationships, so do we; he "sponsored terrorism" - we support unelected dictators from time to time.    Now everyone is calling for an enquiry into how he was killed - was it "fair"? in some way.   I suppose he should have been  brought to trial - but we've had this conversation over and over...about Osama - about all sorts of situations, and it's a bit boring - we know really that realpolitik will triumph and bleating about how Ghaddaffi should have been put on trial is just a waste of time.  

A nice liberal man (John Kampfner) is saying we shouldn't assume that different cultures have different norms of justice.... well, that shows how much he knows about human societies.  We see him down here a lot, he's the Chair of the Turner - a bit awkward, and a bit of twit.  Editors of the New Statesman often seem to have rather bland, slightly gutless liberal politics: I suppose it goes with the territory - having a full-blooded socialist in that role wouldn't do at all.  Mind you, it's probably years since he was its editor - I stopped reading it years ago - I occasionally buy it at Christmas!  What a treat - or is it a penitential act?

Back to Schmoozin'

I went to a networking event yesterday.  It was surprisingly good - I met several people who were interested in the free marketing advice... very nice.  More people took my card than gave me theirs - and people removed it from the pile I left on the table.  So.... perhaps something will come of this.  I was also asked to do a quick PR for a conference - so hope that will happen.  It's only a tiny bit of money, but it's something.

No sign of S - I saw another S last night - and told her what was happening with the business - she said she thought S had a tendency to disappear for long periods and not be available - and she also said she assumed that S had a job and that HH was just something on the side.... if that were the case I wouldn't be so annoyed.   Actually, it made me laugh - because I thought it does rather show that other people have noticed her lack of committment, so it's not just me.

It will be interesting to see whether the prospect of some work will do anything to reel her in, but if she does have other work that she isn't telling me about then perhaps it will finally force her to admit this.

Meanwhile, the Thanetarium is becoming a reality - but we do need to sort out a lot of things - like a bank account, and so on.   We have several potential "free" advertisers for the dummy - and some writing available. 

Normal service

...may be resumed eventually.  This bloody virus is proceeding apace.  I had a really good day yesterday - we had C&K to lunch with their children and it went very well.  So nice to talk properly - C was saying how difficult it was to get some people to discuss anything - she thought it might be because of the PC thing - that people were afraid of offending other people.  There's some truth in that - but I wonder if we've taken to the PC ideology amongst the middle class DFL set more because it reflect an innate English dislike of too much intense conversation etc.

On of the teachers at CC Primary was telling the children about Creation - which happened 6,000 years ago, and that there was a time when dinosaurs and humans roamed the planet.... arrrgh.  It amazes me that when finally faced with something undeniable (the existence of dinosaurs) Creationists accommodate the inconvenient fact in a completely fanciful, untrue way.  I don't know where magna est veritas et praevelabit comes from, but the Bible does have a line about the truth shall make you free - clearly they would rather live with an akward lie, which I find very shocking.

I think I haven't been writing because I worked solidly on Thanetarium - and that was very satisfying.  N has done a piece for it too - so hope we can encourage him and give him a bit of a heave-ho into journalism in the longer run.

The Distraction continues - Liam Fox

I am enjoying a spot of light Schadenfreude now over Liam Fox.  He is a revoltingly far-right person, I have always found him dodgy in his presentation of anything - used to be a health spokesman - didn't like him then.  Now everyone is sniffing around - he has a close friend - is it a case of cherchez l'homme?  Surely it is a money scandal - no one is quite sure, but everyone is sniffing - because he is clearly lying about things.  There is this odd little story about how he was burgled and the fact that he had a guest staying in the house was concealed.   Why - is it because Tory Party Central Office knows he's gay and was covering up for him.   When he says "I don't have a sexual relationship with Werrity" one immediately supplies the word "now".  

There's nothing wrong with being gay, but perhaps he's so right wing he thinks there is.  After all he's a married man - I wonder whether he has children - I've noticed a lot of these beard marriages are often childless - then again his "long-time girlfriend" was 37 when they married, so it may be an issue.  On the other hand, if she was his "long-time girlfriend" why didn't they marry sooner if they intended to have children?   But that's just a theory of mine and there may be all sorts of reasons.  He does have an odd track record on gay mattes. 

Tonight's discovery that actually, rather thanbeing his partner - Werrity is a chum who was subsidised to trot around with him, to help him keep to his right-wing ideology and policies - is interesting.   It's about lobbying - having presumed, like most of the media it was either about money or sex, it is, unusually for politics - about power!  Or rather, influence. 

Anyway, the great thing is, it has taken our minds off the unemployment figures - now at their highest since the last Tory government.  And apparently the North-east of England is the worst hit - so much for those efforts to "even out" the economy in the regions.

Wrote my first copy for the dummy issue of the Thanetarium... fun, but I think the business plan is more important.

Ah-ha! I'm beginning to understand

For some time I've felt that S, my business partner was not exactly pulling her weight, she had not been initiating anything, or doing anything for a long time, and had been reluctant to meet, or generally create any momentum in "the business" at all.  I was feeling grumpy and cross about this, and thinking, well maybe it's my paranoia, perhaps she's just busy, but at the same time my nasty forensic talents were questioning this, thinking that the many excuses she made for what she was doing instead of getting on with business were getting increasingly pathetic, and realising that if she thought this was a business, she wasn't treating it like one - and a couple of weeks ago when she said she had a social event to go to rather than going to network at the food festival, I really felt it was the last straw.

When I began this blog I called it SchmoozySchlepper because that was how I jokingly described what we were doing... anyone who reads it will see that there has been precious little of either for some time, apart from my sterling efforts for Ramsgate Arts.  I needed a partner because I needed someone to pull me along when I felt apathetic and uncertain - now I feel I have been doing all the pulling - and if I felt apathetic/uncertain no one else took up the challenge.  I guess I misjudged her, I thought she was a bit more dynamic and pro-active than she was; I think I also thought she was a bit more experienced in the marketing world than she was - obviously she's put in the years - but I wonder at what sort of level exactly.  It now appears that she has lost interest in the whole project and is unwilling to put any more energy into it. I don't think I'm wrong - some of this maybe my fault for giving her "permission" to get a job some time ago, but what I feel annoyed about is that she doesn't seem to have the guts to tell me what she's up to, or to address the issue at all.  I tried to raise the "lack of enthusiasm" last time we met - about 3 weeks ago - but she didn't bite.  I'm sure she's up to something.

At least I am beginning to feel a bit more confident about the direction I should be taking - there's no reason I shouldn't carry on the business to the best of my abilities, and if I get work, that's great and if not, not.  And  can get on with the Magazne idea...and the books.  What would be amusing is if the whole thing took off like a rocket once she'd dropped out - but I think we can safely consign that to the realms of fanstasy.

The next question is, shall  re-write The Romantic Feminist in 3rd person - or shall  I carry on sending it around.   Maybe one last effort - send it to [I've removed this name for reasons of paranoia]- and then see what happens.   At the moment my urge is to do the re-write - because it will be enjoyable.

A distraction from the Economy

One would not be so distressed by the economic news if one's own circumstances were more comfortable.  There is so much at present, which makes one anxious when one has only £250 in the bank and no credit.  Fortunately, a probably rather minor scandal has blown up concerning the unlikeable Defence Minister Liam Fox, which is leading the news items, and distracting me from worrying about whether the economy is heading for a 1930s style depression - or what?

Mark is feeling very worried, he has virtually no work in the pipeline - and thinks Architectural Archaeology is "over".  I'm sure he's wrong - but the lack of developer-related work is really distressing.  I have faith that something will turn up.  But the trouble with Mark is that he will not sign on if he has no work.  We will have to get a student, but that's hardly going to keep us going.    Gosh - to think I thought we might be able to have a holiday a few weeks ago.

The only thing that might help is the Iznik tile - when MC suggested we could sell it and that it could be valuable last week I was a bit sceptical - I now wonder if it is the only thing between us and penury.   I'd be surprised if it is that valuable, because it has been broken in 4 and repaired, then again it is a rare 16th/17thC artefact - presumably there's a market for them, perhaps from the Middle East (which is suffering a bit less of a slump?).

Things have been difficult before, but the combination of the lack of potential earnings and the very low level in the bank account is a bit scarey. 

We went to a very nice party last night - it was Kai's 40th birthday - I gave him a jar of apple and verbena jelly!  We only stayed an hour or so as my virus was still going.  But it was nice to see Sue and Kit and Robert and Jane and Jackie - who I didn't really talk to,. but Mark did - apparently Christies are always looking for people to teach architecture to their MA students.  I was not aware that Christie's was an educational institution as well!  We will probably be approaching them about the tile shortly (in fact the sooner the better).

I'd better pick the quinces today and make more jelly - that will be my contribution - a vast quantity to give as presents.  Actually, the first batch I made - 3 large quinces, weighing a kilo, resulted in 3 very small pots of jelly - but it is a very firm jelly - so maybe a runnier mix would be a larger quantity.

I think chutneys and pickles are the way to go now - could make some more of the marrow pickle, which was surprisingly delicious.  Then I have a supply of small birthday type offerings for people - and I'd better make a supply of birthday cards as well.   As for Christmas....

Dark Energy - and whether science as objective as it pretends to be

Dark Energy - the subject of last night's Horizon doc (actually, I think it was a repeat, I dimly remember some of the info from before).  There was a wonderful cosmologist on it last night who said she didn't like teaching about the inflation theory of the universe - but it was the only way to make the standard model work. 

There was a lot of talk about the Standard Model of how the universe developed, and the problem, which I did not of course understand, was that the Galaxies were behaving in a way not predicted by the mathematics... no one says "is the mathematics wrong?" "are the assumptions wrong?" instead they make up a new theory which explains everything, because obviously the maths and the work to date can't be wrong, can they? (tell that to Newton). 

I understand - slightly - those people I used to meet who were doing PhD theses on testing inconsistencies in the Standard Model.... because the whole purpose of cosmology is to understand the universe's creation and development, but a great deal of it seems devoted to upholding existing theoretical work - which is fair, except that it seems that there might be a bias towards the Standard Model, and therefore, arguably a slight bias against the truth.  Anyway, Dark Matter exists to explain the Standard Model - and no one can see it, or touch it, it's just that the presumed emptiness of space is not quite as thoroughly empty as previously thought - and then the other thing that ruins the SM is some other mathematical problem, that can only be explained away by Dark Energy.   And as the marvellous woman cosmologist said "What is Dark Energy?  I don't know, but I wish it would go away!"  Another cosmologist said "Dark Energy is just another name for ignorance."  

That sounded right to me - I think when cosmology goes into an almost entirely metaphysical place, then we need to stop taking notice of it.  We need to get some idea of what is actually known and what is a theory, because quite often wild theory is being presented as fact.  Everyone thinks Dark Energy exists - when it's actually just a metaphor.  The recent discovery that possibly some particles moved faster than light might point to the idea that not only do we not know "nearly everything" but we may not even have the tools to discover it, because "it" is probably rather more complex than we think.

It you look at the Ptolomean idea of the universe it is a very simple one - we are on earth, and above us are layer upon layer of spheres, the closest being the sub-lunary sphere (believed to be full of demons), and so on until we get out, beyond, to God!   I suspect that our idea of the universe at present compares to the reality, as well as Ptolomey's model, compares to our current state of knowledge.

I was somewhat outraged a few years ago, when Stephen Hawkin implied we were pretty much there - the whole "touching the mind of God" bit.  There is so much we don't know and may in fact never know.  But humankind cannot accept much uncertainty.

Seahorses

This seems like a tiny piece of good news in the unrelieved gloom of the news - a colony of short-snouted seahorses is breeding in the River Thames near Grenwich... so the river must be a lot cleaner - and it's a rare breed too.  It may signify some degree of global warming, but seahorses are such delightful creatures that it's rather cheering to think of them bumping about in the admittedly rather murky looking waters of the tidal river.   Who knows, perhaps there are more breeding off Ramsgate.  Why can't we have an aquarium here?  An ideal use for the Victoria Pavilion?

Children and Dope

Interesting confession from F this afternoon.  Not spontaneous, but a dread of discovery urged him to confess.  Apparently a couple of weeks ago when he went around to hang out with his friends on the beach etc. they group of them had clubbed together to buy some dope.  A child (T) bought it from another child (J) who apparently bought it from a dealer - his parents apparently still smoke and so on.... they went down and smoked on the Eastcliff Beach apparently - he said it made him feel happy and that he would like to do it again.  Arrrrgh.... I would like him to wait a bit longer, he's not quite 14 - in fact, he's 13.  But I expected he would be younger than N when he tried it - because Chatham is the sort of school where there's plenty of it knocking about.... 

I feel as if I ought to punish him in some way - but what can I do really?  I point out that his brain is still forming, and that he should not use it for that reason.  I forgot to say that it was illegal - but he might remember that after his encounter with the sniffer dog at Victoria Station.

On one level, F is a terrible tearaway - who does what he wants and gets into endless scrapes - and then can't understand why he's getting so many detentions.  On the other hand, he's a very sincere, decent child - if somewhat selfish, so it's hard to punish him when he owns up., even though he artfully blames "peer pressure" and N's example.  "I wouldn't have, if he hadn't."

Which brings me to the last issue, during this day of revelry T's parents discovered that their home safe (containing £200) was down to £9.  T's mamma thinks "they" stole it, "they" think T's brother has been taking it little by little for a while.  What kind of people have a home safe for heaven's sake?   Anyway, if no one owns up, T's mother will be on the phone to tell us all about the dope... which will be a little bit awkward.

Resurgam!

Well, I am resurrecting a bit - I got dressed today, and went out.   It was a beautiful day - the perfect autumn day, very sunny and windy - so everything was blue and golden and the sea was looking active, without being dramatic.  I went to Margate and sat for an hour or so guarding an exhibition.  It didn't need much guarding, since only one person came in.  But she was very appreciative and said "Why didn't they show this at the Turner" - since it was about The Kiss which has just taken up residence there.  I sat and chatted about digital publishing with one of the IsleWriter group who had put on the show and kindly allowed me to put my kiss piece in there... I read everyone else's piece carefully - and thought that my decision not to belong to a local writing group was broadly correct. 

Now I am trying to make decisions about writing.   My gut feeling is that I should plough on with Conscience because of its commercial potential... and perhaps shelve The Romantic Feminist until I have time to consider whether to re-write in 3rd person or not.  I would like to reply to Helenka Fugelwicz - but I expect agents don't wish to be hassled after they've finished with you.

I am also having another bit of angst about the "business".  As far as I can tell, S has put no effort into it for ages, and I am just thoroughly pissed off with the whole thing.  She doesn't seem to be engaged - she has ideas, but not much initiative... odd.  What would make me really happy is just to drop it - and to drop the marketing exercise we are desultorily involved in at present and just write Conscience fulltime until Christmas.  Unfortunately, that leaves the issue of The Thanetian to be dealt with...which would be time consuming - but seems to be a "good thing" could be complementary with writing - but I will need to make some money out of it, at least £500 per month - more would of course be better.  I fear that despite my SchmoozySchlepper soubriquet I am often happiest when I am not doing those things.   Or rather, what I am saying is this,

Much of my life is about coping with frustrations, and now I want to liberate myself from the frustrations.  I am doing this in various different ways. Firstly, I have jettisoned the diet and taken the advice in Ecclesiastes to eat your food with gladness and drink your wine with a joyful heart.   So far I have lost a kilo or so, I have also bought myself a striped t-shirt with horizontal stripes, it looks great.  I have eschewed them for years! In the past I have thought I should bear up and persist with the frustration - now I think unless the frustration is leading to something better, I should drop it.  This is very liberating, and I feel much happier.

I have not written anything on Consience this week - the first few days were busy with social stuff, and the rest of the week busy with being ill and off colour - but I am nearly back on form.  Thank goodness it hasn't lasted 2 weeks like the famous April 2009 cold.

A trivial point on eating: cutting out white flour/oats seems a good thing, although I can get away with white flour if I don't drink wine as well, the combination seems to make me unbelievably dopey.

Raging virus plus literary anxiety....

Well - they always make you feel as if you are on your last legs.  Don't know how long this one will last, but it seems likely I will be missing a lot of fun stuff this week.  I have already missed the Kissed Off launch today - went to the doctor's instead.  I haven't been this ill since the virus I got at the end of April 2009.  It was in that fevered state that I wrote the first draft of the novel formerly called A Formative Year - now called The Romantic Feminist.   This book - which has much to recommend it - has now been rejected by a sixth agent.  I am not distraught, but I did have a feeling that that particular agent might be a good bet.  Never mind.  She thinks there are too many layers of introspection, and first person stuff.  First person novels are very "out" at the moment - it isn't all 1st person of course - but usually the feedback I've had from agents has been unhelpful - or not the sort of thing I agree with, i.e. that I should try to write more like Jodie Picoult. In this case the critique is something that has worried me slightly too. The question is - shall I do a re-write in 1st person, remove some of the extra introspection? 

I could try.

The Turner - finally!

Victoria Pomeroy can sleep easily now - the new exhibition at the Turner is absolutely great, so good that I will have to go back and see it again.  It's called "nothing in the world but youth" and is absorbing - as well as having some good works by relatively well known artists - Hockney's We two boys together clinging and quite a bit of Peter Blake.  I went around with Finn - he doesn't like Peter Blake.  

There were also some new Turners there - some frankly wonky ones of local scenes (Minster and Margate) - but they were done when he was 9 so we can excuse that I think!

The thing I most enjoyed - probably - was a really silly installation of young people in Indonesia etc. doing karaoke versions of Smiths' songs.  Hysterical, touching, full of pathos really.  You can read their desire to be adult, groovy, engaged, their fantasy of what this means. 

On Tuesday Rodin's Kiss is arriving at the Turner - and a writing exhibition Kissed Off will be on at the Marine Studios - moving to the Harbour Arm.  I have a tiny extract from my novel in it... that's the previous novel - now re-named The Romantic Feminist.     Oh gawd - I must be ill, I really don't even feel like writing any more...

Grrrrr - sotto voce

I was expecting a visit from my friend V - with whom I intended to hang out for a couple of happy days and relax and hear about her new work, her blogging ideas and so on and so forth... but yesterday I felt ill.  M kindly told me it was an allergic reaction to smoking (passively).  I pointed out that during my life I had passively smoked far more than last night without any immediate effect.  He does like to grumble about things like this, and I suspected what he was really complaining about was my friendship with R and A (the smokers); then my stomach became very uncomfortable and painful - I was coughinh and my throat was sore in a raspy way - and in an unusual place.   When I woke up at about 4.30am I realised I had lost my voice and that I needed a day in bed.  Actually what I need is a day working on Conscience - but perhaps I'll get it now.