Having doughtily fought off all thoughts of the distant love object - and having finally begun to feel I might have won... I now find myself all of a quiver. There was an interesting programme on the radio about being a human in a digital context and it talked about people who met on line and got to know each other through correspondence. There were analogies with Eliz Barratt and Robert Browning and how an epistolary relationship can cause real love to flourish. There was also a warning that sometimes the feelings that could be engendered could be rather more obsessive - "limerence" was cited.
It is interesting how "new" forms of love are being identified over the years: limerence is apparently obsessive and unrequited, and contains many vivid images of rescuing the other person - it is certainly not about equality and shared experiences. I didn't think it was an especially new form of love though - I daresay a lot of the romantic poetry of the middle ages focuses on the man's service to the woman, on a willingness to face dangers for her, to rescue her etc.etc. What is the legend of George and the dragon or Perseus and Andromeda based on - surely a sort of archetype of limerence?
I really ought to read more about this sort of thing - trying to write about love basing it only on one's own experiences is a bit short-sighted really. Perhaps I can do some "research reading" over this summer and then hurl myself at 17Y and Conscience in the autumn. I expect I will need to re-write some of the bits of TRF as well - perhaps I can add limerence somewhere...
Why the quivering though? I guess it suddenly sparked thoughts of my famous, now lost, email correspondence with the LO - perhaps we were falling in love through that - perhaps that's why he needed to stop. It is good to know that relationships that start with these correspondences often prove to be very enduring - as long as the initial physical meeting doesn't result in repugnance... anyway, I was glad to see that what I was feeling was much more like "real love" i.e. wanting to share the best bits of life with another person (their definition) - rather than limerence. I can categorically state that I have never dreamed of rescuing the LO from a burning building only to hear him confess his love to me with his dying breath. A dead LO would be no good at all: even a Fantasy Husband has to have a bit of life left in him... something friskier would be better. I suppose there would be a comfort in knowing the LO loved you, but having them die immediately they said the words sounds strange - perhaps masochistic - or a denial of wanting the real thing. I think I've probably never experienced limerance... as far as I can remember. Love objects must live and flourish!
So as a result of hearing this I experienced a few moments of longing and connection... and now it must stop. I had a lovely weekend with M - have had two jolly meetings today and am generally feeling positive about things. So the LO must go back into his marriage and just stay there.
It is interesting how "new" forms of love are being identified over the years: limerence is apparently obsessive and unrequited, and contains many vivid images of rescuing the other person - it is certainly not about equality and shared experiences. I didn't think it was an especially new form of love though - I daresay a lot of the romantic poetry of the middle ages focuses on the man's service to the woman, on a willingness to face dangers for her, to rescue her etc.etc. What is the legend of George and the dragon or Perseus and Andromeda based on - surely a sort of archetype of limerence?
I really ought to read more about this sort of thing - trying to write about love basing it only on one's own experiences is a bit short-sighted really. Perhaps I can do some "research reading" over this summer and then hurl myself at 17Y and Conscience in the autumn. I expect I will need to re-write some of the bits of TRF as well - perhaps I can add limerence somewhere...
Why the quivering though? I guess it suddenly sparked thoughts of my famous, now lost, email correspondence with the LO - perhaps we were falling in love through that - perhaps that's why he needed to stop. It is good to know that relationships that start with these correspondences often prove to be very enduring - as long as the initial physical meeting doesn't result in repugnance... anyway, I was glad to see that what I was feeling was much more like "real love" i.e. wanting to share the best bits of life with another person (their definition) - rather than limerence. I can categorically state that I have never dreamed of rescuing the LO from a burning building only to hear him confess his love to me with his dying breath. A dead LO would be no good at all: even a Fantasy Husband has to have a bit of life left in him... something friskier would be better. I suppose there would be a comfort in knowing the LO loved you, but having them die immediately they said the words sounds strange - perhaps masochistic - or a denial of wanting the real thing. I think I've probably never experienced limerance... as far as I can remember. Love objects must live and flourish!
So as a result of hearing this I experienced a few moments of longing and connection... and now it must stop. I had a lovely weekend with M - have had two jolly meetings today and am generally feeling positive about things. So the LO must go back into his marriage and just stay there.
No comments:
Post a Comment