Actually, he behaved like a lamb until asked to do something that wasn't on his agenda. He has been decorating the hall. My decision to have "surprise guests" was agreeable to him in the morning, but at about 6.00pm when we were having tea he got all snarky and difficult. When I said I was worried about the time, he had a go at me. Then he did something stupid, roared because he'd hurt himself, blamed me for it and I said "Good!" instead of "Darling! Are you all right?"
I was asking him to simply hoover sitting room, dining room and hall, he had 90 minutes to complete the task, I hoped he might set the table as well. Instead, he got very technical and wanted to do other things. In the end he went to get dressed, I didn't have a chance to change and had to tear off my apron to answer the door. When he came down I asked him to get some drinks - he did that, but didn't bother to bring me one. This made me cross, I think it was deliberate. Then I had to set the table, sort out the candles etc. etc. We had quite a fun evening, Kyle wasn't especially talkative, but maybe we were on the wrong topics... hope he wasn't too bored. I always know when I'm bored, because I don't participate in the conversation...
Anyway, it was nice, we sat there having cheese and coffee and chocolate and armagnac/amaretto/grappa. I love grappa. I am writing this now after 2.00 am and feel perfectly OK. I was nasty to Mark, he apologised for getting grumpy and saying "I never wanted these people to come, I have nothing to say to them." But once again I felt "we can't go on like this!". The fact is though, we have no alternative at present. The boys would be very upset if we split up, especially, I think, Finn... but maybe Ned would feel it more - Finn would see the reasons.
I think of my parents, how often my father must have done idiotic and annoying things - how often my mother must have felt frustrated and sarcastic and unpleasant. But she never left, she stayed and had a stroke. Also her home was so important to her. I could move, I could go somewhere else. Except that I have no money.
Next week I am planning to do a major cleaning job on the house. That will be something. Finn has promised another hour's work tomorrow. I might even do some painting, and filling holes.
What would I take if I left? Some clothes, my unread book collection, the OED, the Thesaurus and some papers, a few CDs, a radio and the laptop. I could get by with so little these days. I look at all the "objects" I have valued and see them as nothing more than stuffing, to fill the gaps in my life. I do love the boys, but I also long for a neater, cleaner, more streamlined life. I remember how happy I was in my flat in Dulwich - it wasn't especially tidy, but there was a place for everything. I might take some of the herbs and spices from the kitchen. But this is all fantasy. I wonder what would happen if I went to the Job Centre - what would they do?
I would be sad about the garden, the cultivation of living things is a joy.
I was asking him to simply hoover sitting room, dining room and hall, he had 90 minutes to complete the task, I hoped he might set the table as well. Instead, he got very technical and wanted to do other things. In the end he went to get dressed, I didn't have a chance to change and had to tear off my apron to answer the door. When he came down I asked him to get some drinks - he did that, but didn't bother to bring me one. This made me cross, I think it was deliberate. Then I had to set the table, sort out the candles etc. etc. We had quite a fun evening, Kyle wasn't especially talkative, but maybe we were on the wrong topics... hope he wasn't too bored. I always know when I'm bored, because I don't participate in the conversation...
Anyway, it was nice, we sat there having cheese and coffee and chocolate and armagnac/amaretto/grappa. I love grappa. I am writing this now after 2.00 am and feel perfectly OK. I was nasty to Mark, he apologised for getting grumpy and saying "I never wanted these people to come, I have nothing to say to them." But once again I felt "we can't go on like this!". The fact is though, we have no alternative at present. The boys would be very upset if we split up, especially, I think, Finn... but maybe Ned would feel it more - Finn would see the reasons.
I think of my parents, how often my father must have done idiotic and annoying things - how often my mother must have felt frustrated and sarcastic and unpleasant. But she never left, she stayed and had a stroke. Also her home was so important to her. I could move, I could go somewhere else. Except that I have no money.
Next week I am planning to do a major cleaning job on the house. That will be something. Finn has promised another hour's work tomorrow. I might even do some painting, and filling holes.
What would I take if I left? Some clothes, my unread book collection, the OED, the Thesaurus and some papers, a few CDs, a radio and the laptop. I could get by with so little these days. I look at all the "objects" I have valued and see them as nothing more than stuffing, to fill the gaps in my life. I do love the boys, but I also long for a neater, cleaner, more streamlined life. I remember how happy I was in my flat in Dulwich - it wasn't especially tidy, but there was a place for everything. I might take some of the herbs and spices from the kitchen. But this is all fantasy. I wonder what would happen if I went to the Job Centre - what would they do?
I would be sad about the garden, the cultivation of living things is a joy.
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