I have spent a day writing and half living in my past and half inventing an imaginary past. When I do this I often play music to provide a back ground - access to my memory. But occasionally I find the memory breaking into nostalgia. I was just listening to Bob Dylan's I want You - I try not to, because it does reach those hidden spots, which I am busy trying to brush over - and suddenly I find myself thinking that I still want someone and it is painful. I know rationally that I don't want/can't have/he isn't interested etc. but when those feelings surge up from the past they are attached to him - even though they might have arisen in other circumstances or relationships.
Today I was trying to struggle with how I felt about my first husband J. I think I was really in love with him... but I can't remember it, because I don't have the nostalgia about that relationship any more. It's hard to make someone loving - when you know the character is going to morph into something less attractive later in the book. Phillip in the novel isn't J though - he's becoming less and less J - and it's good, because it should show the how people change... it isn't just that our relationships change with boredom etc... it's because we change.
Today I was trying to struggle with how I felt about my first husband J. I think I was really in love with him... but I can't remember it, because I don't have the nostalgia about that relationship any more. It's hard to make someone loving - when you know the character is going to morph into something less attractive later in the book. Phillip in the novel isn't J though - he's becoming less and less J - and it's good, because it should show the how people change... it isn't just that our relationships change with boredom etc... it's because we change.
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