I think yesterday's gloom and stuff has promoted this, but all day I've been thinking worriedly about Strat... hope he's all right, and hasn't succumbed unexpectedly to his prostate cancer. I think there are other sources of anxiety too - going to get some money out and finding we had only £6 there.... eeek. Of course this is of minimal importance compared with Strat's situation, but it provides another focus for the anxiety.
None of this is my fault, or exactly Mark's fault, but when it happens I feel quite angry that I have to go and juggle tiny bits of money. We are down to the last £100 in the savings account sadly - so I will have to borrow more from Ned. There should be a payment any day from the Museum and the Corporation of London - but these always seem to be late. And I am worried because after the current pieces of work there is nothing in the pipeline except development work - none of which is coming on stream at all. On the other hand, there was that little job for Julian N. last week - which might lead to something else. Good news that we have some money coming in over the summer from students - about £1,000 and we are getting dribs and drabs from the BnB stuff... but not enough to get us through really.
There are times when one feels life is such a struggle that one might as well give up... not die exactly, but the thought of death is less unwelcome. We are so far from the kind of horrors people have had to live through in other cultures at other times, but the thought of going on getting progressively poorer is not good. This then is my anxiety. In my heart, for some reason, I feel that there is a big lump of money coming just around the corner (I hope it isn't my inheritance) - and that things will get better. I know in part this is because in 1989 I went to an Indian astrologer who was remarkably correct on a number of things. He said I would be very wealthy and influential from the age 57 - 63 - only 6 years, but better than nothing I suppose. I'm not sure if I can wait another two years. Sometimes it becomes very hard to cling on by the fingernails.
I wonder how Strat's family will survive when he goes. Perhaps publishing Magnificat will provide a living. Their situation is like ours - reliant on irregular, and fairly meagre, incomes, but perhaps the Magnificat thing has provided a stable income.
It's an eclipsed new moon in 0 degrees Gemini - it ought to be all exciting and lovely, but it doesn't feel it at all. However we had a treat - I said we should show our faith in God - that he would provide and everything would be all right - by going and having a cheap lunch together. And I spent a massive £2.99 on a pashmina scarf in a charity shop. "Go on, treat yourself!" the boys and Mark said - that doesn't happen very often, they must finally have noticed how difficult things are. I tend to retreat into writing and the computer when things get tough - they don't really understand it.
None of this is my fault, or exactly Mark's fault, but when it happens I feel quite angry that I have to go and juggle tiny bits of money. We are down to the last £100 in the savings account sadly - so I will have to borrow more from Ned. There should be a payment any day from the Museum and the Corporation of London - but these always seem to be late. And I am worried because after the current pieces of work there is nothing in the pipeline except development work - none of which is coming on stream at all. On the other hand, there was that little job for Julian N. last week - which might lead to something else. Good news that we have some money coming in over the summer from students - about £1,000 and we are getting dribs and drabs from the BnB stuff... but not enough to get us through really.
There are times when one feels life is such a struggle that one might as well give up... not die exactly, but the thought of death is less unwelcome. We are so far from the kind of horrors people have had to live through in other cultures at other times, but the thought of going on getting progressively poorer is not good. This then is my anxiety. In my heart, for some reason, I feel that there is a big lump of money coming just around the corner (I hope it isn't my inheritance) - and that things will get better. I know in part this is because in 1989 I went to an Indian astrologer who was remarkably correct on a number of things. He said I would be very wealthy and influential from the age 57 - 63 - only 6 years, but better than nothing I suppose. I'm not sure if I can wait another two years. Sometimes it becomes very hard to cling on by the fingernails.
I wonder how Strat's family will survive when he goes. Perhaps publishing Magnificat will provide a living. Their situation is like ours - reliant on irregular, and fairly meagre, incomes, but perhaps the Magnificat thing has provided a stable income.
It's an eclipsed new moon in 0 degrees Gemini - it ought to be all exciting and lovely, but it doesn't feel it at all. However we had a treat - I said we should show our faith in God - that he would provide and everything would be all right - by going and having a cheap lunch together. And I spent a massive £2.99 on a pashmina scarf in a charity shop. "Go on, treat yourself!" the boys and Mark said - that doesn't happen very often, they must finally have noticed how difficult things are. I tend to retreat into writing and the computer when things get tough - they don't really understand it.
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