I find myself looking at all the weird and wonderful social media sites, and other things I habitually consult and thinking "I want something and it isn't here?" Usually what I want is real social life, but tonight I had real social life - 4 people to dinner - and I still have that feeling. One person dominated the conversation (not me!) because she is recovering from a depression... every topic produced a new burst of passion... I tried so many times to change the subject, to give someone else a chance to shine. For some reason we seemed to discuss WW2 for about 2 hours and this is a subject I find amazingly boring. I attempted to start a new conversation about art - but that didn't work either. She is very lovely and kind, but tonight she was just a bit over the top. So why, after an evening of social life, and a nice meal and so on, do I feel so empty and sad? I guess it is just a product of being a human being - lacrimae rerum etc. But what can I reasonably expect?
Sometimes I think my lack of social life is due to Mark - when we go somewhere and I know a few people I don't hang around and chat with them, because he always wants to go home. And I like being at home, but I think last night I would have liked to stay and talk to people - but it's almost as if I have been socially de-skilled. I would have liked to talk to Sue and Kit and meet those friends of theirs I never meet... but, but.... I can't blame him totally, I let him do it to me. I don't suppose if I had a different partner things would be different - actually, this is totally untrue - but it would depend on the partner. I have a tension between being private and quiet and being social and amusing, but the former gets the upper hand these days, and that isn't how I want to be. I want to be open and intimate with friends, I want to be amusing with acquaintances, but I would like to chose. If I had gone out on my own last night I would have stayed and chatted, and hung out with people, and perhaps even, joy of joys, gone for a drink with them or something. This evening, in a sense, was a bit of a disaster - I hoped people would have proper conversations, but it didn't work out.
I have inner weeping... it's a strange thing - sometimes it's about the LO, sometimes it's just about me, and my situation. There's nothing terrible about my situation, but I just know it's not right in all sorts of ways. It must change, but when? how?
Sometimes I think my lack of social life is due to Mark - when we go somewhere and I know a few people I don't hang around and chat with them, because he always wants to go home. And I like being at home, but I think last night I would have liked to stay and talk to people - but it's almost as if I have been socially de-skilled. I would have liked to talk to Sue and Kit and meet those friends of theirs I never meet... but, but.... I can't blame him totally, I let him do it to me. I don't suppose if I had a different partner things would be different - actually, this is totally untrue - but it would depend on the partner. I have a tension between being private and quiet and being social and amusing, but the former gets the upper hand these days, and that isn't how I want to be. I want to be open and intimate with friends, I want to be amusing with acquaintances, but I would like to chose. If I had gone out on my own last night I would have stayed and chatted, and hung out with people, and perhaps even, joy of joys, gone for a drink with them or something. This evening, in a sense, was a bit of a disaster - I hoped people would have proper conversations, but it didn't work out.
I have inner weeping... it's a strange thing - sometimes it's about the LO, sometimes it's just about me, and my situation. There's nothing terrible about my situation, but I just know it's not right in all sorts of ways. It must change, but when? how?
No comments:
Post a Comment