At the Cinema

Our local cinema is generally considered a bit of a flea pit - it was once a theatre and still hosts theatrical productions.  There was one on there tonight, as a result the bar was open and a more cheerful air pervaded the place.  In winter it can be chilly and damp, but it's atmospheric, because it's on a cliff above the sea, so on a wild night it's quite fun.

Tonight we went to see The World's End - a Simon Pegg film with a cast of some of the usual suspects - and a great script.  I don't always like these films, but for some reason, perhaps because we'd already had a nice drink with Clare at supper, I found it terrifically funny and laughed all the way through.  I especially liked it when the mystical light was speaking to our hero at the end - and he said "Shut up you big lamp!" don't know why it made my laugh so much,.

What was extraordinary, on a Wednesday night in downtown Ramsgate was that the cinema was virtually full of people - wow!  Perhaps it was the £4 tickets - or perhaps it's Orange Wednesdays.  Or maybe the Granville is on the up.  It seemed cleaner and brighter - perhaps they are having some ideas.

Ch-ch-ch-anges

This is not a new revelation, but I am putting it here as an aide memoire.... ultimately if I want to change my life I have to change myself.  I thought in the last few years I had put in plenty of changing self type activity.  But clearly more is needed.

It is hard to see exactly what one needs to do, one is so mired in oneself.  I know "should work harder" "could do better" type comments, but I need to see some more concrete way to achieve this.  One thing I need to deal with is getting angry with myself.  I need to stop procrastinating - so much that I cannot actually do anything else.   I mean all the time I spend trying to drown out the voices which say "get on with it, do it now!"  I waste time, because I don't do the thing I urgently need to do - or because I don't have time to do it all, therefore I wait until I have enough hours to do it (tax return springs to mind).  So... how do I get over that?   And dealing with all the anger that's directed at myself - how can I stop that?  How can I deal with things so I don't get angry with myself for not dealing with them. 

Guilt and pleasure

I always feel guilty when I eat out - I nearly always have, ever since the first fatal meal at Camden Lock when I was in my first year at university and had an unexpected bit of extra funding - I was horrified to discover that one could spend £12 on a meal, which involved a glass of kir, some wine and 3 courses of really nice food.  I felt "this meal could have been sold and given to the poor" or something like that.   In the last few years, when our finances have become so dire, one of the few just affordable pleasures is the occasional (very, very occasional) meal out.  And today, having a surprise present from my father burning a hole in my pocket, we went out.  (Don't worry, the mortgage payment is covered this month).

At first we went with no particular intention, we just wanted to go "out", away - escape from the open prison that is Thanet in the summer (this is our 4th summer with no holiday away, so I think we may be forgiven for going stir crazy a little).  Eventually it emerged that we didn't want to go to Canterbury - I suggested we just drive in an aimless way and see what we came across - what we came across was a rather nice gastro-pub - it wasn't a complete accident! I knew it was there, but we discovered it wasn't set up for bar snacks, and the lunch menu was very delicious looking - and so on....

So we ate fantastic terrine de tete, sauce gribiche, roast lamb, smooth hound with samphire, and cheese, a modest amount of drink and coffee... It was utterly delicious and I remembered that sauce gribiche was rather a good thing which I'd forgotten about for some years.  It cost slightly more than a day return on the Channel Tunnel (which we can't do anyway, as our passports have run out).  We talked about our respective books and felt very relaxed and cheerful.  Is £70 a lot to spend to buy that?  We are both so tired, and miserable, and struggling - are we "worth it"? And what else should we do - I suppose we could have used the money to buy one of us a passport - it would have been a small contribution to our debts, we could have put it towards the mortgage arrears.  But sometimes, even when the sun shines, life is still terribly grey and miserable - and £70 bought me a feeling of who I used to be, a sense of something more ample than everyday life and an agreeable feeling of being something more than a drudge.

We then had a beautiful drive home through fantastic sunny countryside, fields of wheat, deep woodlands, banks of rose bay willow herb.  I felt happy, nostalgic and thought about the LO (drat him!).  I really ought to be feeling guilty about that, perhaps the guilt I feel about a restaurant meal is transferred guilt about the LO - should not be thinking about him when enjoying a nice time with pleasant, interesting husband.

Summer time...

It has been lovely - I haven't exactly enjoyed it - although there were several moments yesterday outside Miles's bar in the sun when I felt that summer feeling.   But the living is not easy. of course not...

So far we have had 2 Kazak students, a spanish student, our two chinese students are going tomorrow (hurray - sorry, they have been hard work...) and Jaime has been here for 2 weeks, no one is coming until next week - then we have a Ukrainian for another fortnight... and there have been some other visitors.

I'm exhausted, and it isn't getting any better.  Today has been a "bitty" day.  I haven't been blogging because I frankly have nothing of interest to say - arguably that's often the case, but I usually manage to say it charmingly.  I have read a couple of books, done some domestic work, a bit of gardening, a lot of cooking (tonight's offering, sourdough garlic bread, lasagne, caponata, green salad, followed by ice cream with mint chocolate sauce (handy way of using up old After 8s from Christmas!)  I had a nice time yesterday with the family at the bar, and got sunburned.  I had a jolly time in the shop where I was described as "the kindest person I've ever met " by a woman who must truly (if we exclude hyperbole) have had a hard life if this was indeed the case, and I have been slowly doing bits for the festival...

What did I do today?  Bits.... a lot of talking to our guest, nice, but time-consuming.

The real problem is that I am in a great hurry to finish the re-write of Consc,. but realise now that it will be too thin, needs a sub-plot.  First I fretted about the sub-plot - hoped I'd dream one up - but then realised I should do the thing I have been thinking of writing.... which will be discussed in the Only Writing Blog in due course.   I feel a bit conflicted, there is a part of me that just wants to get this book out and about touring agents, and there is a bit of me that feels if I did  my sub-plot I would make it a far far better book - so what's not to like?  But the thought of all that work.... but if I am serious, then I really must make it as good as I possibly can.  I am just balking at a major re-write - but when I consider how much re-writing I've done on TRF...

I have had a lovely social time in the last few days - seeing lots of chums, and that has been wonderful.  The trouble is I am not actually "on holiday" and part of me is very keen to write, therefore I feel restless, and don't quite enjoy it as much as I should.  On the other hand, circumstances make this difficult.  Perhaps I should have a reading week - to absorb information and ideas for a fortnight or so, plus, I have to write my talk on Beaumarchais - at which I now wonder at my temerity.  Still, we love a bit of light cultural history.

Now the hot weather is broken - it began early this week with thunderstorms and we have another tonight - I love thunder storms - why?  Excitement I suppose.  An intensity.  I feel ludicrously as if I am love - but dear M isn't inspiring this feeling, so is the LO just a default for this, a receptacle for these feelings?  His reality is different.

After the storm...

Well, I woke up feeling better, but I still feel physically exhausted for some reason.  I couldn't hack walking to the Turner - so having nearly got there we walked back again.  I went to see Denise and had a good chat with her, and that made me feel a lot better.  I drank a good deal today, about a bottle - which is more than I've been drinking recently - indeed in the week before Edward's funeral I drank almost nothing.

Today I was torn between thinking it would help and that it would make me more depressed.  Finn kindly offered me some dope... not sure if that's the answer, don't really like skunk.  I began to go a bit down hill in the early evening - uncharacteristically overwhelmed by having to make pizza for 7 people - but it all worked out in the end...think I'll have cold pizza for breakfast tomorrow.  I am not feeling brilliant, but I do not currently want to kill myself...so that's a bit of a result.

This morning M attempted to console me about my novel and said it "needed something" towards the end.  I then read him the two major scenes that change the book - and noticed that one of them was a bit repetitive - and that both of them made him laugh in places.  So that's good.  He said I had got the man's viewpoint very well - the wriggling out of things, the not thinking far enough ahead, not taking the woman's needs into consideration.  So that was gratifying too.  Perhaps I will find an agent soon.

When I feel like this....

I've been down, but now I seem to be at my lowest... Suicide is always the last thing on my mind, I always say "I want to see how it ends" - but just now, as far as I am concerned it can go to hell... they can all survive without me, they will have to not have me holding up the sky for them.   Of course I'm not suicidal, just incredibly angry that life is being such an utter bugger, that my ideas of life's "ups and downs" seem to have erred on the side of the positive or over-optimistic - and the rollercoaster seems to be racing for the bottom.

There hasn't been a sudden shock, like divorce or bereavement - sad though it was to lose Ed - and in some ways our financial problems have temporarily slightly eased up - so why now?  The mysteries of depression.  I started crying in the Belgian Bar at lunch time - I don't know why.  It wasn't the latest blow - that some one wanted us to reduce our invoice by £1,000 - I felt calm enough about that.  It's only money after all.  I went and got a short notice appointment with the GP.  He said he wouldn't prescribe anything, wanted to do a thyroid test on me (why?) and to get me some counselling - I cried in his consulting room, he passed me the tissues.  He was very nice, he's a good doctor that one.

It's a bit like the depression I had last month over the advertising - almost exactly the same dates of the month too - residual hormones? I tried to talk to Mark about it, how I felt he never noticed me, or anything about me. He said it was because I had pushed him away so much in the last few years.   I said I thought things were getting better - he started to talk about himself and how he felt.  I said he would never know how I felt if he always talked about himself.  He asked me if James was always sympathetic.  I honestly can't remember - but I never had these real deep sort of depressions when I was with him.  Afterwards, yes - and the beginnings of feeling low - but nothing like this.  Is this the same depression as the 2010 one? Or a separate one?  I suppose it derives from the same circumstances - money, relationship problems, feeling unloved, by M and the boys to a great extent.  And the lack of success with the book is peculiarly awful.  I know rationally that it still has a chance of finding an agent, that it may well find one imminently - but there is just this awful fear that all this work and time and energy will have been wasted - no, not wasted, the conventional wisdom tells us "nothing is wasted" especially if one is involved in some sort of creative activity - but it doesn't stop me from feeling like screaming and shouting and curling into a ball and crying and completely freaking out.

What he says is unfair - we are together a great deal - in the kitchen, at meal times, in the evenings, we went out for a drink today - we have been in the car driving places together.  We spend considerably more time together than most couples because we both work from home. I "push him away" because I'm trying to work, I could just as rationally accuse him of trying to sabotage my work.  He doesn't notice because he doesn't notice, or he doesn't comment because he wants to avoid trouble.  So we return to the eternal (well, long-standing) question: is that it then?  Is this my quota of happiness for this life? Will things ever get better?  Would I be better off emotionally out of this relationship - either with someone else or alone... The trouble is he misjudges thing badly - he accused me of having been "influenced by" A's depression.  I was really cross - she's bi-polar, heavily medicated and almost supine.  I've got "exogenous" depression - and I'm getting up and getting on with things despite it - just crying when I begin to feel too horribly sorry for myself.  But I found it really hurtful that he felt I was somehow not authentically, individually depressed, but apparently following some weird girlie fashion for it.

I think this is the first time I've recognised how angry I feel when I'm depressed: maybe I'm making progress.

Submissions to agents...

Islam means submission to God's will... and there's something about the Islamic prostration about sending one's hard written, hard edited, hard considered work into agents.  There is a format, a right way to do it, and I am finding it harder and harder to follow the code and send a "sensible" letter in.  How can I say an agent represents the kind of writers I admire when I haven't even heard of half of them?  If I wanted to choose an agent by those criteria I would try Cardoc King or someone so superstunningly successful that they do not accept submissions...

Today has been dispiriting - I looked through my long list of agents, to try and find ones to whom I could submit electronically.  I discovered that my list (taken from the current W&A yearbook and which has already sifted out people who don't deal with my sort of work) is still full of drongos who don;t apparently even have a website.  Is this the sensible way to go about things?  Should I just write to them?  Or not bother because they are "too small" - then there are other agencies who say they are interested in literary fiction but apparently only tend writers who are writing MOR fiction - or thrillers.    Ultimately, when you take out those who are too grand, those who are too pathetic, and those who clearly wouldn't want to market your work, the number of UK agents I have not yet contacted is looking alarming - yes, there are still dozens, but I am feeling rather nervous. Will I run out of agents?  And then just start again with Vol 1 of Conscience?  Oh well, perhaps that's what will happen.   Meanwhile I am preparing to have multi copies of the first 50pp printed and hope for the best.  Of course, someone could ask tomorrow for a full read - which would save me some money!

Facebook Etiquette 2 - I dislike what you say....

...but I will defend to the death your right to say it.  That was a jolly useful bon mot of Voltaire's that we used to chant mindlessly at school, waving our copies of the Little Green Book of liberalism....

My latest FB ethical bind is this: you post a status, and someone comments - and then a bit later they post a status saying how infuriating they find it when people say what you said in your status... which you can obviously see since they are your "friend".... Do you (a) rise above it gracefully, (b) think, "I wondered whether I should have accepted the friend request of one so green in judgement (c) think "if he finds my comments upsetting, I shall quietly de-friend him, for both our sakes (d) write a rude comment on his status and start a row.

Being an irritable but not especially confrontational person, I opted for (c).  I am now racked with misery thinking he might be upset - if he ever finds out, but since I am one of 500, I don't suppose he'll notice.
I am not particularly attacking this person, but generally wondering about free speech - and how one's opinions are often unpalatable to others.  We all have to grow up and accept that there is a spectrum of interests going on out there, which we may dislike.

There is a delicate balance going on all the time.  FB friends are not (quite often) actually your friends. I have met all but 1 of my FB friends, but there are several I have had very little to do with.  There are quite a lot of close friends there as well.  So I tend to talk freely on FB, because I feel I am talking to my friends.... and forget about the others who have only met the smiley, agreeable social me, and are unfamiliar with the black-hearted cynical political version.  So these people are naturally shocked to hear my unfettered (and I think fairly uncontroversial opinions) because they don't know me well enough to understand why I hold them.

Then there is the political balance - I may be too left wing or something for some, while others find me a crusty old feminist, ie reactionary - I can imagine what would happen if I expressed certain well founded radical feminist opinions from the 70s... I would be torn to shreds by transgendered vegan Bacchae!  And now I am beginning to sound like Auberon Waugh (talking of lost opinions from the 70s)..   .

So the lesson is - FB is not your sitting room.  Not only should you not enter threads that are antipathetic to you and sow dissension, you should not even express an opinion... Because, however much they use the word, many of your FB Friends are not actually Friends - they are social simulacra.   Just keep on with the pictures of flowers, kittens and sunsets, and risk the occasional joke or cartoon and everyone will love you.

It's obvious really, but why has it taken me so long to understand?  I suppose it's because I have such diverse chums on FB - there are religious ones, new Agey ones, environmental ones, lefty ones, anti-airport ones, animal rights campaigners, cyclists, arty ones, equal marriage fanatics, and I am used to having their emphatic opinions, prayers, campaigns and petitions in my  News feed every day.  I suppose some people don't have quite such diverse friendships - and therefore dislike hearing opinions they don't agree with.  I find it hard to agree with everything, but it doesn't matter, it's still interesting to get a sense of where people's mental boundaries are..

Should I try to re-model my FB friends into a salon of intimes?  Oh no, it's way too late for that.  Talk to your friends?  Try the telephone?  Alternatively, I know some very nice bars....

Tired...What do women want?

So why write, why not just curl up in bed?  Dunno really - just the need to be, to feel, to sense something was done or created today.  It wasn't a bad day, I had my hair done, had a long talk with my hair friend Marion - chiefly about the friend who introduced us and is going through an incredible down - clearly her medication which she's been on for 20 odd years is out of balance.  Had a nice lunch together in a cafe in a craft centre in the middle of the countryside beyond Sittingborne... a feast of reason and a flow of soul indeed, and all this on one glass of Biddenden Ortega.... But the last few days post funeral have been tiring - the "lovely trip" to Hampton Court Flower show was exhausting - as walking more than 4 miles in 30 degree heat tends to be - even when interspersed with sit downs and cool drinks... I don't like floral trade shows, it was v. sweet of A to get me a ticket, but liking plants and gardens is not the same as liking flower shows, and she was in a desperate state, and required a lot of common sense to counter it - and she was not able to listen to it.

In the scheme of things, which is worse, to be a  depressive for 20 plus years, or to have a more critical sudden condition like cancer?  I don't know, but it's easier to deal with people who aren't bi-polar, since not everything they say is the product of complex emotional states which they don't have much insight about.  A wouldn't really be up for a talking cure at the moment - even if she were interested in it, which she's not....so, on with the cocktail - the chemical cosh.  There are times when her thinking seems truly deranged - or demented.  It is so sad.  We feel impatient with her, because objectively her life is about 200% better than it was 2-3 years ago.  She is no longer a carer since her father is no longer ill, he's dead, and her mother is in a home, not living with her winding her up, her youngest son who was also very ill with OCD has got a job and found a flat... my God, if my life had improved like that in the last few years I would be skipping about full of the joys - or at least doing my equivalent.  But poor old A is just not up to any kind of enjoyment, cannot cope, is seething with anxiety - and apparently becoming increasingly helpless.   This is the woman who is jittery with anxiety because she has booked two holidays this year and doesn't know what to pack.  For f's sake - it's the Med, in summer, you're 56 - what did you pack the last 30 times you did that?  Well, pack it again!

I am pleased with the hair - and I enjoyed my time with Marion...but I am just so tired.  I cannot believe that if my life improved by 200% that I would not be feeling considerably more cheerful than A.What would my life feel like if it were 200% better?  200% more money would be nice - although that wouldn't be an absolutely massive income it would be closer to a living wage.  200% more creativity and productivity would be excellent - 200% more emotional fulfillment - or do I mean love?  Hmmm.  Actually, since 3 of her problems were solved her life is 300% better - and if we were talking about 300% more money that would be really quite decent.  But 300% more emotional engagement - how would we measure that exactly, and 300% of what?  There have been small steps towards improvements I suppose it's futile to expect a great improvement.


What do Women Want?
...is a new book that has come out by Daniel Berger, whom I heard speaking on Woman's Hour this morning.  Apparently what we want is variety, excitement and not to feel repulsed by our husbands.... Apparently men are far more loyal and faithful and less likely to roam.  I think I ought to read it - I am thinking of writing a really anti-romantic novel some time in the not too distant.  Love is a very mysterious beast - and its comings and goings seem quite unpredictable.  It is unbiddable? - love that one ought to feel, ie spousal love, cannot be ordered to be present, if it goes, it goes.  Does it come back?  Is it driven out temporarily and will hang around and plot a chance to return. Who knows?  And if this is the case, why bother to even consider starting again. I've spent a lot of my life arming myself against disappointment, maybe I've finally succeeded in becoming less vulnerable. 

Anger abates

Yesterday was my father in law's funeral.  It "all went very well" - despite the rendition of My Way, and the organist playing For all the Saints at a funereal pace.  I think it ought to be more sprightly.

Mark spoke about his father, which was very good, and Ned read a few verses from the Song of Songs, Flora read To His Coy Mistress - emphasising it was about seizing life and enjoying it to the full... Eventually, at the reception, after a few glasses of wine I saw my mother in law, who was standing nearby, and felt moved to give her a hug.
"Are we all right now?" she said
"More or less" I said smiling.

I now feel mystified at why and how I was so angry.  I have been thinking and praying about it for days, and still don't quite "get it".  When we were driving to the funeral I found myself thinking some absurd, new Agey thought about "making anger your friend".  Part of me feels I need to get rid of this anger, but I know it is so deep-rooted and tied to situations (rejection by my mother) that can never be undone, that I wonder if this is a practical project.  I don't really want to spend the next 30 or 40 years failing at something. I have wondered about the Christian healing/deliverance thing - dealing with it that way.  But I'm not sure - what do I dread?  I dread going there and reliving my emotions and crying and so on, and praying with people who I don't feel comfortable with, whose theology is so different from mine.   But my theology, my branch doesn't really have an outlet for this sort of thing - except spiritual direction/therapy - and I did find my sessions with Liz very helpful, but I doubt whether I can afford to do it, or find anyone around here.  Unless I can go to Minster and get some help there.

Anger and hatred

So, if I can't beat the anger - how can I use it?  I know it can make me more creative, a good articulate rant... but it can also make me eat too much.  Use it for writing I suppose.  But making it a friend?  It's a part of myself, my identity, a lot of people sense it in me, are a little scared by it at times.  But yet it's nothing - an emotion that holds one for a while, and then drops you.  Usually I am quick tempered, a quick snap and then back into place.  In other circumstances I am slow to anger, burying it and hiding it for a long time until it overflows its prison and explodes - spraying everything with shards of hatred.  Is hatred the inevitable product of anger - what is the relationship between them, which comes first?  I think the anger - hatred is sometimes independent of anger, but prolonged, unassuaged anger can create hatred.  Or is it just resentment?   I don't regard myself as someone who hates generally, but I certainly felt I hated S for the last 2 weeks - and now I don't.

I've always felt hatred was not possible unless you'd loved someone - but there's more to it than that.  I suspect I need to have a long hard look at this anger - and try and sort it out a bit.  I do not wish to hate anyone, but....there have been a number of recent times when I've had to question why I feel so intensely furious with certain people.  Is this just middle-aged disappointmen?  Or some alignment of the stars?  

Novenas

Recently I have been invited to participate in a couple of novenas related to illness.  At first I was a bit wary of them, because the first one was also part of a campaign to obtain cannonisation for a couple of people - i.e. say the novena, he gets healed, they have a miracle to their credit and go on to the next stage....   I am rather cynical about canonisation, who gets canonised and who does not.  I suspect there are plenty of people living lives of "heroic virtue" who don't have quite the same popular following as JP2 or that ghastly Opus Dei man, there is a political element in them.  Odds are if enough nuns carry around enough scraps of JP2's garments one of them will recover from an illness sooner or later.  And of course, someone must have had the foresight to divide his garments into useful miraculous portions too.  This may not happen to the quietly heroic parish priest who fights off the temptations of drink, sex and anything else and serves his people wholeheartedly and dies a solitary death with dementia in an old priests' home...  

However, the first novena was remarkably successful, it achieved its very specific and limited aim.  The current one is hedging its bets, asking for healing, but also comfort and being a good example (suggesting healing may not happen).  I guess that's the sort of theology I understand - wanting to pray for what's in God's will... but accepting that it might be different from what you and your dearly beloveds want.  Different from the militant "claiming" that goes on in some quarters of my family!

At some point last week, just before I got the novena request, and before I talked to Tara (my Catholic ally),  I had the idea that the best way of tackling the ever difficult Mark question was.... to do a novena.  Not say a prayer everyday, but to spend a little time praying and reading the bible (opened at random) for 9 days.  When this novena started things were at the low state that readers of this blog will have noticed.  His father had just died and I didn't think this was the time to start talking about divorce, yet - yet - So I began to pray and read, and at first I felt it was OVER - but as the 9 days went on, I began to see more and more of his good qualities, his humour, his sensitivity - and of course, his encyclopaedic knowledge of me!  There was even a bit of tentative .... so while I am still in a right old two and eight about things generally, the marital relationship has warmed considerably, and I no longer wish to leave him.  We had a discussion about divorce and I listened to myself and thought "I don't believe I'm actually saying this to him."  Still, I think it was curiously helpful - if it is the unspoken fear - to be clear about it - not as a threat, just as a possibility.

Tara introduced me to the Memorare - a prayer to the BVM which I hadn't been brought up with.  I could see the idea of it being a very powerful prayer - in that you TELL Mary that she's on a promise to help you.  I found it extremely difficult to say the prayer at first, it's the mother thing I'm afraid.  If I call the BVM "my mother" what would my real mother think?  Perhaps that's why my mother never was that much of a Mariolator?  Or me?  Or was it just because the idea of one's mother had sufficient toxicity that it didn't seem a nice word to use to Our Lady? Ooh - I might be onto something here...
After I had coaxed and sobbed my way through the prayer I felt better, calmer, and I made it explicit that I was asking for something quite large: to get out of debt - since I feel most of our problems are to do with our debt situation - just paying the mortgage arrears would be a start.  A couple of days later I thought, as the marriage issues began to clarify (the specific request for that novena) "why not turn the Memorare into a novena too?"  So I am doing that - I have missed a couple of days, but a few dribs and drabs of money have come in in the last 48 hours, so I have every hope that there will be enough to pay off the arrears on the mortgage and perhaps a bit more.

Now it occurs to me, what is to stop me doing novenas on a regular basis - to get clarification on different issues, rather than to get a specific "goody"?  Certainly the Bible reading one is good: suddenly the Bible becomes as interesting as the I Ching - you understand that it is not just the words themselves, in their historical/social/spiritual context that count, it is how you apply them to your situation, how you understand them, that shows you something about your state of mind, whether you find yourself twisting them to your own advantage, or wanting to ignore them because they are close to a painful truth.  For years I've felt a bit guilty about doing the I Ching - but now I can see that in some way it's provided a sort of training in self-examination that can be useful.  If I see it as a way of examining my conscience, then it must be good.  But I think seeing it as sort of "magic" that unlocks desired objects is dangerous, and should be avoided.

Vituperations

In the last few days I have written a few things about my mother in law to friends.  I am going to keep one or two of the more pithy comments here.  The rather interesting thing is that until the row, my writing and everything was getting rather depressed, I didn't have the urge to write.  Now, being liberated from the yoke of having to be nice to someone I don't particularly like, I have a nice, surging wave of annoyance to push myself onwards, and I am allowing my frustrations in various areas to open up and get dealt with.   Perhaps I should be grateful to S - perhaps this is the sort of liberating/turning point event that is forced on you.  Is it the only one, or will there be more?  I suppose I have already had a revelation about relationships etc. in May, perhaps this is something to do with Full Moons...

 I like to think I don't harbour grudges, but this is not a grudge - this is a final liberation of spirit... I've been pussyfooting around the beastly woman for too long...After going on at me about my various character defects (only 2 actually) she then said "I never start rows" - it must be lovely to be too stupid to have any real degree of self-criticism!.  

* Had a brief chat at Weightwatchers today with lovely vicar's wife who is the clerk there... she said her mother in law thoroughly hated her too - so she tried to kill her with kindness and thinks after 22 years it may be beginning to work....personally, I feel Stella hasn't even noticed, and/or thinks I'm a mug... so I think "if they will not receive you, or listen to your words.... brush the dust off your feet..."  Matthew 10.14.  Can't say I haven't tried. 

* WTF is her problem.  I know she's officially brain dead so perhaps that's the problem... Mark has offered to beef up her "obituary" for the Ham and High because it was a pathetic, inadequate (almost damning with faint praise) sort of text... and that narked her too.  I don't think she wants Ed to have any postumous love or credit at all.   Apparently the death announcement for the Telegraph will cost £300 - so much more important than having wine at lunch isn't it!!! 

* I think the thing I've always disliked about S is her dismissive attitude to other people  - especially her own family, not wanting to include people - always wanting to control numbers at events in case people get together and start comparing notes I suspect!  She is truly pathetic now - as elderly bullies often are... but I think we are all too guilt-tripped by this to ever confront her.  M said she was genuinely shocked when he told her how tactless and rude she'd been to me in the past.  He thinks she doesn't do it deliberately, that it's all just tactlessnes and stupidity - I think it's quite deliberate and strategic - then she plays the poor defenceless old woman card.  

* I may be made of stern stuff - or rather, have become more resilient as time goes on - but it hasn't stopped me from rather pathetically expecting better of Stella... What I saw today - despite all the "yes, buts" about her situation, has changed that.  It was a tipping point, I will do everything I can, but as little as possible... if you see what I mean.  I don't feel I need to forgive her, I think her behaviour is just her behaviour - I mean, I'm not sulking or anything, I will be speaking to her, I will presumably be receiving her here with the rest of the family on Sept 21st... so life will go on on the surface, it's just that I don't think I will be ever expecting or hoping better of her again.  

Susan Miller & Positive Astrology

Susan Miller is a bouncily over-enthusiastic American astrologer who says everything is coming up roses all the time, when it clearly isn't and apologises when she has to give bad news.  Her sun sign horoscopes are nearly useless – her asc horoscopes are slightly less so.  In the last 3 years she has been spot on once... and it was about something unpleasant.  During June, the quality of her horoscope and the unrealistic expectations it raised added to my depression. She insisted that everything was really going to change for the better.   She is now making the same claims for July.  I have annotated her predictions in the last few months for both my ascendant and my sun sign, and the word "Yes" does not really appear, there's a certain amount of "perhaps" - or "maybe she means"....mostly the notes say "NO! NO! NO!" Often she is a bit fixed in her ideas, and occasionally makes mistakes which send me rushing to the ephemeris charts to check. 

When I say fixed in her ideas, I mean she tends to focus on one particular aspect of a house e.g. whenever something is related to the 3rd house she bangs on about contracts, and of course, these are within 3rd house influence (although I think they have 9th house connections), but there's an awful lot of other stuff in 3rd house, and I find if there's a 3rd house aspect it's usually about neighbours, siblings or cousins - or one's wider family.  A recent Capricorn full moon occurred just before the death of my pa-in-law - I had already dismissed the contract-related prediction she made, his death made more astro sense - although someone will say, no, no, father in laws are ruled by the 4th house (i.e. the 10th house from the partner/7th house) but 3rd house seems a sensible one to bung the in-laws into. SM may be making contracts all the time, the rest of us are hanging out with neighbours, and family. 

The truth about 2013!

In a recent (26^th June) Washington Post chat she admitted that 2013 was a dire year astrologically. However, like oncologists, she clearly believes in preparing people for the worst by dripping out the bad news slowly - i.e., not preparing them, and instead making them feel progressively more  demoralised by disappointed hopes.  She said that this was such an awful year she was trying to bring out the best – well, that’s the first time she’s said it was a difficult year – apart from occasionally name checking the Uranus-Pluto square as the cause of much political upheaval around the world.  But, I continue to read her... although I am now taking her with buckets of salt.  I am sure personally she is very nice, but I cannot help feeling that this is the wrong sort of astrology - surely we should be prepared for challenging times rather than having it implied that all Scorpios are about to be successful in publishing, law and higher education and perhaps the media...She has a caring, hardworking persona and devoted followers who post endless "me! ME! Me!" questions on Twitter...which seldom get answered, no doubt she is very busy with her contractual issues!

Hope springs eternal...

I guess I just have that European cynicism about sunny US optimism, and perhaps with good reason. We are all such suckers for hope - my father has recently started berating hope... as a fraudulent thing that leads to distress and disappoinment.(but vainly flapt its tinsel wing as Marvell wrote)  It is a sad thing that he feels like this but after a lifetime of optimism I can understand why he does.  My endless optimism hasn't really made things any better in the last 3-4 years.  We are still here, alive, but financially at our worst ever, despite endless efforts to find new sources of work and income.  So I still turn to SM's predictions for July, knowing that she is going to generate whoops of excitement with her news of the "golden triangle" between Jup/Sat/Nep in the water signs... we shall see whether anything comes of this.  I'm not holding my breath. 

Mother in law 3 The Menopause Weapon

Be afraid, be very afraid:

One of her parting shots, when she was attempting to explain my "bad behaviour":  "I suppose you must be having trouble with the change".   Ha... apart from depression and occasional hot flushes, my menopause has not been unduly troublesome... but the person who is going to have trouble with this change is her.... Because actually, there has been a change: in my attitude towards her.

I really think her attempt to blame it all on the menopause is (a) desperate (b) a confirmation that calling her a  "silly woman" was another leading contender for the Understatement of the Year 2013 shortlist.

Mother-in-law 2

The Return of the Terminator.... well, you know, I always knew she didn't like me, but it was interesting to be told what it was that annoyed her, which appear to be (1) I have a mind of my own (2) I'm clever (3) I forced M to sell his ruined castle (4) I forced him to leave London ... (5) I'm nasty to her and swear at her (once!)... er, that's it.  I already knew that she disapproved of me because I am fat, and because she has never been able to work out exactly how posh my family is (or isn't!).  She has put down virtually everyone in the family - and operated a successful divide and rule policy.  The boys don't like her - despite my efforts to be encouraging to her and about her.

I have always thought she might gradually improve, but I think she's got worse.  I am not going to bother to be nice to her any more, it's a waste of valuable psychic energy.  I shall no longer make any unusual efforts to be nice to her, politeness is all she'll get, and be lucky.

As far as she's concerned, I'm cheap labour, she could pay a Funeral manager a couple of £1000 or she can get me to do it, allowing me a small pittance to do it with - thus I cannot be credited with doing out of love, kindness or family feeling - and she gets to save several £Ks... brilliant.  M thinks she's innocent of manipulation, I think she's a totally ghastly, miserable, manipulative old trout...but I've had enough of her for the time being, so I will leave it here.