Yes, things are getting better, but there has been a setback on the health front. I had a scan on Friday and saw a doctor afterwards, a new South African doctor I've never seen before. He said there were 3 worrying things about my scan, I needed an immediate blood test to check my hormone levels, and he would get me a hospital appointment in 2 weeks "because of my age."
In the UK if there is a potential for cancer you get a hospital appointment in 2 weeks. This is what they are worried about. Officially I am completely blase about cancer - no one in my family has died of it (except my grandmother, when she was 91). So I am enjoying the drama - although I am pretty sure it will be all right. However, what is upsetting is how calm Mark was about it all. I didn't get an arm around the shoulder or anything. I was told I was always so brave. I wonder if it is courage, or lack of imagination, or an uncanny ability to stick my head in the sand and ignore what is happening around me? Actually, what is really happening is that I am getting on with things and believing nothing bad is happening. Part of me wonders whether I have generated these symptoms myself to get a bit of sympathy. It's all a bit useless really - when I do get sympathy I just feel embarassed. Then later I feel cross and unhappy.
Why didn't Mark respond until I started crying - does he not have any independent feelings about me, but only takes his cue from me? I was really unhappy on Friday night because he didn't seem to realise I might need a bit of special care because of the shock I'd had. Yes, yes, I'm sure it's not cancer - but that doesn't mean I want him to ignore me. I hate having to make a fuss to get attention. Finn was heroic and gave me lots of spontaneous hugs - Ned did not, but showed some concern (like Mark, he's probably worrying about what will happen if I die). Once I'd made a fuss (sobbing in bed when M was trying to sleep - how inconsiderate!) he began to amend his behaviour. We even had quite a nice time on the weekend.
On Sunday we went for a very quick drink at the Bellvue. This is a pub which has a huge terrace overlooking Pegwell Bay. It was incredibly warm about 15 degrees? - and windless, but rather hazy. The tide was out, there was a slight, seaweedy smell and occasional bird calls, mostly oyster catchers, but there was a solitary curlew which we heard calling a couple of times. It was extraordinary for the end of November. We have still had no frost here, and the leaves are still on the trees - lovely yellow and gold. So beautiful. So much for the very cold weather they keep promising. Apparently like last year it will come in early November.
I spoke to A today - he has not yet gone to Java - he is sorting out his paperwork... oh dear. He was meant to be coming for a drink tonight. He didn't. Mark is at a reception at St. Paul's Cathedral... very high powered, I hope he enjoys it.
In the UK if there is a potential for cancer you get a hospital appointment in 2 weeks. This is what they are worried about. Officially I am completely blase about cancer - no one in my family has died of it (except my grandmother, when she was 91). So I am enjoying the drama - although I am pretty sure it will be all right. However, what is upsetting is how calm Mark was about it all. I didn't get an arm around the shoulder or anything. I was told I was always so brave. I wonder if it is courage, or lack of imagination, or an uncanny ability to stick my head in the sand and ignore what is happening around me? Actually, what is really happening is that I am getting on with things and believing nothing bad is happening. Part of me wonders whether I have generated these symptoms myself to get a bit of sympathy. It's all a bit useless really - when I do get sympathy I just feel embarassed. Then later I feel cross and unhappy.
Why didn't Mark respond until I started crying - does he not have any independent feelings about me, but only takes his cue from me? I was really unhappy on Friday night because he didn't seem to realise I might need a bit of special care because of the shock I'd had. Yes, yes, I'm sure it's not cancer - but that doesn't mean I want him to ignore me. I hate having to make a fuss to get attention. Finn was heroic and gave me lots of spontaneous hugs - Ned did not, but showed some concern (like Mark, he's probably worrying about what will happen if I die). Once I'd made a fuss (sobbing in bed when M was trying to sleep - how inconsiderate!) he began to amend his behaviour. We even had quite a nice time on the weekend.
On Sunday we went for a very quick drink at the Bellvue. This is a pub which has a huge terrace overlooking Pegwell Bay. It was incredibly warm about 15 degrees? - and windless, but rather hazy. The tide was out, there was a slight, seaweedy smell and occasional bird calls, mostly oyster catchers, but there was a solitary curlew which we heard calling a couple of times. It was extraordinary for the end of November. We have still had no frost here, and the leaves are still on the trees - lovely yellow and gold. So beautiful. So much for the very cold weather they keep promising. Apparently like last year it will come in early November.
I spoke to A today - he has not yet gone to Java - he is sorting out his paperwork... oh dear. He was meant to be coming for a drink tonight. He didn't. Mark is at a reception at St. Paul's Cathedral... very high powered, I hope he enjoys it.
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